New Years Eve

I will end this year of 2009 with a insight that I for the first time don’t wishes anything to be any different than it is. Neither I wan´t to be any different from who I am. It is with calmness I enter the beautiful year of 2010. My pledge is not long considering numbers of letters but its context is huge; I wont escape any more, every time I want to, and I am sure that they will be many, I will deal with it no matter of the consequences, I wont be afraid any more.

I know, that sounded a bit pretentious and new age but so it is. Now I will go into town to meet up with some good friend of mind and salute the new year from the highest point in Stockholm

And don´t forget your apple, to take a bite along with the champagne will bring you a healthy year, in Spain tradition says grapes, so pick your choice or regard the champagne as fluid grapes 

J 

24 hrs in bed with Dexter

season 4 of the life of dexter forensic and serial killer, 

"History repeats itself ", or is´t it ?! 

Is the hard question to let go in life that we can´t protect our loved ones, no matter how much we try, it that what we are afraid to loose or are we scared of our limits on one hand and our capability on the other. Are we so afraid to loose that we don´r dare to love ? 

 

Are we to trust in chance and destiny, that we all have a path or are we actually creating our own path by the choices we make, the hard thing with this is the question that what makes us do the choice that we make: do they come from what we are who from who we have created? 

before i loved to ask questions? i did it a lot but i realized later on that questions just give you the answers placed there, the ones that fit in to the picture that builds the puzzle piece by piece. If you want answers you have to get them like a detective that dig them up and the question then is if you really want the answer or if you just want a answer ! 

well, so much for new year sentimentality, I don´t know about you but I have decided about my new year pledge that I will say over a glass of champagne watching the sky above stockholm be lit up by fire works

till then, 

http://www.sho.com/site/dexter/home.do

or 

http://www.cucirca.com

Good bye past, Welcome future …

X-mas, santa and all carols, not to forget the sweets and all the food, prepared and eaten as if we were bears just before the long winter sleep, but we are not bears and it ´s time to get back to reality. 

I love that my gifts from santa were for me and just me :) this is an amazing café Presso with heat function in a cordless base that you can move and plug in like this next to the computer or in a lazy morning next to bed to always enjoy hot coffee ... 

Just came home from a 40 minute walk in the fantastic winter wonderland where all kids smile as they ride down-hill on their Christmas gifts. For me I am trying to walk away a month of unhealthy living, a never-ending cold and as always when a intense episode is coming to its end, or rather I am putting an end to it, the well-known state of mind appears, even though it not any longer strikes me with surprise it is still not a pleasant, neither easy to deal with. The panic attack has been scratching the surface for a while now and as so many times before I have pushed it back. Today when walking along the riverside I suddenly asked my self why we do it, why do we sacrifice our selves? 

Take such a dramatic example as love, why do we give in for the feeling? It is not love we feel when we so rapidly “ fall for someone” it is passion that we seek isn´t ? and what does that tell about our selves ? I don’t argue for people to nor be lovable or to stop loving but maybe we need to re-consider the meaning of love.  The other night when painting a piece for my brother I suddenly realised that not to have anyone to give love to hurts!  And not to be able to receive love also hurts! I thought of an old boyfriend of mine and his mom´s extreme love for animals and lack of showing her family her love. She found a way, other give birth to children in order to secure this need, or dive in to work or voluntary services. Just when writing this I realize that this is not a new thought on my mind, an old monk in India,  told me that he feel sorry for westerners who have such a hard time to show love and he were convinced that all this fuzz about dogs in our part of the world is the proof of this. We can’t just see and feel all the love around us, in every piece and person, we have to concentrate it, give it a direction, force it into a form, and we demand an answer. Earlier this morning I read in my current book: Shantaram, and I got stuck at a line where the main character is stuck in a war when he at one point look back and says that love isn’t something we receive but something we give .

Maybe we also in all this has to give love to our selves, break-up with our Lutheran punishment view of life, and forgive our selves in the sense of accepting our selves as humans, see the beauty in that and stop reaching for turning our selves into robots.

Something that got me thinking of my life, how do I want it to be, what actors shall be in my movie; where do I want to shoot it and what do I want to say with the manuscript?  This made me re-consider putting together a new years pledge, something I haven’t done for many years. 

But now I will enter into a closer challenge, I simply cant get my hair other than straight, no matter what fancy products i use, my sister her boyfriend and my brother hence gave me this, the one you possibly can´t fail with, I just say prove it Babyliss i-curl... 

Winter wonderland

Oh my, it´ s just a week to Christmas, santa and the Christmas carols follow us from the glory morning until we once again are allowed to slip into bed and hide underneath covers and pillows, hide from the cold and follow the snowflakes falling outside our window.  

 

The code I have tried to apply to my life is not easy at all times as it includes a change in my regular pattern of thinking a re-installation of soft ware one could say. That’s one side of it, the other is what I get in return, I am for the first time ever building my self and my life. To remind my self I have small things like the Buddhist flags blowing in the wind on my balcony, the colourful dots on the picture. I have also for a few weeks in a row, a prayer from the book by the nun Pema Schödrön, it´ s a two verse reminder of humanity and loving kindness and asking of guidance and strength to keep up believing.  In the beginning I did a short mediation before and one after and then I took my morning shake but the time has not been there the last weeks. The meditation has been left aside, and as I still has this pneumonia and I had a cold, been tired and not able to do any exercise I have not either been able to eat to much, so the morning shake has been re-placed with two cheese sandwiches and coffee.  As I have overslept, not so that I have been late to work, bur reduces my 1 ½ hour to 30 minutes I also have bought take away coffee cups so that I can bring my coffee and drink it at the subway, this make me not spend 14 crows on coffee at 7-11 every morning. 

 

I have to work with my hours but I am on it, for once I don´t feel like I failed this time not beeing regular with everything, because know that I have progressed and that I am on the right track, I just need to get my own structure and to know what and how to prioritise.

 

The impact the weather has on us, at least me is amazing. Since I started writing I can follow a pattern of deeper understanding or maybe I shall call it a need of questioning and discuss the human nature when the wind blows no matter if it is a warm but heavy wind in Thailand or here as a snowstorm, it fills me with anxiety and calls for a panic attack and a sleepless night, a form of excitement in the body,  and in a un explainable way cleans me up form the inside out.  I feel filled with energy and an eager to deal with things, to be alive ! So lets do it, lets live the life we want to live … it aint harder than you make it to love every day.. you got to start at some point, why not right here and right now..! Do it and be firm and focused and realistic, start with one thing and remember not to take something away but to add another 

It´s getting cold

Hey everyone ! 

For you guys not located in Sweden I can tell that we have had just a 20 minutes of sun the last two weeks... and for you who went for artificial tanning, they are now officially announced as dangerous by scientists and are taken away at gym and other places so what´s left to do then to keep your self away from feeling blue?! 

Usually I add exercise to get the endorphins running  in my body, but as I still ain´t ok, since svine-flue and pneumonia  I have to re-consider other options. The one not so clever is that I have been out a lot, met up with friends, and that is good in the social way but the backside is that it involves alcohol and even though it gives your body a rush for the moment it does affect you negatively in the long run, thats the easy way out. BUT I have at the same time kept up with my shakes in the morning or when over-slept taken it in the afternoon. I am trying to adept to my new job and the working hours. 

Next step will be to, and i know i have said it before, to add thermo complete in order to minimize sugarneed. I will also try to re- establish a time-schedule including Pilates. THat is one part, the second is that I will when out at the bar or clubbing, always have wine, beer etc at home and when i feel like I just want one more glass I will go home and have that glass at home. I don´t know if that is a good solution or not but it is worth trying, I know i did similar at Sandhamn a few summers ago and I actually think that it worked, So from now on I will try it and then evaluate, what else can you do id life than a trial and error .... 

I will also try to use all "free-time" to work with my projects in journalism and arts and crafts, in order to create an additional value to my life... 

And... 

to move focus away from partner, familylife, kids etc and towards my self and my needs ... 

In all this Herbalife keeps me on track and gives me strenght to deal with stuffs in my life, so lets see if thermocompleate could help me loose some of those kilos I have added, and maybe at new year I can start 2010 in balance and with the figures that i reached in may. 

Herbalife vs Bambino

My TV broke down so now I´ve moved in to my kitchen where I reinstalled my breakfast TV. Love Actually is running and I am organizing my self. Four weeks at my new job, I have a plan of how to structure my self, at least a bit, drugged on penicillin for the third time around this autumn.

I realized since starting out with Herbalife in spring, that the major reason for take or not take it is the scale of readily available. Hence I asked my coach Roger for containers to bring mixed protein ( formula3 ) and tropical (formula 1) in order to easily pour it into a bottle of juice and shake it even if I don’t have my shake with me during the day or if my schedule changes. The problem with those were that you cant fit it all into them ( 2 measures of formula 3 and 2 measures of formula 1) the other option you have is to use travel pack’ s but they are only formula 1 so you have to bring additionally a plastic of formula 3. Then I were at my sisters for dinner, my nephew are soon to be 6 months and she is all into gruel for the moment, she figured out that in a bambino container for gruel you can fit in 3 mixed meals; one in each of the three separate boxes and that’s not all, it is also developed to not leak out any powder, just make sure that you keep the cap above one of the boxes, if not it might leak...

I have filled mine up, and also I have shopped pineapple and papaya stored in a container in the refrigerator (the rest put into my freezer to use later on), all inorder to make it easier to take than to skip it and re-place it with 7-11 breakfast on the way or a chocolate-bar in the afternoon.

When I did an interview with the professional boxer Isam Khalil he told me that he placed all his running-clothes in a line from his bed just to make it easier to get out in the morning. Because I think that is something we all fight with, we tend to know what we should do but instead of making it happen we close put our hands infornt of our eyes and pretend that everything is different than it is, that all problems are gone, just like when we were kids and played hide and seek. But as grown ups it does not disappear when we lower our hands and opens our eyes. 

The different ways of running away from love, self-preservation, are in its catharsis in love actually with just one week left to Christmas. I will have my chocolate pudding and enjoy the resolution of love and the hours of sunday and my free day ( my day where i don´t know the word healthy or Herbalife) : ) 

Good night !

Just came up from a bath, lovely even though it´s after bedtime, for me at midnight. But today is a special day, it´s the first day in a long time that I actually feel that I am living life: I have dealt with those small stuffs that you have had on your list for too long, and now I don´t speak of a week to long, but a year or maybe more. I know that you regard me as a slacker and inpredictable, and I don’t blame you. I were suppose to add photos of me reached my goal, to be an 8 at the scale thin and fit, one might think that I would find pleasure in posting a picture then but here we touch something that is highly interesting. As summer came along and routines were crashed I fell back in progress and then it escalated into uncontrollable, you who read my posts during summer can sign that it were a rollercoaster.

Since three weeks, almost four, I have been busy to get a hold of issues and people at my new job. It is a lot to take in and as I mistreated myself at Sandhamn I had to pay the price of entering my new work with low energy and a broken back that gave me pain and stole concentration add on top of this an infection in a tooth, painkillers and a confused me. I didn´t either got a hold of meals neither my sleep. Instead I got frustrated and angry.

A few days ago I once again started my mornings with a herbalife smoothie and my stomach, that crashed really bad the last days at Sandhamn, re-covered. The problem has been that I in my frustration haven’t been able to keep it up as I have overslept every morning meaning that I have been intime to work but exchanged my smoothie with 7-11 breakfast. Today I surprised myself with all the energy I got from bringing an extra shake to take when my bloodsugar starts to fall in the afternoon. I might have found a strategy that actually could work.

After been down town after work, doing some shopping as I got a full salary this month and knows that I will receive another one next moth. I love this part of my new life. Jeans, make-up and some stuffs to fix my shirt and some things for my fridge I felt like I still had energy when I arrived home around 2100. I did fix my shirt, tried and sorted out what to bring to dry cleaner and what shoes to bring and also put down my bad that needs to been taken care of , into a bag to bring tomorrow.

When organizing my laundry my sister called, she told me how she loves to have taken up her routine with herbalifeshakes. She just finished breastfeeding my nephew, my little prince, a few weeks ago. Today she told me that she decided to walk to our parents before going to an aerobic dance class at the gym, instead of local transportation, she said that she really feel a difference in energy and to dig into things and also her patience with her son has increased radically, she feels calmer. And I could only agree, the calmness is interesting as you gain energy which should make you more restless but instead it helps to focus and you get things done.

So, even if you might regard me as  traitor, I can tell that life is not easy and even if we are convinced that we will do something, circumstances comes in-between and we loose focus and then we are caught in the spinning wheel. I would say that it is by doing it nad doing it again, to use a bit of a worn out expression, you will fall of the horse both once and twice, the big effort is to get back up there every time and analyzing why you fell of this time to not fall for the same reason, maybe you will due to this or that, but after a while you wont and then when you think that your good then you suddenly will fall of, not in accordance with last time but due to something else that you did differently or due to other circumstances. 

Monkeys

Just gave me a laugh in the morning ! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pSm7BcQHWXk

Alcoholic Vervet Monkeys! - Weird Nature - BBC animals

Source: www.youtube.com

In the Caribbean, Vervet Monkeys have developed a taste for alcohol and can regularly be spotted stealing cocktails from humans on the beach. Brilliant wildlife video from BBC animal show 'Weird Nature'.

book inspiration

It is hard to come to understand some things of your surrounding, how people interact and how to play that game: i actually bought the book "the game" to gain some inspiration of how it works, I also bought american psycho to dig deeper into what it´s all about and when I the same night came to a friend he had a book, i dont remember the title on, that calimed that everything we do are drawn, all our actions and our like or dis like, from sexuality. So further on I am drinking my shakes,a t least in the mornings, trying to get food in to my stomach during the day and I will try not to eat any unclean food but it´s hard to put into practice, at the same time I now will extend my splitted personality by dive into literature, and to keep on to try to build my every day life out of the code of loving kindness, it´s not easy i can tell. 

For the moment, working in a restaurant is a challenge to apply the code, both considering colleagues and guests and the fact of time schedule for eating and working hours. But I see it as a practice and i know that I only have a few days left here then I am back in town, in my apartment and I can start building routines for real as I am starting a day time job on monday.  a new job also means new possibilities. 

The funny thing is that it seams like it all wraps up for the moment, this summer has been, without me knowing it a turning point in my life, what started here at Sandhamn in 2003 will also come to its end here at the same place, six years later, autumn 2009. And that feels like a relief on me. Like i actually can let go of a burden that has been holding me down. 

The measurements will be posted on monday. During this last rough weeks I have been so glad to have my herbalife shake, even though I haven´t been taking it regular I have taken it and for the last three days I actually start to feel less eager for sugar and sweets, and that´s a good start.  I also get some neutrishment in to my body witch helps me from falling into depression.  

It is a challenge,

Ok, I could either feel like a looser, like someone that has failed or I could regard it all as I process that I am preveliged to be in. I am making conscious choices every day for my own benefit. And as everything that is in progress you will have better and worse days as well as decisions. I said to a friend of mine that when the day comes htat I finish up my life style book I am reading I will have this figured out, and then I will make a major decision based on this time of trial and error.

This is just an excuse you might think, and well it might appear so but I can asure you that measurements and that scale Roger, my herbalifecoach has, it is not lying so in the end it will all show.

So where are the big struggle now. I have left the philosophical level for a moment and focus on health in  a more basic way, as nutrition, water and sleep. This is the basic, without gas the car wont go forward. The question is what sort of gas I should put in and how firm I have to be in my choices, I know I have been talking about this before but it is harder than what one can think because it demands a change in you every day life; a limit and an opportunity at the same time.

I did quit alcohol, what about change food, that’s where I am now. Most of the time this is a change that has to take place in your brain, your controlcenter.

And in line with my life over all this is where I am trying to master the mind, to decide what program I want to run and how and then take control of it.

It is a challenge,

So yes to confess: I had a burger the other night on the boat on my way out to Sandhamn, and yes I have been eating buns and other un healthy cakes as well as stew based on cream and bread with cheese; not taken my herbal pills for my syomach as I should early in the morning but instead around 11 and eaten after taking my evening herbal pills, stayed up late and also woke up early in the morning. Haven´t been doing any training but I am now on my way for a powerwalk with weights around Sandhamn. I had a shake the other morning at 8.30 but no more food until 1800 which is no good.  It is hard being out here knowing you are going to be back in town in a few weeks, where you don’t know how you will solve your economy, and to get a routine. I will therefore have this last week out here to process my decisions and be firm in them in order to implement them. They are to be non affected by outer circumstances as travel or working away from home, but I am not there yet. 

You got to start somewhere, or continue ..!

Week Chest Waist Hip Thais Weight Start 7/9  90 73 92 57   1           2           3           4

27 years old Today !

I have since I was 16 been 23, up until today. I have been longing for this day cause I have been sure that this will mark a new period in my life. End a chapter and turn the page for another to begin.

Tomorrow, or actually in a few hours the first diary sheet will be posted and with it my present measurements.

I also have to clarify my last post, considering dairy products and meat as well as sugar and other food that doesn’t bring me any less than a short pleasure, I wont erase them from my life but I will lessen them and most important I will consume them with a conscious mind. Like one this is allergic, he or she knows how many complementary pills it takes for every amount of that eaten. The same attitude will I use in these areas. But with alcohol that is, for me not possible at first, hopefully I will reach that point when I can regard it the same way and handle it.

Well,

sweet dreams  

Get this party startin´

A week more or less in bed, svine- flue or not I´ve  been out. Automatically you rethink your life situation, as you don’t have so much more to do lying in bed looking at the roof.

I have concluded that dairy products and me are a bad combination, well nothing new as been sensitive for dairy products for a long time, but now I got it clear. A short time of pleasure give a long times pain with a swollen stomach and a state of feeling sick. And yes milk chocolate is made of milk. The same goes for coffee I can have two small cups one in the morning and one in the afternoon after lunch but non in the evening and not more than two totally as it also leaves me with a feeling of throwing up. And then we come to sugar this really is a bad match, a short pleasure and then feeling sick and a burn in my throat which I actually also gets from coffee.

So, as I said this is not new to me but still I do believe that every time another result will take place. Do I fool my self? Don’t know, but I am being irresponsible for my own best when not acting in a way that makes me feel good.

Above, are the easy things. Here comes the rough ones. First meat, not a secret either: I feel some how repulsed when eating it, my stomach swollens up so I look like I am pregnant in 7^th month, and mostly I get that feeling of wanting to throw up.  Some meet are better than other considering my stomach; elk, turkey, ribs etc. fish is fine and all seafood.

Secondly, alcohol, this socializing drink that tells us that a special get-together is on. I don’t think that I ever have been a good match with alcohol. But as all other things we are stubborn in the belief that doing the same experiment over and over again with out changing the components will bring different results. Here is something I have learnt: It won´t. Instead it is up to you to change your approach towards it. So I quit. 

This results for me in a step towards another life-style.

As I promised before, that got interrupted by me being sick, I will post diary sheets everyday to follow the process, I regard it as an experiment.

During this week of sickness I have boosted myself with herbalife as I haven’t had any energy to cook meals. Rose ox herbal tea and the regular formula 1 and protein powder if formula 3, in that way I am convinced that I have given my body fuel to deal with the cold and the fever and also kept myself from falling into slighter depression, which is common for me when being home and sick.

Next post will be a diary sheet..! 

When you know what is right why do you insist on doing wrong ?

This spring I changed alcohol to herbalife and I actually reduced my daily depression, got regular with my pilates exercises and  then came summer and I was working a lot, having fun during Volvooceanrace, midsummer and then Gotland Runt at Sandhamn, two weeks sailing thorug Amsterdam and in Ramsgate, a forbidden harbour three hours outside of London I did it. I could have foreseen it and I also felt it coming after the fourth beer but instead of calling it a night I order another round. 

The day before I had made herablife shakes and wrote a long piece in my diary of that it is up to one self to decide what to do with our time. This is a reoccurent theme this summer that when ever something goes well and an insight strikes me I run.

I run, I just watched a movie where a guy bangs a waitress at the bathroom at his best friends funeral. He sais, I wanted to be anywhere else but there, and that might be it. The first phase always brings pleasure in different forms, I meet lovely people, have a nice time and so on . then comes the a less pleasant phase, containing humiliation, overstepped lines and total freakshow, this is where the first one disappears in the shadow of the second and the third the one that awaits and the one that you always tries to push as far ahead as you can; the anxiety, the hatred that dwellvs inside and somehow stays inside.

Also as you all have notices I havnt written for a while, about the same period of time as I have been drinking. Now I am sitting in my sofa with high fever and a pain in my chest taking penicillin for mykoplasma. Have you ever taken a depression test when sititng alone sick at home? Not, try it, I scored very well.

Well, I have also been on a few dates with a lovely guy and I said ot a friend today in the phone that. Why did he have to come in to my life in the most up-side down period where not even I can find the start or the end or understand anything inbetween. He also were with me when I the other day had a panic attack, or so I thought now I do belive that it rather had to do with the mykoplasma as that is fairly common and also shows the same as a panic attack,  I realized spending some time at google. He got to see to much reality. My fiend told me with a confused voice; but isn’t that better to meet in the reality? Well in my world NO ! these meetings are what I have tried to avoid.

Well, somehow I think this is connected I m just not sure of in what way yet. What I do know is that routine and mealand sleepwaych are important for me, it do keep me on track. What also keeps my heart warm is all those lovely people who accept and sometimes even likes the real me; and most important do let me be me without giving me feelings of guilt. That is what I call to let someone do their process in their speed and be there.

Well, if you guys find this a bit crazy I can always blame on the fever ; )

Tomorrow I will start up the day with a herbalife shake. I will also update you on my herbalife status as soon as possible. And you might also get an answer on why I, something I actually got noticed on the other day at my data; that I usually speak in third person and he corrected me and told me to say I, might be connected with creating a distance between my self and the scary world, if I do or what I do I will this time not put into words in the sense of  I will do this or that, as that usually don’t lead anywhere, but I will post a update at least 3 times a week.  Keeping in mind htat there is only one person that can control your thoughts and that is you. That means that it is up to me to define what is right and what is wrong and what do I want ?

Until then,

M 

Ohps I did it again

A week of party here at the partyisland Sandhamn among old and new friends. Now I m sitting here all dressed up in scarf and pants and a hood when everyone lies by the pool in bikini. My cold that begun during VOR and escalated during the sail to england to be a bit better and return with no mercy.  

Yesterday I did all cures I could think about, from citrus to tea and honey with ginger, whiskey and some pills my sister gave me, did vitamin boost with herbalife shake and pills as well as liftoff that brings energy and in combination with roseox cures, or actually, prevents your cold. A bit better but still pretty off.  And of course in the middle of all this I started working, I tested to do a waitress shift on monday and yesterday and believe me it was fun but I felt terrible not to be healthy enough to be energic, so back to my sofa, a new movie and make sure I get well again and fit for fight to work tomorrow. 

 

I am back where it all started

 

Sailing are being replaced with motor

 

You could count the start the finish- line of leg nine in VolvoOceanRace, witch was the first time I met Dave, or you could count it two weeks ago when I boarded Artemis the Grand Soleil 43 and waved god bye to my parents and my brother, sailed out from Sandhamn and begun my adventure.

 

The flight home, to all you at the pub union jack in London where I know you crossed you fingers for my flight home. And you can have a laugh. As they did construction on the subway line I live on I had to go a bit of a back and forth in the undergroundsystem to reach Heathrow, but I finally did and also in time : ) but I could have taken it much more easy as the plane were an hour and a half delayed… more coffee to me. I got home safe though. Came to a lovely dinner at my sisters and then I packed my apartement down. The musical Chicago were on TV and to the tunes of it i stayed up all night taking down pictures and art from the walls, throwing clothes, shoes and bags into paltic bags some to throw away and others to store in the basement or to bring with me to Sandhamn. Or well almost, I had it all in different places on the floor until seven eleven opened and I could ask for huge plasticbags. When my grandpa and his wife came and picked me up at 10 00 I had just ran down with the last stuffs to the basement. They just looked at me, amazed over the collection of things I were to put into their car and bring with me out to Sandhamn, bur we put it all in. oh yes, they did laugh at me when I brought it all on to the boat. I have rented out my apartement, a friend to a friend moved in Monday and I are to be at Sandhamn for three months to clear my mind and maybe find out what next to do in life.

 

What a day !

You win some and you loose some, that is the theme of my day in London.

Yesterday me and Benny did the only thing you according to the local people can do in Ramsgate: We got pissed plying pool. Had a beer to lunch and then I don’t really know when we called it a night. I wouldn’t recommend anyone to go to bed drunk on a boat, wake up to early in the morning just to realise that you have to hand over the reeling and throw-up, go back down and gather you stuffs together, get of the boat and try to get a cab, this part fall under good things, a harbour officer were early to work and opened up for me and called me a cab. In that way I got right in time to catch the 0711 train to London Bridge. I sat on the train with my coke and after an hour and a half I realise that this was not the fast train as the man back at the ticket stand at Ramsgate told me, instead it was three-hour train. I couldn’t hold back so I ran in the toilet and like a 14 year old girl I puked, a Friday morning, that was probably good though as people actually felt sorry for me, probably didn’t thought that I looked like someone who got blasted last night. Arriving almost two hors later than planned I started to find my hotel. When I got there I couldn’t check in until three, I knew that but what I didn’t know were that I couldn’t either leave my bags if I don’t pay up 10 pound as a early check-in. I would have if I had had time to shower and get ready but I was in an extreme hurry to get to the Swedish embassy before 1100, time was now 10.30. So I got the reception to call me a cab, while standing on the sidewalk a few guys were arranging the sidewalk tables at the restaurant next door, I asked them if I could leave my bags with them for a few hours, of course he said no problem, I took my computer out and then left it to him to get into the cab. The driver took me to British museum, convinced that the embassy were located behind there, he took a wrong turn and about ten to 1100 he dropped me off, telling me to go around the corner, I paid 10 pounds and got off. I ran around the corner just to realize I couldn’t find it, got in the British museum pretty hysterically I got the man to actually borrow me his phone in order to get in contact with the embassy before the closed for the day. After 15 minutes I did get a hold of the girl at the embassy, explaining my situation and that I am to fly out first thing tomorrow morning and that I therefore really need my passport, telling the driver dropped me off here, she told me I were on the wrong side of town, but that she would arrange so that I could pick up my passport later that day even though the time for passports were between 9-11. I counted 2-2 positive vs. negatives.  Said thanks to the man at the museum, started to walk out when a heavy rain got me stranded at a place in the park, thought that I might check out if I can keep any food. I had a plain salad and I could keep it, people around probably thought I had some eating disorder considering how slowly I ate that salad. Asked a guy if I could look at his mp, you can have it he said, sweet then I know where I am and where to go.  Ok, had to start to get to a subway and go to marble arch and to collect my passport. She told me to come at precise 1400.

 

 

With my passport in my hand I went back to the hotel just to realize that I couldn’t check in still. The room are booked by Paul the owner of the boat I sailed here form Sweden, and to check-in, which they didn’t tell us when we did the booking, you have to answering a control question which is; what address? How should I know, luckily for me though I am a curious person and overlooked when Paul filled in the form, I don’t know the address I just know that it is Kent, I said, and they nodded ok and I got to have the most lovely shower for a long time.

 

Ok, it already 1700 so I better get going if I am to gain something out of this day, first I had a herbalife proteinbar, my body probably liked that, and I could keep it so I was happy. Harrods next on the schedule. I love to walk around there among designer art of clothes, shoes, accessories and furniture as well as paintings and posters. And of course a doughnut and a coffee. Did some nice shopping at Zara sale, a dress for my friends wedding, thought to myself, next stop Piccadilly and Soho, food time and I know what I want: wagamamma, but first print my boarding pass and check-in online. I stopped at Meriden at Piccadilly and fixed that, check, had a noodles dinner and believe me it felt good to have my first proper meal this day.

 

Time were now about half ten and I started to get back to the hotel, when at the room I realise that they don’t have any wake-up service and that equals that I wont get up in the morning to be in time for my flight as my phone isn’t charged. I asked at the hotel, no they don’t have a charger or a converter, so I decided to go for a pub walk and finally I found one at the pub cross the street. That equals 3-2 to the good side.

 

Oh, speaking of tomorrow and how to get to the airport, they do construction at the line that I stay at during his weekend I heard in the speakers today, I realised that I probably should check up how much that affect me tomorrow morning, and so I did and I now know how to do the puzzle tomorrow.

 

Almost all set, I will just go down to the pub and get my phone, have a nice shower and then lay down on the bed, relax for a while watching telly and eat some chips.

 

Tomorrow my sailing adventure ends by flying back home to Stockholm. It has been an intense time and as always when I do things there has been a lot to take in I a short time not at least that I have been living in a boat for a week and a half with three guys I hadn’t met before.  Felt a bit said to leave in the morning but as every time a good buy is only a start for something new. 

 

Stockholm here I come . . . 

England here we come !

And then we were three on the sinking ship, or as Benny says, on the plastic fantastic

Amsterdam for a day with the boys, well excluding Dave that had to fly home. Manged flower- market, coffee-shop, red-light district, got through a shopping mal and we had beer, walked along the bridges and found our selves in the middle of a Hare Krishna festival at the plaza outside the royal palace.

 

The plan were to leave at noon, rescheduled due to the rough wind until 15.00, wait for the wind to lower out to southeast wind  but it took until around 19.30 before we took the decision to leave, with bearing in mind that if we were taking in too much water than what we could handle we could go in at the WTP and harbour of Rotterdam. We spoke to Paul, the owner of the boat and according to the weather forecast the wind should go around to south east and then we would have a good angle (up-wind) to go across the channel.

 

It was all but that when we left. This time I geared up properly with boots on from the beginning, went to the toilet and were prepared mentally. Benny steered along the coast of Holland into a beautiful sunset, the whole sky were shifting and as taken form a Disney movie.

 

We did 6 buckets the first three hours. A rib-tour for three hours then we reached Rotterdam, where it was so busy of ships that you could almost not see the navigation chart, all going in different directions. I thought it more looked like a Tivoli with all the ships bright colourful lights on in the night. As predicted the wind were softening as we went along. I went off first shift at 01.00 then we just made one bucket of water the last hour inside the boat, next time I woke up it the sun were on its way up, and the sea was calm. Benny Told me I could go back to sleep when I popped my head up on deck, he said he would wake us up at 06.00, I didn’t argue. Next time I woke up the jib was up and Giles had turned the engine off. We were actually sailing. 

 

Pancake breakfast in the morning and then change of spinnaker and a herbalife-shake to regain some vitamins after schnitzel and deep fried …. In Germany and Holland. Smooth sailing and when I in the afternoon took up my book to read, Benny interrupted me and said “ there are dolphins “ I looked up and it was : )

 

By 17.30 we steered into Ramsgate. I am in England. 

Giles left us as soon as we were tied up, to go for a race in Sardinia, and then we were two ... 

I´m flashing Saturday, July 18, 2009

 I´m boored, said Dave and 19.30 we left the harbour of Van Der Helden, going through two lock and then entering the open water.  We were suppose to sail the boat down the coast 30 miles, you could say that we were to test sail the boat, to see where the water we took in the other night came from.

 

Dave was steering and I was trying to make my self useful, that means to try not to be in the way, not fall or hit my head into something.

 

We sailed upwind in 8 knots smashing waves in a very confused sea. In the beginning it felt like a cool RIB tour. Dave were steering with a smoke in is mouth and singing as a sailor should. It feels a bit cliché but it makes me feel like it is for real, and I like it, up until about an hour into the sail when I was soaked in water, my head were starting to feel dizzy of all bumping and Benny shouts up on deck to us to empty a bucket he just filled up, then the nice archipelago tour ended. I realised that being on a boat sometimes is like when you were a kid, all up to sleeping in tent. The whole day you prepared and were all excited for it, then as the darkness came upon you the fun of it started to fade. Then you could just leave the garden and go back inside to have hot chocolate and a sandwich with mum but here out at sea things are not quite like that, yeh you could go down in the cabin, but believe me if I would have done that yesterday then I would have been throwing up. This might be a line of where holiday sailing meets adventures sailing.

 

I thought I had to live the life of the extreme. I have seen all pictures of the crew at V70 boats and they always sit on the rail, hiking, so did I. But neither that were as glamorous as I had in mind, we were hit by a huge wave and I got wet from top to toe, my face got a salty peeling in the mixture of the wind and all the water coming at me. I had by this time put on my lifejacket and tied my self up to the boat so that I wouldn’t fall of. This were a six hour sail and during around the world races they are out day after day and hour after hour, and even if they have three or four sets of wearing they must be wet into the underwear and it must be cold and what about sleeping, how do they do it?  And maybe even more of a question, why do they do it? 

 

“I cant understand anyone sailing around the world it’ s like suicide but with torture, Dave said out loud after three hours. 

Time for pouring buckets for real, Dave pouring water out, passing it to Benny who lifts it up to me on deck to throw it out It is dark by now and my feets are cold, really cold, it is not fun anymore, Giles steers, I am emptying buckets, my shoulder hurts for lifting the buckets, I am hungry, I am in the middle of my period and I need to change, the water is still coming in to the boat, the waves are smashing. I went down in the cabin, glad that I used Ob so that I didn’t had to use the toilet, it were blocked with the floor boards that we had taken off to be able to pour out the water and also it was hard enough to stand in the boat as it was. I decided to find my self a corner, take of as little of clothes that I had too, make a quick change and go back up again. I thought about it a while but then decided that this could actually work. Dave asked if I really had to go to the bathroom and here comes the none understanding of how it is to be a woman, have I decided to have this problem no, but I have to deal with it, to avoid a unpleasant accident I had to deal with this. I released my self from the securityline, managed to get out of the lifejacket, climbed down and took the jacket off, it was all wet, found myself a corner and… well you don’t wont to here this part so I can just skip forward to the moment of taking the wet clothes back on, going up on deck to the cold. The thought of how do they do it on the around the world races, does the women just do things like this on deck? How about other needs?

 

 In the dark night, the stars were bright and I tried to see the adventure side of it, the power of nature, the… and that’s were my mind slipped to hot chocolate. I got interrupted by Dave who said that there is a wind farm coming up net to us… he was steering and suddenly there were a whole area of red light on our starboard side. “it’s not on the chart, said Giles, who was doing navigation at the same time as he poured water into the bucket. “Your flashing mate, you will blow up ! “ , said Benny. It was my life-jacket that had been soaked and alarmed. A good thing thou we know where you are, they all laughed.

 

An hour later there are green and red lights, a gate and then we sail into the marina. A huge one, tie up and I so much wanted to find a hot shower to clean off the dirty water, all the salt, it felt like I had a whole package of salt in my hair and a few layers in my face. I got out of my wet clothes, put some socks on, dry clothes and were to tired for even go for a shower. At the same time I were so cold, I figured that a cup of tea might do it. I boiled water and had a tea, crawled into my sleeping bag and pulled by hood- jacket up and did lay down in the sofa. 

I didn’t recive a hot chocolate but tea and a warm calm place to sleep, I were safe, the glamorous life of living life at the extream sailing around the world,hmm the scenario wouldn´t end here instead I would just have left my shift to get a wet sleep in a cold boat that bumps and bumps, to be woken up in an hour to move sails form one side to the other as we are about to tack. Daycruiser, that might be something... 

We are taking in water

Left Kiel, the german Rivera wich is a chapter it self not beeing posted on this blog. When I was going on my shift at 03.00 I just went in the front to get a bottle water, outside there were windy and rainded, i just looke dto my right ant the whole front toilette were fille dup of water, I called for Dave and we drained it just to realise that it were water all under the floor in the boat. First theroery were that someone had been sloppy and not turnet the seataps of but that wasnt it. 50 buckets and about 300 litre of water and 2,.5 hours. Dave and Benny went back to sleep, giles up in deck and me I sat down to watch the move Casino, half way in I stepped in lots of water and the procedure started all overa agin, thsi time less water but still about 20- 25 buckets.

a rought night, couldnt sort out where the probelm were, couldnt find the reasion for water keep on comming in, thought it were to be a crack in the keel. As we didnt know how bad it was, and if oit could escalate froma small crack to a huge on on the way to england, and as there were heavy weather expecting on the northern sea a decision were made that we were to go in to Holland and have th baot lifted.

Yesterday night we sailed in to a marine base, after having emptied another 7-8 buckets in smooth weather,at he moment of writing the boat are lifted at teh jachtwerf Den Helder, but we still dont know what caused the water comming in. All we could find were a scratch where the keel meets the boat so that is now fixed with a kind of rubberglue, a temporary action, but how the water coame in we still dont know.

Delivery girl 54°24´N 10°13´E

Marina of Kiel, one of them, not all look like Sandhamn and Marsstrand, that´s my eralier extension of marinas and yacht-clubs 

Three days and three nights at sea, a personal record, just steered in to Laboe, close to Kiel, in the morning sun with a cup of coffee in my hand after a long night. It is a feeling similar to the one when you sit in an airplane on your way to start going in for landing and you start to se the town from the air, you feel excited as you come closer, I got the same felling when hang up the German flag in the wires by the sail. It is tradition that you change flag when entering national water.

 

We stooped in Kalmar and filled up the boat with fuel, and our selves with McDonalds. I realised that Öland is far longer than I thought.  Since turning the at the south of Sweden we have been sailing along the shipping- line up until just before midnight when we crossed the line. It was a beautiful sunset and for the first time I felt the warm, I had just woken up, around 22.30 and was standing in my long sleve and sailor bottoms, barefeet, the luxury cruiser passed one by one and as we sailed pass Fehmarn it brought me to the city and to the amusement- park, they are always lit up in the darkness. That first part of the night it felt as a luxury to bee out at sea, a feeling of freedom and also of excitement for where to stop next, what that will bring, a bit like back-packing, going out in the unknown. Still pretty organized as I know where we are  going just not always predictable in what weather or what speed, But I am in good hands. 

It is a lot to get used to, to sleep when you are of shift no matter the time a day, to remember to eat and drink water. I have my Herbalife products with me and actually had a shake with orangejuice and my pills to it yesterday afternoon when off watch and started to read the kiterunner.  Me and Giles had the night shift from midnight up until now and I can promise you that I was tired around 6 when it still was cold. Around 4.30 we had dinner: heat up food, pretty cool. You open a big bag whereas you pour in a liquid from a smaller bag and then waits for 10 minutes it then heats up the inner bag where in you food is. We had a veggi one and it tasted pretty ok, I say better than freeze- dry food. That you actually have to eat a while before to make you body to adjust to it. For me I am trying to adjust to the life at sea. Both when it comes to lifestyle and to sailing it self. Learning more every day, and this morning I actually could help out to take down the sail, I folded the sail and climed the mast, tied fenders up when were to go in to the Marina.  Small things but it feels nice not only to be in the way.

 

We are staying the night here for Dave and Benny to clear custom and as the Canal is only open between sunrise and sunset so you have to go early in the morning to be able to motor ( you are not allowed to sail)  through the 98.5 km long Canal originally built so that the German fleet could move between the Baltic and the North Sea without having to pass through the Kattegatt, opened in 1985. Until then we will go to Kiel for some proper food, a shower and a beer, maybe not in that order thou. Yeah another thing to adapt to; I brushed my teeth first time last afternoon, and have had the same clothes on since Sandhamn doesn’t really make any sense to change. No sleep since yesterday afternoon. I just say as I always have: shy sleep when you can do more fun things, as having a hotwater shower and then go down town Kiel : ) 

Delivery girl 7/12/09 12:57 A

7/12/09 12:57 AM;  24 hrs check, my first night on board.

Passing Kalmar, heading towards the very south of Sweden to turn towards Kiel wich will be our first pit stop on the way to South-Hampton. 

12.15 Left Sandhamn, waving god buy to my parents, my brother and some fiends of ours, geared up in yellow: oh my I am trendy even at the sea, for you who dint know yellow is the colour of the summer.

 

Dave Steering out of Sandhamn 

10-15 kts wind, Easterly so initially on the beam, hoist full main and delivery jib, good speed, 9 kts

Hi- tech navigation; course and waypoints, WPT, plotting and a visit to the toilet. My hardest quest is to walk at the boat not falling. Leaving Sandhamn behind brought me the same feeling I usually get when getting on an airplane, you know when you sit down at your spot, has stored your bag and you feel that you are at the beginning of an adventure that you don’t know what it has in hand for you, you just know that you like it because it will bring you somewhere.

14.30 Snack time, a great sandwich with cheese and salami on the bread bought at the old fashioned bakery at Sandhamn. Dave told me we’d do 4hrs of 4hrs on. I went for a nap woke up and felt really sick, thought oh no not this. I went for the toilet and throw up, but just a little so I thought some fresh air would do it. Went up on deck and thought shall I take a seasick pill or endure and hope for my body to adjust, I did the later.

 

20.00 Dinner. Will I be able to keep it were my biggest concern. Ham and cheese pie, and it went well, no veggie here for a while.

 

22.00 Dave told me I better try to catch some sleep before my night shift with Giles 00.00 to 05.00. A bit scared of how it would turn out I did go down for a sleep and it worked out well even though the sea was a bit busy.

 

Midnight and I geared up properly to be out in the cold. Still freezing but we had some coffee and chocolate so we did ok. It is interesting how you bend time when out like this. You kind of entering a bubble of logic, everything you do you do for a purpose and by that it becomes so clear. It is relaxing. And Giles and me had a pretty nice night, my mission was to make sure he didn’t fell asleep and did pretty well. A red sky and the moon reflecting in the sea as we sailed along in the night.  I thought it funny, or maybe I should say typical me that I first, since I was a kid, sailed the V70 boats in the Volvo, the most prestigious race in the world and that caught me to take the opportunity to sail to England with these guys.

 

Cornflakes and yogurt for breakfast and coffee of course 

09.00 Oh my I slept deep and was a bit morning tired when Dave woke me up. A coffee out the sun fixed it. Change of plan, we are burning too much fuel so re-route to stop at Kalmar to re-fuel.

 

about to leave Sandhamn

I have now moved my gypsy bags down to Artemis. The Grand Soleil 43, which means the big sun, the boat that I will sail with to SouthHampton. It Well I did an interview with a guy during VolvoOcenaRace and about a week later he called me and asked what I was up to at the 5th of July! No plan I said as I finish up the radio around the 3rd. 

- Do you wanna sail with us to England ? We need a fourth person. 

- I have just got my self a sailors jacket and my knowledge of sailing stops at optimist sailing at 10 yrs age. But sure if you want me anyway I am on. 

Today, three weeks later I am at Artemis ready to go. We just have to solve a creditcard issue so that we could get our groceries then we are to leave out from Sandhamn, as we should have done an hour ago ...  

Will try to update you along the way.