New Years Eve

I will end this year of 2009 with a insight that I for the first time don’t wishes anything to be any different than it is. Neither I wan´t to be any different from who I am. It is with calmness I enter the beautiful year of 2010. My pledge is not long considering numbers of letters but its context is huge; I wont escape any more, every time I want to, and I am sure that they will be many, I will deal with it no matter of the consequences, I wont be afraid any more.

I know, that sounded a bit pretentious and new age but so it is. Now I will go into town to meet up with some good friend of mind and salute the new year from the highest point in Stockholm

And don´t forget your apple, to take a bite along with the champagne will bring you a healthy year, in Spain tradition says grapes, so pick your choice or regard the champagne as fluid grapes 

J 

24 hrs in bed with Dexter

season 4 of the life of dexter forensic and serial killer, 

"History repeats itself ", or is´t it ?! 

Is the hard question to let go in life that we can´t protect our loved ones, no matter how much we try, it that what we are afraid to loose or are we scared of our limits on one hand and our capability on the other. Are we so afraid to loose that we don´r dare to love ? 

 

Are we to trust in chance and destiny, that we all have a path or are we actually creating our own path by the choices we make, the hard thing with this is the question that what makes us do the choice that we make: do they come from what we are who from who we have created? 

before i loved to ask questions? i did it a lot but i realized later on that questions just give you the answers placed there, the ones that fit in to the picture that builds the puzzle piece by piece. If you want answers you have to get them like a detective that dig them up and the question then is if you really want the answer or if you just want a answer ! 

well, so much for new year sentimentality, I don´t know about you but I have decided about my new year pledge that I will say over a glass of champagne watching the sky above stockholm be lit up by fire works

till then, 

http://www.sho.com/site/dexter/home.do

or 

http://www.cucirca.com

Good bye past, Welcome future …

X-mas, santa and all carols, not to forget the sweets and all the food, prepared and eaten as if we were bears just before the long winter sleep, but we are not bears and it ´s time to get back to reality. 

I love that my gifts from santa were for me and just me :) this is an amazing café Presso with heat function in a cordless base that you can move and plug in like this next to the computer or in a lazy morning next to bed to always enjoy hot coffee ... 

Just came home from a 40 minute walk in the fantastic winter wonderland where all kids smile as they ride down-hill on their Christmas gifts. For me I am trying to walk away a month of unhealthy living, a never-ending cold and as always when a intense episode is coming to its end, or rather I am putting an end to it, the well-known state of mind appears, even though it not any longer strikes me with surprise it is still not a pleasant, neither easy to deal with. The panic attack has been scratching the surface for a while now and as so many times before I have pushed it back. Today when walking along the riverside I suddenly asked my self why we do it, why do we sacrifice our selves? 

Take such a dramatic example as love, why do we give in for the feeling? It is not love we feel when we so rapidly “ fall for someone” it is passion that we seek isn´t ? and what does that tell about our selves ? I don’t argue for people to nor be lovable or to stop loving but maybe we need to re-consider the meaning of love.  The other night when painting a piece for my brother I suddenly realised that not to have anyone to give love to hurts!  And not to be able to receive love also hurts! I thought of an old boyfriend of mine and his mom´s extreme love for animals and lack of showing her family her love. She found a way, other give birth to children in order to secure this need, or dive in to work or voluntary services. Just when writing this I realize that this is not a new thought on my mind, an old monk in India,  told me that he feel sorry for westerners who have such a hard time to show love and he were convinced that all this fuzz about dogs in our part of the world is the proof of this. We can’t just see and feel all the love around us, in every piece and person, we have to concentrate it, give it a direction, force it into a form, and we demand an answer. Earlier this morning I read in my current book: Shantaram, and I got stuck at a line where the main character is stuck in a war when he at one point look back and says that love isn’t something we receive but something we give .

Maybe we also in all this has to give love to our selves, break-up with our Lutheran punishment view of life, and forgive our selves in the sense of accepting our selves as humans, see the beauty in that and stop reaching for turning our selves into robots.

Something that got me thinking of my life, how do I want it to be, what actors shall be in my movie; where do I want to shoot it and what do I want to say with the manuscript?  This made me re-consider putting together a new years pledge, something I haven’t done for many years. 

But now I will enter into a closer challenge, I simply cant get my hair other than straight, no matter what fancy products i use, my sister her boyfriend and my brother hence gave me this, the one you possibly can´t fail with, I just say prove it Babyliss i-curl... 

Winter wonderland

Oh my, it´ s just a week to Christmas, santa and the Christmas carols follow us from the glory morning until we once again are allowed to slip into bed and hide underneath covers and pillows, hide from the cold and follow the snowflakes falling outside our window.  

 

The code I have tried to apply to my life is not easy at all times as it includes a change in my regular pattern of thinking a re-installation of soft ware one could say. That’s one side of it, the other is what I get in return, I am for the first time ever building my self and my life. To remind my self I have small things like the Buddhist flags blowing in the wind on my balcony, the colourful dots on the picture. I have also for a few weeks in a row, a prayer from the book by the nun Pema Schödrön, it´ s a two verse reminder of humanity and loving kindness and asking of guidance and strength to keep up believing.  In the beginning I did a short mediation before and one after and then I took my morning shake but the time has not been there the last weeks. The meditation has been left aside, and as I still has this pneumonia and I had a cold, been tired and not able to do any exercise I have not either been able to eat to much, so the morning shake has been re-placed with two cheese sandwiches and coffee.  As I have overslept, not so that I have been late to work, bur reduces my 1 ½ hour to 30 minutes I also have bought take away coffee cups so that I can bring my coffee and drink it at the subway, this make me not spend 14 crows on coffee at 7-11 every morning. 

 

I have to work with my hours but I am on it, for once I don´t feel like I failed this time not beeing regular with everything, because know that I have progressed and that I am on the right track, I just need to get my own structure and to know what and how to prioritise.

 

The impact the weather has on us, at least me is amazing. Since I started writing I can follow a pattern of deeper understanding or maybe I shall call it a need of questioning and discuss the human nature when the wind blows no matter if it is a warm but heavy wind in Thailand or here as a snowstorm, it fills me with anxiety and calls for a panic attack and a sleepless night, a form of excitement in the body,  and in a un explainable way cleans me up form the inside out.  I feel filled with energy and an eager to deal with things, to be alive ! So lets do it, lets live the life we want to live … it aint harder than you make it to love every day.. you got to start at some point, why not right here and right now..! Do it and be firm and focused and realistic, start with one thing and remember not to take something away but to add another