Saturday night, a friend turned 30 and we all gathered at Judit and Bertil, on the south side. Had some wine and talked about all and nothing as one should a Saturday night. I had a glass of wine too for once. The last three weeks with the beginning of a glass at Sandhamn, I have taken a glass now and then.
Oh, for you who don’t know the background I have since the autumn of 2004 started to quit drinking back and forth. Not because I don’t think that I wouldn’t manage to quit forever but because I don’t want to. Or at least I didn’t want to. Not up until a few hours ago. Sunday morning, I woke up by the phone. The sun was shining in, it was already 10.30. I had arrived back home yesterday night at half past two but then felt said, angry and too frustrated to go to bed. I must have taken at leas one hour before I finally went to sleep. I don’t know if it was a beginning of the insight that I might have realized that drinking and me are no good combination. Or if it was the fact that everyone else went home together with someone, except for me.
Either way I woke up on Sunday morning and typed an sms to a friend asking him if he possibly could put aside an hour or so to help me with my film. Which actually is a job application for a job as a reporter. A friend had seen the add in metro; two months on the road; blog; camera; film and twitter for Svenska Turistföreningen. The application is a video posted on youtube tagged to twitter. So here I was. Newly awake receiving an sms. “If you’ll be at the office in 30 minutes”. Jumped in to the clothes that were on top of the sofa and left my apartment, felt really low but couldn’t really know why. Arrived at his office and the sight of breakfast; yogurt, bread and cheese and coffee really made me smile. There in the middle of breakfast and American dad on the TV I put words on it.
- I had some wine yesterday, it made me feel said, and when sipping my wine; at every sip I noticed quietly for my self that I had another sip; conscious. All the time I check on my self and ask my self how much have I been drinking; how do I feel. Am I ok? and so on.
- The thing with drinking alcohol is to not think, my friend replied
- Yes, I know, I said, but I had too, as I was afraid that I would get caught up in the mood otherwise and find my self having a few to many and fall back in to old habits. I continued by adding that I thought that I could hold it on a social level. To have a glass or two among friends together with a dinner or like this among people that are slow drinkers.
- Not like when we are out, he laughed
- No not when I could get caught up in the mood, because I love the feeling of being drunk together with friends. Allow it to escalate, dance and just let everything go for a night. Having a blast. My problem is that those days when everything stays at that are very few compared to when it doesn’t. And yesterday, even if I just had few glasses I feelt the eager of something, and those times that I just have taken a glass I feel that it. It affects my feelings and I turn the hours around, don’t hold on to my routines, not that they are significant for the moment, but they sure not get better with alcohol in the picture.
The sum is that the conscious drinking equals the relaxing feeling that comes when the alcohol runs in your body. as they equals each others and leave me with its back-side and a constant worry for not handling it I only see one rational decision to take. And to put into the words of my spiritual mentor "if it does not fall in under the umbrella of that it brings me good, then it doesn´t . I should never take something away but instead make sure that every thing I do and thing´k are for my own best, not in an egoistic way but as in being kind to my self".
With that deeply philosophical breakfast the day were colored by a strange shimmer. I recognize it. I have felt it before; it makes your life spin, you don’t know why but it feels like you are running out of time and at the same time as some thongs appear clear others darkens and becomes really hard to determine.
I cut my movie, realized when watching my self on film that I was glad that I’m familiar with my own voice so that I “only” had to deal with watching my self on the screen, then I had my herbalife- shake with vitamins and went to the studio to record tonight’s show. Today i brought a juice and my containers of tropical flavored formula 1 and protein powder mixed; easy to pour into the bottle; shake it and drink it. Around nine when finally finished in the radio studio I was glad that I had taken that shake because I was hungry then, and would have been terribly hungry if it wasn't for my afternoon shake. Hooked up with some friends and sat down, relieved to just sit there and to have a great pasta, a long day that I really didn’t seam to get a hold of, in the same way as I wished for it to reach its end I wanted it to last forever just to be able to take it all in and figure out how to take this further. but every day has an end and that end is the beginning of a new day with new challenges. The night in- between are for us to sleep on it and maybe un-counsiously plan the next move.
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