This spring I changed alcohol to herbalife and I actually reduced my daily depression, got regular with my pilates exercises and then came summer and I was working a lot, having fun during Volvooceanrace, midsummer and then Gotland Runt at Sandhamn, two weeks sailing thorug Amsterdam and in Ramsgate, a forbidden harbour three hours outside of London I did it. I could have foreseen it and I also felt it coming after the fourth beer but instead of calling it a night I order another round.
The day before I had made herablife shakes and wrote a long piece in my diary of that it is up to one self to decide what to do with our time. This is a reoccurent theme this summer that when ever something goes well and an insight strikes me I run.
I run, I just watched a movie where a guy bangs a waitress at the bathroom at his best friends funeral. He sais, I wanted to be anywhere else but there, and that might be it. The first phase always brings pleasure in different forms, I meet lovely people, have a nice time and so on . then comes the a less pleasant phase, containing humiliation, overstepped lines and total freakshow, this is where the first one disappears in the shadow of the second and the third the one that awaits and the one that you always tries to push as far ahead as you can; the anxiety, the hatred that dwellvs inside and somehow stays inside.
Also as you all have notices I havnt written for a while, about the same period of time as I have been drinking. Now I am sitting in my sofa with high fever and a pain in my chest taking penicillin for mykoplasma. Have you ever taken a depression test when sititng alone sick at home? Not, try it, I scored very well.
Well, I have also been on a few dates with a lovely guy and I said ot a friend today in the phone that. Why did he have to come in to my life in the most up-side down period where not even I can find the start or the end or understand anything inbetween. He also were with me when I the other day had a panic attack, or so I thought now I do belive that it rather had to do with the mykoplasma as that is fairly common and also shows the same as a panic attack, I realized spending some time at google. He got to see to much reality. My fiend told me with a confused voice; but isn’t that better to meet in the reality? Well in my world NO ! these meetings are what I have tried to avoid.
Well, somehow I think this is connected I m just not sure of in what way yet. What I do know is that routine and mealand sleepwaych are important for me, it do keep me on track. What also keeps my heart warm is all those lovely people who accept and sometimes even likes the real me; and most important do let me be me without giving me feelings of guilt. That is what I call to let someone do their process in their speed and be there.
Well, if you guys find this a bit crazy I can always blame on the fever ; )
Tomorrow I will start up the day with a herbalife shake. I will also update you on my herbalife status as soon as possible. And you might also get an answer on why I, something I actually got noticed on the other day at my data; that I usually speak in third person and he corrected me and told me to say I, might be connected with creating a distance between my self and the scary world, if I do or what I do I will this time not put into words in the sense of I will do this or that, as that usually don’t lead anywhere, but I will post a update at least 3 times a week. Keeping in mind htat there is only one person that can control your thoughts and that is you. That means that it is up to me to define what is right and what is wrong and what do I want ?
Until then,
M
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