A roundabout

It feels like I am caught in a French roundabout. You know one of those that you for some mysterious reason just end up in; and then you find you self doing laps after lap. It all goes around in circles you try to get out of their but there is always cars that push you back in, that don’t let you trough. And you are not sure of what direction you are heading; you came from one that’s the only thing for sure. You wish for a map but don’t have one for this particular roundabout. It is like someone just placed it there and refuses to take it away. Your head spins and it is almost that you just want to stop the car, walk out and sit in the middle of everything. Just sit there until all cars disappear, but you know that is not likely so you have to decide what road to take. Focus and find your way there, no matter if that is the wrong way or not, but you need to stop doing laps. So why don’t you? Because the body and mind don’ t work together.  You can’t break free.

Managed to get out of bed and meet up with a friend at Humlegården for lunch in the park. Received a phone call that I didn’t get the job at Sandhamn either. Realized that I have to turn this around. That all my bitterness that has come over me is highly due to the feeling of not being in control. So I have to gain that control again. Decided to rent out my apartment during summer, live at Sandhamn and do radio and stay with my good friend in her parents house when I Stockholm. With a decision in my mind and a plan in at least one direction I felt a bit better. Gained some energy by food and sun and stopped by at the radio to record with Matilda.  

Preparations, at Skärgårdsradion, for the Volvo Ocean Race official radio station 

A friend stopped by in the evening for tea and I told her about my plan. We developed it further. I am going to be a journalist for fulltime, make up my own ideas, pull them through and sell them in. In that way I am responsible for my own good.

This demand that I do take control of my self again and that I am firm with my planning and make sure that I are one step ahead of my self all the time and not one behind. Also that I put up deadlines and keep them. Structure my days.

"You are being tested" were the words form a friend after telling him over the phone about my complicated life situation and how it all slip through my fingers, and hoe it fells like I never get anywhere and that no one understands me. And then he says the sentence you don't want to hear, and why am I being tested, what bad have I done or should I be glad that I am being tested. Sorry I can't really se the good in it. Is that what I am to learn. Well as I said before, tested or not, I have to find a way out of this roundabout. Now when giving it a second thought I am not sure of why this roundabout really is. Maybe it actually is a test. and maybe it is not the way I choose that is the important but my state of mind when doing laps and deciding to make a choice of what direction to take.  maybe it is two-folded. 

So Tomorrow I have to work on that schedule. Both food and drinks, wakening hours and when to go to bed as well as planned working hours and exercise.  I had a negative relationship to this before. It felt like I had to do something, but not when turned it all around it feels like I am free. That I am in power of what my days are to bring me. And I look forward to wake up tomorrow and start to create my schedule.