a little thing called life

A fab Eve

2010-01-01T03:08:00.010+01:00

I started out with the old comedy on Tv: the "countess and the servant" as I just stepped out of shower,having a laugh as it as a lot of years ago that I saw these classic 15 minutes, while getting dressed and having a laugh, decided to not cook and instead go down town to Reisen where my freind works tonight and eat what ever possible in the bar.

I am glad I did :) A great mushroom soap, bread and of course the only drink suitable; champagne served by my friend on the other side of bar... new year were a fact and a good one.

on my way to meet up with my friend I passed a out-door dj vinter festival area, a nice event I think for teens.

In the freezing cold Stockholm me my friend and a colleague of hers went to the bar, heaven and a bit more ( himlen därtill)

champagne and an apple

Harlem jazz and the feeling were on top at the top of stockholm, we enjoyed champagne and the feeling of new year.... a count down and then lights out and "happy new year" heard out loud

to watch the fire works form above was a new thing : )

Had another glass of champagne, danced to hte great mix provided by the dj and felt the relief of entering a new year

Home, pleased and feel that life is pretty nice after all

I just have have one thing to say to you

HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!

It´s gonna be a good one :)

http://www.restauranghimlen.se/

http://www.firsthotels.com/sv/Vara-hotell/Sverige/Stockholm/First-Hotel-Reisen/

New Years Eve

2009-12-31T20:19:00.000+01:00

I will end this year of 2009 with a insight that I for the first time don’t wishes anything to be any different than it is. Neither I wan´t to be any different from who I am. It is with calmness I enter the beautiful year of 2010. My pledge is not long considering numbers of letters but its context is huge; I wont escape any more, every time I want to, and I am sure that they will be many, I will deal with it no matter of the consequences, I wont be afraid any more.

I know, that sounded a bit pretentious and new age but so it is. Now I will go into town to meet up with some good friend of mind and salute the new year from the highest point in Stockholm

And don´t forget your apple, to take a bite along with the champagne will bring you a healthy year, in Spain tradition says grapes, so pick your choice or regard the champagne as fluid grapes

24 hrs in bed with Dexter

2009-12-30T16:13:00.002+01:00

season 4 of the life of dexter forensic and serial killer,

"History repeats itself ", or is´t it ?!

Is the hard question to let go in life that we can´t protect our loved ones, no matter how much we try, it that what we are afraid to loose or are we scared of our limits on one hand and our capability on the other. Are we so afraid to loose that we don´r dare to love ?

Are we to trust in chance and destiny, that we all have a path or are we actually creating our own path by the choices we make, the hard thing with this is the question that what makes us do the choice that we make: do they come from what we are who from who we have created?

before i loved to ask questions? i did it a lot but i realized later on that questions just give you the answers placed there, the ones that fit in to the picture that builds the puzzle piece by piece. If you want answers you have to get them like a detective that dig them up and the question then is if you really want the answer or if you just want a answer !

well, so much for new year sentimentality, I don´t know about you but I have decided about my new year pledge that I will say over a glass of champagne watching the sky above stockholm be lit up by fire works

till then,

http://www.sho.com/site/dexter/home.do

http://www.cucirca.com

Good bye past, Welcome future …

2009-12-28T15:55:00.005+01:00

X-mas, santa and all carols, not to forget the sweets and all the food, prepared and eaten as if we were bears just before the long winter sleep, but we are not bears and it ´s time to get back to reality.

I love that my gifts from santa were for me and just me :) this is an amazing café Presso with heat function in a cordless base that you can move and plug in like this next to the computer or in a lazy morning next to bed to always enjoy hot coffee ...

Just came home from a 40 minute walk in the fantastic winter wonderland where all kids smile as they ride down-hill on their Christmas gifts. For me I am trying to walk away a month of unhealthy living, a never-ending cold and as always when a intense episode is coming to its end, or rather I am putting an end to it, the well-known state of mind appears, even though it not any longer strikes me with surprise it is still not a pleasant, neither easy to deal with. The panic attack has been scratching the surface for a while now and as so many times before I have pushed it back. Today when walking along the riverside I suddenly asked my self why we do it, why do we sacrifice our selves?

Take such a dramatic example as love, why do we give in for the feeling? It is not love we feel when we so rapidly “ fall for someone” it is passion that we seek isn´t ? and what does that tell about our selves ? I don’t argue for people to nor be lovable or to stop loving but maybe we need to re-consider the meaning of love. The other night when painting a piece for my brother I suddenly realised that not to have anyone to give love to hurts! And not to be able to receive love also hurts! I thought of an old boyfriend of mine and his mom´s extreme love for animals and lack of showing her family her love. She found a way, other give birth to children in order to secure this need, or dive in to work or voluntary services. Just when writing this I realize that this is not a new thought on my mind, an old monk in India, told me that he feel sorry for westerners who have such a hard time to show love and he were convinced that all this fuzz about dogs in our part of the world is the proof of this. We can’t just see and feel all the love around us, in every piece and person, we have to concentrate it, give it a direction, force it into a form, and we demand an answer. Earlier this morning I read in my current book: Shantaram, and I got stuck at a line where the main character is stuck in a war when he at one point look back and says that love isn’t something we receive but something we give .

Maybe we also in all this has to give love to our selves, break-up with our Lutheran punishment view of life, and forgive our selves in the sense of accepting our selves as humans, see the beauty in that and stop reaching for turning our selves into robots.

Something that got me thinking of my life, how do I want it to be, what actors shall be in my movie; where do I want to shoot it and what do I want to say with the manuscript? This made me re-consider putting together a new years pledge, something I haven’t done for many years.

But now I will enter into a closer challenge, I simply cant get my hair other than straight, no matter what fancy products i use, my sister her boyfriend and my brother hence gave me this, the one you possibly can´t fail with, I just say prove it Babyliss i-curl...

Winter wonderland

2009-12-17T00:26:00.006+01:00

Oh my, it´ s just a week to Christmas, santa and the Christmas carols follow us from the glory morning until we once again are allowed to slip into bed and hide underneath covers and pillows, hide from the cold and follow the snowflakes falling outside our window.

The code I have tried to apply to my life is not easy at all times as it includes a change in my regular pattern of thinking a re-installation of soft ware one could say. That’s one side of it, the other is what I get in return, I am for the first time ever building my self and my life. To remind my self I have small things like the Buddhist flags blowing in the wind on my balcony, the colourful dots on the picture. I have also for a few weeks in a row, a prayer from the book by the nun Pema Schödrön, it´ s a two verse reminder of humanity and loving kindness and asking of guidance and strength to keep up believing. In the beginning I did a short mediation before and one after and then I took my morning shake but the time has not been there the last weeks. The meditation has been left aside, and as I still has this pneumonia and I had a cold, been tired and not able to do any exercise I have not either been able to eat to much, so the morning shake has been re-placed with two cheese sandwiches and coffee. As I have overslept, not so that I have been late to work, bur reduces my 1 ½ hour to 30 minutes I also have bought take away coffee cups so that I can bring my coffee and drink it at the subway, this make me not spend 14 crows on coffee at 7-11 every morning.

I have to work with my hours but I am on it, for once I don´t feel like I failed this time not beeing regular with everything, because know that I have progressed and that I am on the right track, I just need to get my own structure and to know what and how to prioritise.

The impact the weather has on us, at least me is amazing. Since I started writing I can follow a pattern of deeper understanding or maybe I shall call it a need of questioning and discuss the human nature when the wind blows no matter if it is a warm but heavy wind in Thailand or here as a snowstorm, it fills me with anxiety and calls for a panic attack and a sleepless night, a form of excitement in the body, and in a un explainable way cleans me up form the inside out. I feel filled with energy and an eager to deal with things, to be alive ! So lets do it, lets live the life we want to live … it aint harder than you make it to love every day.. you got to start at some point, why not right here and right now..! Do it and be firm and focused and realistic, start with one thing and remember not to take something away but to add another

It´s getting cold

2009-11-22T13:10:00.002+01:00

Hey everyone !

For you guys not located in Sweden I can tell that we have had just a 20 minutes of sun the last two weeks... and for you who went for artificial tanning, they are now officially announced as dangerous by scientists and are taken away at gym and other places so what´s left to do then to keep your self away from feeling blue?!

Usually I add exercise to get the endorphins running in my body, but as I still ain´t ok, since svine-flue and pneumonia I have to re-consider other options. The one not so clever is that I have been out a lot, met up with friends, and that is good in the social way but the backside is that it involves alcohol and even though it gives your body a rush for the moment it does affect you negatively in the long run, thats the easy way out. BUT I have at the same time kept up with my shakes in the morning or when over-slept taken it in the afternoon. I am trying to adept to my new job and the working hours.

Next step will be to, and i know i have said it before, to add thermo complete in order to minimize sugarneed. I will also try to re- establish a time-schedule including Pilates. THat is one part, the second is that I will when out at the bar or clubbing, always have wine, beer etc at home and when i feel like I just want one more glass I will go home and have that glass at home. I don´t know if that is a good solution or not but it is worth trying, I know i did similar at Sandhamn a few summers ago and I actually think that it worked, So from now on I will try it and then evaluate, what else can you do id life than a trial and error ....

I will also try to use all "free-time" to work with my projects in journalism and arts and crafts, in order to create an additional value to my life...

And...

to move focus away from partner, familylife, kids etc and towards my self and my needs ...

In all this Herbalife keeps me on track and gives me strenght to deal with stuffs in my life, so lets see if thermocompleate could help me loose some of those kilos I have added, and maybe at new year I can start 2010 in balance and with the figures that i reached in may.

Herbalife vs Bambino

2009-10-25T22:42:00.004+01:00

My TV broke down so now I´ve moved in to my kitchen where I reinstalled my breakfast TV. Love Actually is running and I am organizing my self. Four weeks at my new job, I have a plan of how to structure my self, at least a bit, drugged on penicillin for the third time around this autumn.

I realized since starting out with Herbalife in spring, that the major reason for take or not take it is the scale of readily available. Hence I asked my coach Roger for containers to bring mixed protein ( formula3 ) and tropical (formula 1) in order to easily pour it into a bottle of juice and shake it even if I don’t have my shake with me during the day or if my schedule changes. The problem with those were that you cant fit it all into them ( 2 measures of formula 3 and 2 measures of formula 1) the other option you have is to use travel pack’ s but they are only formula 1 so you have to bring additionally a plastic of formula 3. Then I were at my sisters for dinner, my nephew are soon to be 6 months and she is all into gruel for the moment, she figured out that in a bambino container for gruel you can fit in 3 mixed meals; one in each of the three separate boxes and that’s not all, it is also developed to not leak out any powder, just make sure that you keep the cap above one of the boxes, if not it might leak...

I have filled mine up, and also I have shopped pineapple and papaya stored in a container in the refrigerator (the rest put into my freezer to use later on), all inorder to make it easier to take than to skip it and re-place it with 7-11 breakfast on the way or a chocolate-bar in the afternoon.

When I did an interview with the professional boxer Isam Khalil he told me that he placed all his running-clothes in a line from his bed just to make it easier to get out in the morning. Because I think that is something we all fight with, we tend to know what we should do but instead of making it happen we close put our hands infornt of our eyes and pretend that everything is different than it is, that all problems are gone, just like when we were kids and played hide and seek. But as grown ups it does not disappear when we lower our hands and opens our eyes.

The different ways of running away from love, self-preservation, are in its catharsis in love actually with just one week left to Christmas. I will have my chocolate pudding and enjoy the resolution of love and the hours of sunday and my free day ( my day where i don´t know the word healthy or Herbalife) : )

Good night !

2009-10-22T00:46:00.001+02:00

Just came up from a bath, lovely even though it´s after bedtime, for me at midnight. But today is a special day, it´s the first day in a long time that I actually feel that I am living life: I have dealt with those small stuffs that you have had on your list for too long, and now I don´t speak of a week to long, but a year or maybe more. I know that you regard me as a slacker and inpredictable, and I don’t blame you. I were suppose to add photos of me reached my goal, to be an 8 at the scale thin and fit, one might think that I would find pleasure in posting a picture then but here we touch something that is highly interesting. As summer came along and routines were crashed I fell back in progress and then it escalated into uncontrollable, you who read my posts during summer can sign that it were a rollercoaster.

Since three weeks, almost four, I have been busy to get a hold of issues and people at my new job. It is a lot to take in and as I mistreated myself at Sandhamn I had to pay the price of entering my new work with low energy and a broken back that gave me pain and stole concentration add on top of this an infection in a tooth, painkillers and a confused me. I didn´t either got a hold of meals neither my sleep. Instead I got frustrated and angry.

A few days ago I once again started my mornings with a herbalife smoothie and my stomach, that crashed really bad the last days at Sandhamn, re-covered. The problem has been that I in my frustration haven’t been able to keep it up as I have overslept every morning meaning that I have been intime to work but exchanged my smoothie with 7-11 breakfast. Today I surprised myself with all the energy I got from bringing an extra shake to take when my bloodsugar starts to fall in the afternoon. I might have found a strategy that actually could work.

After been down town after work, doing some shopping as I got a full salary this month and knows that I will receive another one next moth. I love this part of my new life. Jeans, make-up and some stuffs to fix my shirt and some things for my fridge I felt like I still had energy when I arrived home around 2100. I did fix my shirt, tried and sorted out what to bring to dry cleaner and what shoes to bring and also put down my bad that needs to been taken care of , into a bag to bring tomorrow.

When organizing my laundry my sister called, she told me how she loves to have taken up her routine with herbalifeshakes. She just finished breastfeeding my nephew, my little prince, a few weeks ago. Today she told me that she decided to walk to our parents before going to an aerobic dance class at the gym, instead of local transportation, she said that she really feel a difference in energy and to dig into things and also her patience with her son has increased radically, she feels calmer. And I could only agree, the calmness is interesting as you gain energy which should make you more restless but instead it helps to focus and you get things done.

So, even if you might regard me as traitor, I can tell that life is not easy and even if we are convinced that we will do something, circumstances comes in-between and we loose focus and then we are caught in the spinning wheel. I would say that it is by doing it nad doing it again, to use a bit of a worn out expression, you will fall of the horse both once and twice, the big effort is to get back up there every time and analyzing why you fell of this time to not fall for the same reason, maybe you will due to this or that, but after a while you wont and then when you think that your good then you suddenly will fall of, not in accordance with last time but due to something else that you did differently or due to other circumstances.

Monkeys

2009-10-02T12:29:00.001+02:00

Just gave me a laugh in the morning !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pSm7BcQHWXk

Alcoholic Vervet Monkeys! - Weird Nature - BBC animals

Source: www.youtube.com

In the Caribbean, Vervet Monkeys have developed a taste for alcohol and can regularly be spotted stealing cocktails from humans on the beach. Brilliant wildlife video from BBC animal show 'Weird Nature'.

book inspiration

2009-09-24T14:55:00.003+02:00

It is hard to come to understand some things of your surrounding, how people interact and how to play that game: i actually bought the book "the game" to gain some inspiration of how it works, I also bought american psycho to dig deeper into what it´s all about and when I the same night came to a friend he had a book, i dont remember the title on, that calimed that everything we do are drawn, all our actions and our like or dis like, from sexuality. So further on I am drinking my shakes,a t least in the mornings, trying to get food in to my stomach during the day and I will try not to eat any unclean food but it´s hard to put into practice, at the same time I now will extend my splitted personality by dive into literature, and to keep on to try to build my every day life out of the code of loving kindness, it´s not easy i can tell.

For the moment, working in a restaurant is a challenge to apply the code, both considering colleagues and guests and the fact of time schedule for eating and working hours. But I see it as a practice and i know that I only have a few days left here then I am back in town, in my apartment and I can start building routines for real as I am starting a day time job on monday. a new job also means new possibilities.

The funny thing is that it seams like it all wraps up for the moment, this summer has been, without me knowing it a turning point in my life, what started here at Sandhamn in 2003 will also come to its end here at the same place, six years later, autumn 2009. And that feels like a relief on me. Like i actually can let go of a burden that has been holding me down.

The measurements will be posted on monday. During this last rough weeks I have been so glad to have my herbalife shake, even though I haven´t been taking it regular I have taken it and for the last three days I actually start to feel less eager for sugar and sweets, and that´s a good start. I also get some neutrishment in to my body witch helps me from falling into depression.

It is a challenge,

2009-09-11T12:47:00.000+02:00

Ok, I could either feel like a looser, like someone that has failed or I could regard it all as I process that I am preveliged to be in. I am making conscious choices every day for my own benefit. And as everything that is in progress you will have better and worse days as well as decisions. I said to a friend of mine that when the day comes htat I finish up my life style book I am reading I will have this figured out, and then I will make a major decision based on this time of trial and error.

This is just an excuse you might think, and well it might appear so but I can asure you that measurements and that scale Roger, my herbalifecoach has, it is not lying so in the end it will all show.

So where are the big struggle now. I have left the philosophical level for a moment and focus on health in a more basic way, as nutrition, water and sleep. This is the basic, without gas the car wont go forward. The question is what sort of gas I should put in and how firm I have to be in my choices, I know I have been talking about this before but it is harder than what one can think because it demands a change in you every day life; a limit and an opportunity at the same time.

I did quit alcohol, what about change food, that’s where I am now. Most of the time this is a change that has to take place in your brain, your controlcenter.

And in line with my life over all this is where I am trying to master the mind, to decide what program I want to run and how and then take control of it.

It is a challenge,

So yes to confess: I had a burger the other night on the boat on my way out to Sandhamn, and yes I have been eating buns and other un healthy cakes as well as stew based on cream and bread with cheese; not taken my herbal pills for my syomach as I should early in the morning but instead around 11 and eaten after taking my evening herbal pills, stayed up late and also woke up early in the morning. Haven´t been doing any training but I am now on my way for a powerwalk with weights around Sandhamn. I had a shake the other morning at 8.30 but no more food until 1800 which is no good. It is hard being out here knowing you are going to be back in town in a few weeks, where you don’t know how you will solve your economy, and to get a routine. I will therefore have this last week out here to process my decisions and be firm in them in order to implement them. They are to be non affected by outer circumstances as travel or working away from home, but I am not there yet.

You got to start somewhere, or continue ..!

2009-09-08T18:16:00.002+02:00

Week	Chest	Waist	Hip	Thais	Weight
Start 7/9	90	73	92	57
1
2
3
4

27 years old Today !

2009-09-07T01:11:00.001+02:00

I have since I was 16 been 23, up until today. I have been longing for this day cause I have been sure that this will mark a new period in my life. End a chapter and turn the page for another to begin.

Tomorrow, or actually in a few hours the first diary sheet will be posted and with it my present measurements.

I also have to clarify my last post, considering dairy products and meat as well as sugar and other food that doesn’t bring me any less than a short pleasure, I wont erase them from my life but I will lessen them and most important I will consume them with a conscious mind. Like one this is allergic, he or she knows how many complementary pills it takes for every amount of that eaten. The same attitude will I use in these areas. But with alcohol that is, for me not possible at first, hopefully I will reach that point when I can regard it the same way and handle it.

Well,

sweet dreams

Get this party startin´

2009-09-05T20:02:00.002+02:00

A week more or less in bed, svine- flue or not I´ve been out. Automatically you rethink your life situation, as you don’t have so much more to do lying in bed looking at the roof.

I have concluded that dairy products and me are a bad combination, well nothing new as been sensitive for dairy products for a long time, but now I got it clear. A short time of pleasure give a long times pain with a swollen stomach and a state of feeling sick. And yes milk chocolate is made of milk. The same goes for coffee I can have two small cups one in the morning and one in the afternoon after lunch but non in the evening and not more than two totally as it also leaves me with a feeling of throwing up. And then we come to sugar this really is a bad match, a short pleasure and then feeling sick and a burn in my throat which I actually also gets from coffee.

So, as I said this is not new to me but still I do believe that every time another result will take place. Do I fool my self? Don’t know, but I am being irresponsible for my own best when not acting in a way that makes me feel good.

Above, are the easy things. Here comes the rough ones. First meat, not a secret either: I feel some how repulsed when eating it, my stomach swollens up so I look like I am pregnant in 7^th month, and mostly I get that feeling of wanting to throw up. Some meet are better than other considering my stomach; elk, turkey, ribs etc. fish is fine and all seafood.

Secondly, alcohol, this socializing drink that tells us that a special get-together is on. I don’t think that I ever have been a good match with alcohol. But as all other things we are stubborn in the belief that doing the same experiment over and over again with out changing the components will bring different results. Here is something I have learnt: It won´t. Instead it is up to you to change your approach towards it. So I quit.

This results for me in a step towards another life-style.

As I promised before, that got interrupted by me being sick, I will post diary sheets everyday to follow the process, I regard it as an experiment.

During this week of sickness I have boosted myself with herbalife as I haven’t had any energy to cook meals. Rose ox herbal tea and the regular formula 1 and protein powder if formula 3, in that way I am convinced that I have given my body fuel to deal with the cold and the fever and also kept myself from falling into slighter depression, which is common for me when being home and sick.

Next post will be a diary sheet..!

When you know what is right why do you insist on doing wrong ?

2009-08-28T23:41:00.001+02:00

This spring I changed alcohol to herbalife and I actually reduced my daily depression, got regular with my pilates exercises and then came summer and I was working a lot, having fun during Volvooceanrace, midsummer and then Gotland Runt at Sandhamn, two weeks sailing thorug Amsterdam and in Ramsgate, a forbidden harbour three hours outside of London I did it. I could have foreseen it and I also felt it coming after the fourth beer but instead of calling it a night I order another round.

The day before I had made herablife shakes and wrote a long piece in my diary of that it is up to one self to decide what to do with our time. This is a reoccurent theme this summer that when ever something goes well and an insight strikes me I run.

I run, I just watched a movie where a guy bangs a waitress at the bathroom at his best friends funeral. He sais, I wanted to be anywhere else but there, and that might be it. The first phase always brings pleasure in different forms, I meet lovely people, have a nice time and so on . then comes the a less pleasant phase, containing humiliation, overstepped lines and total freakshow, this is where the first one disappears in the shadow of the second and the third the one that awaits and the one that you always tries to push as far ahead as you can; the anxiety, the hatred that dwellvs inside and somehow stays inside.

Also as you all have notices I havnt written for a while, about the same period of time as I have been drinking. Now I am sitting in my sofa with high fever and a pain in my chest taking penicillin for mykoplasma. Have you ever taken a depression test when sititng alone sick at home? Not, try it, I scored very well.

Well, I have also been on a few dates with a lovely guy and I said ot a friend today in the phone that. Why did he have to come in to my life in the most up-side down period where not even I can find the start or the end or understand anything inbetween. He also were with me when I the other day had a panic attack, or so I thought now I do belive that it rather had to do with the mykoplasma as that is fairly common and also shows the same as a panic attack, I realized spending some time at google. He got to see to much reality. My fiend told me with a confused voice; but isn’t that better to meet in the reality? Well in my world NO ! these meetings are what I have tried to avoid.

Well, somehow I think this is connected I m just not sure of in what way yet. What I do know is that routine and mealand sleepwaych are important for me, it do keep me on track. What also keeps my heart warm is all those lovely people who accept and sometimes even likes the real me; and most important do let me be me without giving me feelings of guilt. That is what I call to let someone do their process in their speed and be there.

Well, if you guys find this a bit crazy I can always blame on the fever ; )

Tomorrow I will start up the day with a herbalife shake. I will also update you on my herbalife status as soon as possible. And you might also get an answer on why I, something I actually got noticed on the other day at my data; that I usually speak in third person and he corrected me and told me to say I, might be connected with creating a distance between my self and the scary world, if I do or what I do I will this time not put into words in the sense of I will do this or that, as that usually don’t lead anywhere, but I will post a update at least 3 times a week. Keeping in mind htat there is only one person that can control your thoughts and that is you. That means that it is up to me to define what is right and what is wrong and what do I want ?

Until then,

Ohps I did it again

2009-08-05T17:30:00.003+02:00

A week of party here at the partyisland Sandhamn among old and new friends. Now I m sitting here all dressed up in scarf and pants and a hood when everyone lies by the pool in bikini. My cold that begun during VOR and escalated during the sail to england to be a bit better and return with no mercy.

Yesterday I did all cures I could think about, from citrus to tea and honey with ginger, whiskey and some pills my sister gave me, did vitamin boost with herbalife shake and pills as well as liftoff that brings energy and in combination with roseox cures, or actually, prevents your cold. A bit better but still pretty off. And of course in the middle of all this I started working, I tested to do a waitress shift on monday and yesterday and believe me it was fun but I felt terrible not to be healthy enough to be energic, so back to my sofa, a new movie and make sure I get well again and fit for fight to work tomorrow.

I am back where it all started

2009-07-29T15:31:00.001+02:00

Sailing are being replaced with motor

You could count the start the finish- line of leg nine in VolvoOceanRace, witch was the first time I met Dave, or you could count it two weeks ago when I boarded Artemis the Grand Soleil 43 and waved god bye to my parents and my brother, sailed out from Sandhamn and begun my adventure.

The flight home, to all you at the pub union jack in London where I know you crossed you fingers for my flight home. And you can have a laugh. As they did construction on the subway line I live on I had to go a bit of a back and forth in the undergroundsystem to reach Heathrow, but I finally did and also in time : ) but I could have taken it much more easy as the plane were an hour and a half delayed… more coffee to me. I got home safe though. Came to a lovely dinner at my sisters and then I packed my apartement down. The musical Chicago were on TV and to the tunes of it i stayed up all night taking down pictures and art from the walls, throwing clothes, shoes and bags into paltic bags some to throw away and others to store in the basement or to bring with me to Sandhamn. Or well almost, I had it all in different places on the floor until seven eleven opened and I could ask for huge plasticbags. When my grandpa and his wife came and picked me up at 10 00 I had just ran down with the last stuffs to the basement. They just looked at me, amazed over the collection of things I were to put into their car and bring with me out to Sandhamn, bur we put it all in. oh yes, they did laugh at me when I brought it all on to the boat. I have rented out my apartement, a friend to a friend moved in Monday and I are to be at Sandhamn for three months to clear my mind and maybe find out what next to do in life.

What a day !

2009-07-26T13:53:00.003+02:00

You win some and you loose some, that is the theme of my day in London.

Yesterday me and Benny did the only thing you according to the local people can do in Ramsgate: We got pissed plying pool. Had a beer to lunch and then I don’t really know when we called it a night. I wouldn’t recommend anyone to go to bed drunk on a boat, wake up to early in the morning just to realise that you have to hand over the reeling and throw-up, go back down and gather you stuffs together, get of the boat and try to get a cab, this part fall under good things, a harbour officer were early to work and opened up for me and called me a cab. In that way I got right in time to catch the 0711 train to London Bridge. I sat on the train with my coke and after an hour and a half I realise that this was not the fast train as the man back at the ticket stand at Ramsgate told me, instead it was three-hour train. I couldn’t hold back so I ran in the toilet and like a 14 year old girl I puked, a Friday morning, that was probably good though as people actually felt sorry for me, probably didn’t thought that I looked like someone who got blasted last night. Arriving almost two hors later than planned I started to find my hotel. When I got there I couldn’t check in until three, I knew that but what I didn’t know were that I couldn’t either leave my bags if I don’t pay up 10 pound as a early check-in. I would have if I had had time to shower and get ready but I was in an extreme hurry to get to the Swedish embassy before 1100, time was now 10.30. So I got the reception to call me a cab, while standing on the sidewalk a few guys were arranging the sidewalk tables at the restaurant next door, I asked them if I could leave my bags with them for a few hours, of course he said no problem, I took my computer out and then left it to him to get into the cab. The driver took me to British museum, convinced that the embassy were located behind there, he took a wrong turn and about ten to 1100 he dropped me off, telling me to go around the corner, I paid 10 pounds and got off. I ran around the corner just to realize I couldn’t find it, got in the British museum pretty hysterically I got the man to actually borrow me his phone in order to get in contact with the embassy before the closed for the day. After 15 minutes I did get a hold of the girl at the embassy, explaining my situation and that I am to fly out first thing tomorrow morning and that I therefore really need my passport, telling the driver dropped me off here, she told me I were on the wrong side of town, but that she would arrange so that I could pick up my passport later that day even though the time for passports were between 9-11. I counted 2-2 positive vs. negatives. Said thanks to the man at the museum, started to walk out when a heavy rain got me stranded at a place in the park, thought that I might check out if I can keep any food. I had a plain salad and I could keep it, people around probably thought I had some eating disorder considering how slowly I ate that salad. Asked a guy if I could look at his mp, you can have it he said, sweet then I know where I am and where to go. Ok, had to start to get to a subway and go to marble arch and to collect my passport. She told me to come at precise 1400.

With my passport in my hand I went back to the hotel just to realize that I couldn’t check in still. The room are booked by Paul the owner of the boat I sailed here form Sweden, and to check-in, which they didn’t tell us when we did the booking, you have to answering a control question which is; what address? How should I know, luckily for me though I am a curious person and overlooked when Paul filled in the form, I don’t know the address I just know that it is Kent, I said, and they nodded ok and I got to have the most lovely shower for a long time.

Ok, it already 1700 so I better get going if I am to gain something out of this day, first I had a herbalife proteinbar, my body probably liked that, and I could keep it so I was happy. Harrods next on the schedule. I love to walk around there among designer art of clothes, shoes, accessories and furniture as well as paintings and posters. And of course a doughnut and a coffee. Did some nice shopping at Zara sale, a dress for my friends wedding, thought to myself, next stop Piccadilly and Soho, food time and I know what I want: wagamamma, but first print my boarding pass and check-in online. I stopped at Meriden at Piccadilly and fixed that, check, had a noodles dinner and believe me it felt good to have my first proper meal this day.

Time were now about half ten and I started to get back to the hotel, when at the room I realise that they don’t have any wake-up service and that equals that I wont get up in the morning to be in time for my flight as my phone isn’t charged. I asked at the hotel, no they don’t have a charger or a converter, so I decided to go for a pub walk and finally I found one at the pub cross the street. That equals 3-2 to the good side.

Oh, speaking of tomorrow and how to get to the airport, they do construction at the line that I stay at during his weekend I heard in the speakers today, I realised that I probably should check up how much that affect me tomorrow morning, and so I did and I now know how to do the puzzle tomorrow.

Almost all set, I will just go down to the pub and get my phone, have a nice shower and then lay down on the bed, relax for a while watching telly and eat some chips.

Tomorrow my sailing adventure ends by flying back home to Stockholm. It has been an intense time and as always when I do things there has been a lot to take in I a short time not at least that I have been living in a boat for a week and a half with three guys I hadn’t met before. Felt a bit said to leave in the morning but as every time a good buy is only a start for something new.

Stockholm here I come . . .

England here we come !

2009-07-22T18:01:00.004+02:00

And then we were three on the sinking ship, or as Benny says, on the plastic fantastic

Amsterdam for a day with the boys, well excluding Dave that had to fly home. Manged flower- market, coffee-shop, red-light district, got through a shopping mal and we had beer, walked along the bridges and found our selves in the middle of a Hare Krishna festival at the plaza outside the royal palace.

The plan were to leave at noon, rescheduled due to the rough wind until 15.00, wait for the wind to lower out to southeast wind but it took until around 19.30 before we took the decision to leave, with bearing in mind that if we were taking in too much water than what we could handle we could go in at the WTP and harbour of Rotterdam. We spoke to Paul, the owner of the boat and according to the weather forecast the wind should go around to south east and then we would have a good angle (up-wind) to go across the channel.

It was all but that when we left. This time I geared up properly with boots on from the beginning, went to the toilet and were prepared mentally. Benny steered along the coast of Holland into a beautiful sunset, the whole sky were shifting and as taken form a Disney movie.

We did 6 buckets the first three hours. A rib-tour for three hours then we reached Rotterdam, where it was so busy of ships that you could almost not see the navigation chart, all going in different directions. I thought it more looked like a Tivoli with all the ships bright colourful lights on in the night. As predicted the wind were softening as we went along. I went off first shift at 01.00 then we just made one bucket of water the last hour inside the boat, next time I woke up it the sun were on its way up, and the sea was calm. Benny Told me I could go back to sleep when I popped my head up on deck, he said he would wake us up at 06.00, I didn’t argue. Next time I woke up the jib was up and Giles had turned the engine off. We were actually sailing.

Pancake breakfast in the morning and then change of spinnaker and a herbalife-shake to regain some vitamins after schnitzel and deep fried …. In Germany and Holland. Smooth sailing and when I in the afternoon took up my book to read, Benny interrupted me and said “ there are dolphins “ I looked up and it was : )

By 17.30 we steered into Ramsgate. I am in England.

Giles left us as soon as we were tied up, to go for a race in Sardinia, and then we were two ...

I´m flashing Saturday, July 18, 2009

2009-07-21T21:13:00.004+02:00

I´m boored, said Dave and 19.30 we left the harbour of Van Der Helden, going through two lock and then entering the open water. We were suppose to sail the boat down the coast 30 miles, you could say that we were to test sail the boat, to see where the water we took in the other night came from.

Dave was steering and I was trying to make my self useful, that means to try not to be in the way, not fall or hit my head into something.

We sailed upwind in 8 knots smashing waves in a very confused sea. In the beginning it felt like a cool RIB tour. Dave were steering with a smoke in is mouth and singing as a sailor should. It feels a bit cliché but it makes me feel like it is for real, and I like it, up until about an hour into the sail when I was soaked in water, my head were starting to feel dizzy of all bumping and Benny shouts up on deck to us to empty a bucket he just filled up, then the nice archipelago tour ended. I realised that being on a boat sometimes is like when you were a kid, all up to sleeping in tent. The whole day you prepared and were all excited for it, then as the darkness came upon you the fun of it started to fade. Then you could just leave the garden and go back inside to have hot chocolate and a sandwich with mum but here out at sea things are not quite like that, yeh you could go down in the cabin, but believe me if I would have done that yesterday then I would have been throwing up. This might be a line of where holiday sailing meets adventures sailing.

I thought I had to live the life of the extreme. I have seen all pictures of the crew at V70 boats and they always sit on the rail, hiking, so did I. But neither that were as glamorous as I had in mind, we were hit by a huge wave and I got wet from top to toe, my face got a salty peeling in the mixture of the wind and all the water coming at me. I had by this time put on my lifejacket and tied my self up to the boat so that I wouldn’t fall of. This were a six hour sail and during around the world races they are out day after day and hour after hour, and even if they have three or four sets of wearing they must be wet into the underwear and it must be cold and what about sleeping, how do they do it? And maybe even more of a question, why do they do it?

“I cant understand anyone sailing around the world it’ s like suicide but with torture, Dave said out loud after three hours.

Time for pouring buckets for real, Dave pouring water out, passing it to Benny who lifts it up to me on deck to throw it out It is dark by now and my feets are cold, really cold, it is not fun anymore, Giles steers, I am emptying buckets, my shoulder hurts for lifting the buckets, I am hungry, I am in the middle of my period and I need to change, the water is still coming in to the boat, the waves are smashing. I went down in the cabin, glad that I used Ob so that I didn’t had to use the toilet, it were blocked with the floor boards that we had taken off to be able to pour out the water and also it was hard enough to stand in the boat as it was. I decided to find my self a corner, take of as little of clothes that I had too, make a quick change and go back up again. I thought about it a while but then decided that this could actually work. Dave asked if I really had to go to the bathroom and here comes the none understanding of how it is to be a woman, have I decided to have this problem no, but I have to deal with it, to avoid a unpleasant accident I had to deal with this. I released my self from the securityline, managed to get out of the lifejacket, climbed down and took the jacket off, it was all wet, found myself a corner and… well you don’t wont to here this part so I can just skip forward to the moment of taking the wet clothes back on, going up on deck to the cold. The thought of how do they do it on the around the world races, does the women just do things like this on deck? How about other needs?

In the dark night, the stars were bright and I tried to see the adventure side of it, the power of nature, the… and that’s were my mind slipped to hot chocolate. I got interrupted by Dave who said that there is a wind farm coming up net to us… he was steering and suddenly there were a whole area of red light on our starboard side. “it’s not on the chart, said Giles, who was doing navigation at the same time as he poured water into the bucket. “Your flashing mate, you will blow up ! “ , said Benny. It was my life-jacket that had been soaked and alarmed. A good thing thou we know where you are, they all laughed.

An hour later there are green and red lights, a gate and then we sail into the marina. A huge one, tie up and I so much wanted to find a hot shower to clean off the dirty water, all the salt, it felt like I had a whole package of salt in my hair and a few layers in my face. I got out of my wet clothes, put some socks on, dry clothes and were to tired for even go for a shower. At the same time I were so cold, I figured that a cup of tea might do it. I boiled water and had a tea, crawled into my sleeping bag and pulled by hood- jacket up and did lay down in the sofa.

I didn’t recive a hot chocolate but tea and a warm calm place to sleep, I were safe, the glamorous life of living life at the extream sailing around the world,hmm the scenario wouldn´t end here instead I would just have left my shift to get a wet sleep in a cold boat that bumps and bumps, to be woken up in an hour to move sails form one side to the other as we are about to tack. Daycruiser, that might be something...

We are taking in water

2009-07-17T13:14:00.002+02:00

Left Kiel, the german Rivera wich is a chapter it self not beeing posted on this blog. When I was going on my shift at 03.00 I just went in the front to get a bottle water, outside there were windy and rainded, i just looke dto my right ant the whole front toilette were fille dup of water, I called for Dave and we drained it just to realise that it were water all under the floor in the boat. First theroery were that someone had been sloppy and not turnet the seataps of but that wasnt it. 50 buckets and about 300 litre of water and 2,.5 hours. Dave and Benny went back to sleep, giles up in deck and me I sat down to watch the move Casino, half way in I stepped in lots of water and the procedure started all overa agin, thsi time less water but still about 20- 25 buckets.

a rought night, couldnt sort out where the probelm were, couldnt find the reasion for water keep on comming in, thought it were to be a crack in the keel. As we didnt know how bad it was, and if oit could escalate froma small crack to a huge on on the way to england, and as there were heavy weather expecting on the northern sea a decision were made that we were to go in to Holland and have th baot lifted.

Yesterday night we sailed in to a marine base, after having emptied another 7-8 buckets in smooth weather,at he moment of writing the boat are lifted at teh jachtwerf Den Helder, but we still dont know what caused the water comming in. All we could find were a scratch where the keel meets the boat so that is now fixed with a kind of rubberglue, a temporary action, but how the water coame in we still dont know.

Delivery girl 54°24´N 10°13´E

2009-07-14T10:05:00.006+02:00

Marina of Kiel, one of them, not all look like Sandhamn and Marsstrand, that´s my eralier extension of marinas and yacht-clubs

Three days and three nights at sea, a personal record, just steered in to Laboe, close to Kiel, in the morning sun with a cup of coffee in my hand after a long night. It is a feeling similar to the one when you sit in an airplane on your way to start going in for landing and you start to se the town from the air, you feel excited as you come closer, I got the same felling when hang up the German flag in the wires by the sail. It is tradition that you change flag when entering national water.

We stooped in Kalmar and filled up the boat with fuel, and our selves with McDonalds. I realised that Öland is far longer than I thought. Since turning the at the south of Sweden we have been sailing along the shipping- line up until just before midnight when we crossed the line. It was a beautiful sunset and for the first time I felt the warm, I had just woken up, around 22.30 and was standing in my long sleve and sailor bottoms, barefeet, the luxury cruiser passed one by one and as we sailed pass Fehmarn it brought me to the city and to the amusement- park, they are always lit up in the darkness. That first part of the night it felt as a luxury to bee out at sea, a feeling of freedom and also of excitement for where to stop next, what that will bring, a bit like back-packing, going out in the unknown. Still pretty organized as I know where we are going just not always predictable in what weather or what speed, But I am in good hands.

It is a lot to get used to, to sleep when you are of shift no matter the time a day, to remember to eat and drink water. I have my Herbalife products with me and actually had a shake with orangejuice and my pills to it yesterday afternoon when off watch and started to read the kiterunner. Me and Giles had the night shift from midnight up until now and I can promise you that I was tired around 6 when it still was cold. Around 4.30 we had dinner: heat up food, pretty cool. You open a big bag whereas you pour in a liquid from a smaller bag and then waits for 10 minutes it then heats up the inner bag where in you food is. We had a veggi one and it tasted pretty ok, I say better than freeze- dry food. That you actually have to eat a while before to make you body to adjust to it. For me I am trying to adjust to the life at sea. Both when it comes to lifestyle and to sailing it self. Learning more every day, and this morning I actually could help out to take down the sail, I folded the sail and climed the mast, tied fenders up when were to go in to the Marina. Small things but it feels nice not only to be in the way.

We are staying the night here for Dave and Benny to clear custom and as the Canal is only open between sunrise and sunset so you have to go early in the morning to be able to motor ( you are not allowed to sail) through the 98.5 km long Canal originally built so that the German fleet could move between the Baltic and the North Sea without having to pass through the Kattegatt, opened in 1985. Until then we will go to Kiel for some proper food, a shower and a beer, maybe not in that order thou. Yeah another thing to adapt to; I brushed my teeth first time last afternoon, and have had the same clothes on since Sandhamn doesn’t really make any sense to change. No sleep since yesterday afternoon. I just say as I always have: shy sleep when you can do more fun things, as having a hotwater shower and then go down town Kiel : )

Delivery girl 7/12/09 12:57 A

2009-07-12T14:27:00.007+02:00

7/12/09 12:57 AM; 24 hrs check, my first night on board.

Passing Kalmar, heading towards the very south of Sweden to turn towards Kiel wich will be our first pit stop on the way to South-Hampton.

12.15 Left Sandhamn, waving god buy to my parents, my brother and some fiends of ours, geared up in yellow: oh my I am trendy even at the sea, for you who dint know yellow is the colour of the summer.

Dave Steering out of Sandhamn

10-15 kts wind, Easterly so initially on the beam, hoist full main and delivery jib, good speed, 9 kts

Hi- tech navigation; course and waypoints, WPT, plotting and a visit to the toilet. My hardest quest is to walk at the boat not falling. Leaving Sandhamn behind brought me the same feeling I usually get when getting on an airplane, you know when you sit down at your spot, has stored your bag and you feel that you are at the beginning of an adventure that you don’t know what it has in hand for you, you just know that you like it because it will bring you somewhere.

14.30 Snack time, a great sandwich with cheese and salami on the bread bought at the old fashioned bakery at Sandhamn. Dave told me we’d do 4hrs of 4hrs on. I went for a nap woke up and felt really sick, thought oh no not this. I went for the toilet and throw up, but just a little so I thought some fresh air would do it. Went up on deck and thought shall I take a seasick pill or endure and hope for my body to adjust, I did the later.

20.00 Dinner. Will I be able to keep it were my biggest concern. Ham and cheese pie, and it went well, no veggie here for a while.

22.00 Dave told me I better try to catch some sleep before my night shift with Giles 00.00 to 05.00. A bit scared of how it would turn out I did go down for a sleep and it worked out well even though the sea was a bit busy.

Midnight and I geared up properly to be out in the cold. Still freezing but we had some coffee and chocolate so we did ok. It is interesting how you bend time when out like this. You kind of entering a bubble of logic, everything you do you do for a purpose and by that it becomes so clear. It is relaxing. And Giles and me had a pretty nice night, my mission was to make sure he didn’t fell asleep and did pretty well. A red sky and the moon reflecting in the sea as we sailed along in the night. I thought it funny, or maybe I should say typical me that I first, since I was a kid, sailed the V70 boats in the Volvo, the most prestigious race in the world and that caught me to take the opportunity to sail to England with these guys.

Cornflakes and yogurt for breakfast and coffee of course

09.00 Oh my I slept deep and was a bit morning tired when Dave woke me up. A coffee out the sun fixed it. Change of plan, we are burning too much fuel so re-route to stop at Kalmar to re-fuel.

about to leave Sandhamn

2009-07-11T10:43:00.003+02:00

I have now moved my gypsy bags down to Artemis. The Grand Soleil 43, which means the big sun, the boat that I will sail with to SouthHampton. It Well I did an interview with a guy during VolvoOcenaRace and about a week later he called me and asked what I was up to at the 5th of July! No plan I said as I finish up the radio around the 3rd.

- Do you wanna sail with us to England ? We need a fourth person.

- I have just got my self a sailors jacket and my knowledge of sailing stops at optimist sailing at 10 yrs age. But sure if you want me anyway I am on.

Today, three weeks later I am at Artemis ready to go. We just have to solve a creditcard issue so that we could get our groceries then we are to leave out from Sandhamn, as we should have done an hour ago ...

Will try to update you along the way.

Countdown to my sailingadventure

2009-07-10T12:12:00.002+02:00

Tomorrow morning I leave Sandhamn, just finishing up the last before I leave. The plan were to sail out this morning so I spent last night with some friends first at Alma under an umbrella with a coffee drink listening to the rain, advanced to my house with a movie and just had a early night.

The new plan is to meet up with Dave and the guys at Artemis, the boat, in the afternoon and then talk it through more detailed.

The sun is up and it might even feel like summer today, last week has been more as autumn with coldness and rain. The storms we waited out seams to have passed and my flip-flops are on again.

8 Hours as a crew-member at Ericsson4

2009-07-06T23:06:00.009+02:00

Saturday some how disappeared from posted. So I give it to you in now. It was a day of significance.

The winners of JrCup, Charlie and Emil with Skipper Magnus Olsson and crew

http://www.svensksegling.se/jrcup

I got the chance to sail the vinner-V70 in the Volvo Ocean Race for one day. I can tell that 8 hours did feel like the double if not triple. How do they do it for 40 days and night in rough sea?! I am impressed. And the funny thing is that it took me up until now to really understand the power in these monstrous machines.

About one hour out from where the start for leg 10 in VOR were about a week ago the rain came upon us. As on all these boats all crew member has a number so there were just to chose whoms to use, I lend the jacket of Torben Grail, felt huge in double meaning.

http://www.volvooceanrace.org/

It were a Volvo Ocean Race Clinic which basically means that there are about 4 crew onboard and the rest are others, in this case youths that had won or were given the opportunity to sail these boats. Skipper Magnus Olsson on Ericsson 3 and Brad Jackson at Ericsson 4 guided them and improved their skills and I can tell that these youths took it all in and were a bit shy in the beginning. Form 14 – 17 years old active sailors that one-day hope to be a part of their own VolvoOceanRace.

Kajsa Sundklev loved her position as skipper, during the day the kids were able to try different posts and they all ended up with their favorites.

http://www.ericssonracingteam.com/

Another part of this event were to deliver a pep-talk, to be rule models by telling their own stories of how they from all over the world were hand picked to be a part of this two year race. The importance of being skilled in your profession but as important to be a team player and to have the right attitude.

With Axel Mgdahl as navigator the race- route between Ericcson3 and Ericsson4 were worked out and then for the kids to follow through

They day ended with a sleepover for the kids at Ericsson 3 and for me I had to go back to Sandhamn and the incoming boats in this years Eurocard Gotland Runt where Data com finished as the overall winner.

A full piece of the day at Ericsson4 will be up shortly together with radio pieces from the day and some interviews.

Artemis

2009-07-06T11:49:00.003+02:00

A correction are in place. There seamed to be two Artemis in this years EurocardGolandRunt. I only heard of one and thought it to be the one that I were to sail to England. While the boats were on their way around Gotland I heard the story of the delivery up here; two days without food, no comfortability at all, water all over the boat and no where to sleep as they hadn't finished that up yet. It is a racingboat and that's it, the woman said, her husband had been one of the crew members that delivered the boat.

I have to confess that it seamed strange, as that really demands sailingskills on a high level and mine are on 10 years old or less, so why did anyone come up with the idea to ask me to come along. The answer came later that afternoon when I text to Dave that asked me to join for England, he were at the other Artemis.

24 hours later I stepped onboard at the right Artemis and it felt nice,it is a sailing boat, not small at all but comfortable with beds, a small kitchen tied up next to the main dock outside Seglarhotellet.

I can assure you that it all fell into place. Due to the slowly race of GotlandRunt we changed our date of departure to tuesday or wednesday. Suits me good as I have caught a cold and it could be nice to recover do some laundry and get back on track with my herbalife.

It has for sure been some intense weeks and I could really need to have a day or two to catch up on.

bikini- braodcasting

2009-07-06T11:41:00.002+02:00

The sailors in EurcardGotlandRunt, sat on their boats around southern Gotland, where they are about to turn back up again on the other side of Gotland, they did hope for breeze and so did we here in the studio at Sandhamn. Someone told me that they had measured 36 degrees celsius, I don't know if that is accurate but I sure know that it was hot.

Me and Matilda broadcasting in bikini with a poolbreak every now and then

Where is the wind ?

2009-07-03T17:03:00.003+02:00

Here at Sandhamn we are melting away and the sailors in the race Eurocard Gotland Runt are longing for wind. Usually they are arriving one after the other by now, instead they are just outside of Visby with two additional days to go for most of the boats.

Me, I am now going to take a seat at the dock, have an ice-cream and enjoy music and entertainment at the aftersail. Maybe take a swim at the pool and then prepare for boarding Ericsson tomorrow and sail for the day with the winners of ericsson juniorcup. I will broadcast for Skärgårdsradion, you can listen on the web at

Surprise at Sandhamn

2009-07-01T22:22:00.004+02:00

A well known sail were to be seen around 2100. Ericsson 4 followed by Puma, Ericsson3 and GreenDragon. Two weeks ago I have almost never heard of Vo 70 boats. Today I reported from GotlandRunt and now I have just been on Ericsson4 and done interviews. Nick and the guys form Puma showed up too. Shitty food, too much vodka and bad wind on the way here is what I missed not going to St Petersburg. I have to go and say hello to the crew at GreenDragon. Just told Matilda and Jesse that it is strange; two weeks ago I did a 19 hour race on interviews and editing of the finish of leg 9 here in Sandhamn. It feels like I have been apart of this race for longer than that. But as I have said before time is a tricky thing.

Gotland Runt Start

2009-07-01T14:23:00.009+02:00

I just came back from the start of GotlandRunt outside of Sandhamn.

11.10 The Boats are leaving the dock at Sandhamn towards the startline

God afternoon all lovely people. So here we go again, this blog has turned out to be obsessed with sailing and worse it will be.

The first out of eight starts

Almost no wind, 257 sailboats and in the middle of it all I was out on a RIB. I smiled and waved to the creaw at Artemis, the aussi/ brittish boat that I will board an sail to England on Sunday.

Artemis at the startingline in the class called Grand Opening

Check out the official blog for GotlandRunt

http://www.gotlandruntbloggen.se/blogs/1-ksss-media-club/posts/204-skargardsradion-90-2-vid-startlinjen

Lemurs and Sailing

2009-06-30T23:28:00.004+02:00

England and Ireland Watch out I am on my way just making a stopover at Sandhamn Race week and GotlandRunt for a few days doing some radio and then I am off across the Sea.

Is a bit tired today after a long night with Youtube two cats and a lovely guy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9_5UZtyK10&feature=related

The combination is outstanding Cleese and Lemurs, sometimes it is even who gives me the biggest laugh.

The end of one is the beginning of another

2009-06-28T23:30:00.001+02:00

I have to confess though that there is a empty space in-between that is called reality. When I first got dropped of at my apartment on Thursday I felt totally lonely and life were so sad. Rented a great movie, don’t remember the name but it was a famous photographer that came back after his fathers death to town where he grew up and one thing after the other made him face reality. It is strange how things appears, the movie ended like the butterfly effect with two endings. As then, I liked the none happy ending. I lied in my bed with cheese doodles and chocolate and felt like someone had dragged out the plug and all air went out of me. And as usually this comes with sleepless nights.

Friday and I were to be at my dad´s job to help out during the day, late night Thursday I realized that I had double booked and were suppose to be at my spiritual mentor at 10.00 on top of that I overslept, bought breakfast at seveneleven and missed the train that only goes every 20 minutes due to construction. What a lovely day ! At least it went from terrible to ok. I got served a barbecue at the night by and with some friends. It made me feel less lonely but still I felt like I had lost something. The last two weeks has been so intense and not only that, but I realized that this is what I want to do, and what I am good at. This thought you might think is a good one, and of course it is but it is also scary because it makes me addicted and forces me to focus so that I can finance it. I have not only discovered a lot on the workside of life but also on the private. And as always when this happens it strikes me like lightening from blue sky and a panic attack rises.

It is good if I stay away form alcohol at this time because then I can take the good thing out of it and with a clear mind let it all sink in and then sort out how to proceed. Like on Friday I get fever and feel low, it is my body’s way of saying slow down. So I did but this time in company of friends and family.

If this intense life is how I want to live my life I have to really value the time in-between and by that value what I do with it such as watch a good movie that I really want to see, do some exercise and meet friends and family not because I should but because I want to.

Since the first night I went to Café Opera with the sailors I have kept up the tempo, and I really asked my self, no actually my mentor asked me, could you not have had the same fun if drinking sparkling water? After a while of thinking I said to my self, I would, and probably in the long run even more fun. I do not regret anything but I have now once again confirmed what I already knew: that my body and mind do not play with alcohol. I have not done any exercise and I have been sloppy with my meals, less herbalife and more bread and vegiburgers, late snack and late breakfast, if any. This makes me week and I fall back into depression. The good thing is htat we don’t talk even close to the ranges that I used to drink before. But still it is too much. It do mess with my brain, senses and feelings in a way that don’t generate anything good. For example I have eaten meat and ice-cream even though I know that my stomach really don’t like it. I am not taking care of my self and living in line with my code of loving kindness in this way not towards my self.

Don’t know how many times I have to go through this but they say that you do it until you get it, and apparently it takes a while. The good side is though that I am far from as down as I used to be. I don’t have so many steps to climb to be back in the game again. Before I were down in the dungeon now I have just fallen down a few steps, and I know how to climb them again.

all good things comes to an end

2009-06-25T15:32:00.009+02:00

I were to buy a puma flip-flops and we, me and anna, had to take a last picture by the boat GreenDragon

Me, Anna ( a lovely crazy irish girl) and Sara physio for the team GreenDragon, here at Tivoli GrönaLund

THe nigth ended at Café Opera just for me to get up again in the morning to do the last interviews with the skippers before they were leaving the dock for the last leg towards St Petersburg.

Me 07.30 this morning going out live at RadioVolvoOceanRace and Skärgårdsradion with Loogna in the studio.

"It feels nice that Ericsson leaves by the first, it means that they haven't done so good, Ken Reed says to me in the morning with a big smile on his lips. Its only because i like him so much we keep this in he says. Mange, the skipper at Ericsosn 3 hope to win this leg, then he has won the longest and the shortest leg and "then you are the best", he tells me just before they leave out.

Puma left as the second last boat to the Drop Kick Myrphys adn Shipping out to Boston.

It felt said when they played one teamsong after the other, i had a quick comment from the skippers and then they headed out towards the startingline outside of Sandhamn. I soooo want to go to St Petersburg but its not possible, checked up the tickets but they were to expensive. Well I have to be glad for these lovely days. I have learnt a lot and got a few more days planned with Skargardsradion and the Gotland Runt before I will have a holiday and after that I think that my head will be much clearer and that I will know what to do. I once again have to say that i love to Backpack every day.

Puma by the starting- line outside of Sandhamn where they entered as winner of leg 9 a few days ago. I

t feels like yesterday and at the same time as it were a month ago that I first met these boats and the people around them. It has been some intensive days; lot's of job, met a bunch of people, had a blast and been hooked on sailing.

Last day at Skeppsbron

2009-06-24T16:41:00.002+02:00

Tomorrow it´s Sandhamn and the last start in VolvoOceanRace, but before that Eric Gadd tonight and a beer in the warm summer weather, but first a quick stop by at my doctor to do something about my back.

Just when writing this I saw smoke rise from where the boats are. A orange smoke and a terrible smell filled the air. My colleague Jonas told me that it was the Russian team that fired an flare, it is a part of the personal offshore survival course that all crew- members has to complete so they did before the last leg towards St Petersburg. It is said that the crew mainly are the wet team/shoreteam that are sailing for the final finish in a few days. The King were having dinner just inside the boat anchored close by. A lot that happens here at Skeppsbron.

just keeping on

2009-06-24T01:15:00.006+02:00

Finished up the whole day of in-port race with doing interviews with the skippers of Eriksson and the winner TelefonicaBlue live out at the RaceVillage, felt cool. As my shoes were wet since the boat-ride I put on my Rubber-boots and they did success at the Café opera later in the night after a few beers at the Puma barge with the GreenDragon guys. Think I looked so strange that people thought I had to be famous in order to wear flowerish rubber-boots, shorts and a Ericsson sailor jacket at the night club.

More Radio, and more interviews with the worlds top sailors, went back in my restaurant career and back to selling candy, coffee and swipe tables. Done radio in the mornings but I can't do it anymore, I can't be torn apart as it doesn' t make me do anything fully and i want to deliver everything I do with a professionalism. And most of all I have to withdraw the thought of a boyfriend or even a flirt it just makes me loose focus. Or i try to hide behind it, the easy life of having a blast. Tries to take my herbalife but it doesn't work so god for the moment, as soon as I step into the restaurant life I have a drink to much, eat more sugar and less food, feel uncomfortable with haveing working clothes on and looses focus. It just aint worth it! On top of that I have a cold that takes my energy and it is wrong time in the month. And I also think that I have to sort among people around me, What does everyone wan't ?! What do I want?!

In a movie I watched the other night about a pokerplayer, Lucky You, where his father told him that "You live your life as you should play your cards and play your cards as you should live your life" play safe at the table and dare to take risks in your real life. In the same film they also said that everyone are trying to not feel alone, I think that has to do with the feeling of being a part of something bigger and that in turn are related to feel that your excistence has a meaning, that your life does. We all just have different ways of filling the gap, searching for a strategy to do so or for someone. Is it filling we need or is it acceptance of the black whole or is it that we actually are to find our task, our specific mission in this lifetime and then we feel complete or is it so that we wont feel complete until we decide to do so.

Team Russia is in Stockholm and might start for the last leg to St Petersburg.

Tomorrow I will get up around 8 and have a slow morning, with coffee and read the paper. Then hopefully plan my last day with VolvoOceanRace, the start from Sandhamn, maybe do some liveradio from the village about the preparations. Maybe sort out the Russian situation, are they allowed to re-enter the challenge again or not. There is a party tomorrow night might join that and also heard that there is another party for all involved in the VolvoOeanRace Stopover on thursday. We´ll se, one step at the time. Tomorrow hopefully no Restaurant and some Radio, arrangements and some socializing. But I have learnt that you can plan but you will never know what happens or who to show up etc...

Telefonica blue winner

2009-06-21T16:22:00.006+02:00

Telefonica Blue in action

Another day at sea. Got my Herbalife in the morning and a proteinbar on the boat. just before the start of the in-port race at kanholmsfjärden outside Stockholm. 07.30 in the morning the V70 boats left Skeppsbron and 1300 the start signal, a gun shot, went of and the boats worked their way at the line, in order to capture the best position, a very important part in this short but points-loaded race.

The fleet at kanholmsfjärden

I was a bit said that I couldn't be on one of the boats during the race, I really enjoyed it when I were a crew-member at GreenDragon. But it is ok to sit next to them as well, to watch the whole fleet come up and around the posts in a speed of 17 knots, to watch their huge sails up and to see them in action to tack in competition is amazing.

Telefonica blue win the second race and by that the overall of the competition. They are now in position to catch the cat but then Ken Reed on Puma need to be unfortunate and the winds have to blow in Telefonica blues direction.

At the finish- line

Team russia are back in the competition for the last leg, and I want to go to St Petersburg.

Puma won first in-port race

2009-06-21T13:50:00.002+02:00

In-port race Stockholm

2009-06-21T10:36:00.003+02:00

It is not over until it is over. It has been a fight for the top three and it's on again as Telefonica Blue passed Skanskobb outside of Sandhamn on midsummer, two days ago which gave them 2 points, with the a container of tools from Ericsson and 24 hours work, the boat did leave the dock at Skeppsbron this morning 07.30 local time and are now on their way to the starting- line.

Telefonica Blue has a good record of the in-port race and are good sailors on the light winds over Östersjön. If Puma finish sixth place and the same on the race to St Petersburg. It might not be likely as Puma has improved the last legs. But still it will deliver a excited afternoon.

The race will be sailed at an america's cup race course with two marks, instead of three that is the regular on a olympic course. todays race course are built up as tackleg followed by a downwind, tack and a last downwind towards the finish line.

I am just leaving RaceVillage and Stockholm behind on a boat with photographers from Spain, france and a film team from Brasil.

Preparations at Skeppsbron

2009-06-20T18:15:00.006+02:00

Micke is preparing the technique for tomorrow

Club Loveboat are to take over Skeppsbron with 80´s

Race village was a bit hangover this morning since midsummer- party yesterday but that doesn't bring down either the tempo nor the feeling. The dagger- board of Ericsson3 was to be placed, after "cleaned" when I was at the deck, and Telefonica blue are back in the water after reparations.

I did clean up my self too this morning. There has been some hectic days since the too early finish at Sandhamn. Intense and filled with adrenaline, wonderful people and a lot of job. I still keep up my back-packing theme in life, and a huge thing with that is to take every moment as it comes in good and bad and also to meet and until next time you bump into each other, because I have realized that some people just don´t leave you in a good sense. And that is what life is about.

Today all people at the shore, the so called wet team, are preparing the boats for tomorrows in-port race. I'll be there and I will post up-dates every five minute here at my blog. So if you can´t be there I will try to give the feeling of beeing there both at my blog and by reports at the RadioVolvoOceanRace 91.9

Midsummer at Sandhamn

2009-06-19T14:20:00.009+02:00

Got a ride out to Sandhamn with a friend so I thought why not stop by and have traditional midsummer lunch with my parents; potatoes, herring, bread, cheese and beer. It was a lovely ride out on the motorboat and a tasteful lunch.

While sitting on the deck, I saw Telefonica blue pass by. That means that they have finished leg 9 and are back in the competition.

Herbalife Monthly check

2009-06-18T17:48:00.003+02:00

Oh my, this wont be good results, I said to Roger when he un-packing the scale that will in a few seconds generate the results of this third month. I have had, as you have seen, a pretty full schedule. This was on sunday bit I haven´t been able to post it until now.

I took my socks of, stepped up on the scale and grabbed the handles that actually are the ones that send the information. I was waiting for a disappointed expression on Rogers face but instead he seamed to escalate a smile. He wrote down an eight and did a circle around it and said.

- Do you see this?

Yeh I did, but I didn´t know what it meant. An 8 is what you put up as your goal, to reach the results of thin and muscular, that is what an 8 stands for.

- I can only congratulate, you have reached you goal in 3 months.

I´m now 12 years old from 23 to 12 in three months
I´ve lower my bodyfat 5.5 % 26.4-19.4
lost weight from 68.6- 63.8
My upper-body has the most significant result from 25.3 to 22.7 last month to 17 today

This shit works !

I am a crewmember at Greendragon

2009-06-17T20:41:00.007+02:00

Ericsson was the first boat to leave Sandhamn in the morning and the first to sail into Stockholm at today’s' city sprint in the VolvoOceanRace.

I got a position at the main grind at the Green Dragon. It was a challenging job but wonderful in many ways. Jus tot be on a monster of speed as these boats are, it gives you a rush and to be a part of maneuvering makes the adrenaline to pump through you veins.

To go through the archipelago where I usually sail, goes by motorboat or ferry and now on a v70, what a morning.

While at the Stockholm harbor and the race village there were a huge crowd greeting the boats coming in and when all of them were tied up a ceremony were held at the stage and then they the crew went off for a royal barbecue.

breakfast on the maindock with ericsson crew

2009-06-16T07:14:00.006+02:00

Me and another girl, mediacrew at ericsson, were the last ones left at the media center by 4 in the morning. We realized that we were to wait for another four hours to have breakfast and just the thought made me even more hungry. We decided to go to the hotel and try to get some bread. When we arrived at the dock there were a few staff from ericsosn standing next to the teamboats.

As you can see we managed pretty well, the night manager at Seglarhotellet served us a delicious breakfast, that we enjoyed in the sunrise.

Soon beginning my 19th hour

2009-06-16T03:52:00.006+02:00

I made my self sponsored earlier today, when I realized that I will both look silly in my city jacket and I will be freezing. I was right, this jacket kept me warm and everyone on the dock regarded me as one of the Ericsson staff wich was good because then I could stay at their restricted area when others from media could not.

First, it was amazing to be close up with the V70 boats on their match race into Sandhamn. And what a thrilling race it was, puma in the lead, Ericsson3 catching up and then a problem with their sail occured and Puma caught the lead again, to finally win the leg.

When Ericsson3 entered second they were celebrated as much as Puma and Ericsson4 were maby even more interesting around media as they by their third place won the whole VolvoOceanRace.

second, here I sit on a bench without any food, waiting for the breakfast to start to be served at the hotel, because now I am really hungry and there is no way to get any food until then, that´s the glamorous life of a journalist.

Lucky me I did remember to bring 2 herbalife power bars, one I had on the boat out here around 19 and the other around 01. 30. Without them I would be taking bites of the table by now.

on the press-boat towards Sandhamn

2009-06-15T18:12:00.001+02:00

The v.70 boats had been sailing with a high speed of 17-20. They were waited by tomorrow morning but will be at Sandhamn, the finish of leg 9. The sun is rising and I am prepared for some cold hours at sea. Well, more prepared that I usually am. Me and Micke are having a bear and if I should say something about my back-packer theme this is it. A bear and on my way to adventure. Been out all day live broadcasting, the junior (sailing)cup and talked to the Ericsson race team shore mangers, those in the so called wet-team, that repair the boats during the stop over. A full day and still it aint over.

rubberboots and coffee

2009-06-14T09:57:00.003+02:00

Almost 1000. I am to be at Puma barge in a few minutes. The racevillage are to open and I am having a coffee at the staff dining. What would life be without coffee, that is another factor that keeps life on track. It is going to be a long day. First at Puma and then broadcast radio. Well better get started. For now it is me and the whole security staff sitting here for coffee, so better get this day kicking.

I love my new flowery rubber boots. They are going to make my day. i post a photo later on.

McDonalds clears my head !

2009-06-13T22:39:00.003+02:00

The head are about to explode, your body-temperature rises and you feel dizzy. You sit on the subway, the time is around 22, youths, bear and bottles, mobilephones playing out loud and you try to turn up the volume on your Ipod. One voice are received as a 1000 in your head. The whole world are spinning and you don’t know what to hold on to, neither what or who to reach out. There is a feeling of panic as you find yourself in a confused position.

At the stir-cases up to central station I felt an eager for Mc Donalds, when sitting there with my cheeseburger small fries and a coke I felt a common feeling. Whenever I´ve been out traveling and reach that point when you feel totally empty, or overloaded, and don’t know anything, then I always goes to a western place like Mc Donalds it calms me down and comforts me. I know that it might sound strange and I have never put it together until now when I did it again, but this time at home. To me it is amusing. Maybe it stands for regularity, continuality and I know what I am going to get.

Have to go for a meeting, then home take a bath and make some decisions, before I finish up some radio editing.

I don’t know if it is worth to dig deeper into the panic attacks or if it is just this that is the solution, to find a way to handle it. What surprises me is that it comes up now, ok I have tricky decisions to make, but I took a day off yesterday, chilled out at home until 19.15 when I went down to sickla shopping and bought supplies of make-up and some clothes then I cleared groceries (my status was one milk and a few berried in tee refrigerator) and bicycled home, had a shake and cleaned up my apartment watched an episode of Sopranos and fell asleep.

Cant get a hold of the logic.

Well, either way I have to go for my meeting

The last day of preparations

2009-06-13T18:03:00.009+02:00

My friend Teresa stopped by and I took her on a tour around the construction area, showing her where I will spend my time. Above is the Puma barge, a pretty cool construction but they had a late delivery and are a bit behind.

- It takes you back to the houses in Tokyo that are built on water, said Teresa. I wouldn´t mind living like this. On the shore in the heart of the City. This is where the Puma dry team, those who deal with visitors, are to be located.

The Wet team, that are responsible for the boat, are located on the other side

of the area closer to the bridge towards Slussen. This is the depot for the V70s´and today its full action, in containers like the one on the picture there are tools of different kind to repair the boats and make sure that there demands are being fulfilled and the boat are in great shape for the last leg towards St Petersburg in Russia.

Before the day ended and we were soaked in rain Loogna did his first action report live at RadioVolvoOceanR

ace, and it worked !

Now I have to edit some radio reports and then it all starts at 1000 tomorrow morning. 50 thousand visitors a day is expected. It is going to be a party!

Rain and Rain and Ra.....

2009-06-13T15:20:00.006+02:00

Sitting in the container from where we will broadcast RadioVolvoOceanRace 91.9 listen on the web at http://www.skargardsradion.se/.

It´s raining cats and dogs outside and I can tell that it is freezing. Teresa just arrived in summer-clothes and Matilda under a yellow umbrella. We are going for a coffee to warm up and then to the Puma- barge where I will be working when not being on the radio

A day off

2009-06-12T17:25:00.001+02:00

Watching the first episode of The Sopranos, makes me think about panic attacks and their character. It seams to be so many factors within and the interesting thing is that they all bring out the same result.

Today I am back in my own apartment, and believe it or not but the heat is on, I am not living in an igloo anymore. My posts in the stairway did make a difference. And that once again proof that if you want to bring about a change it always starts with your actions. It is comforting, because the power then is within you and your life is then not dependent on others to take action. Not at this stage, then of course it all is combined and one action taken by others might affect you but it is always you that decides how to deal with that. At the same time this can make you feel pressured and give you the thoughts that you are suppose to be perfect because you can. If we talk abut friends this might include to try to be there for everyone all the time: as a mother to both work and have quality time; in school that you have to be a top- student and at the same time popular among both girls and boys; when in profession you might know what you should do but you just cant because it seams like you already should have done it, that the train has left the platform. This is dangerous thoughts because they bring you down, instead you should start form where you are, leave the past and decide what you want to do, then make sure you work in that direction. Here is a word that I have hard to take in; you got to have faith in the process. Is that to believe in or be convinced that you are doing right? And what is right we are back to the pressure of being perfect. What is perfect? Well once again there is only one person that have the answer and that is you. Once again we are standing or sitting there with our selves. It s a vicious circle and if we don’t get a hold of it then it keeps on spinning found us and we find our selves in the middle; dizzy, confused, scared and even maybe trapped, it awokens a feeling of panic.

The WetTeam

2009-06-11T15:49:00.015+02:00

Thord Lydstrand, logistic manager tells me about the wet-team

By the dockside the barges are lining up. A huge crane are lifting a container in massive chains. A man directs the truck driver and when the container is in place I manage to catch him to ask what they are doing.

- We are building the depot for Ericsson and Telefonica Blue and Black on two big barges, this because it all shall to be close for audience to follow what´s going on, says Thord Lydstrand.

StockholmStopover is a challenges for the logistic managers when the usually lifts for the boats are not allowed due to its location in old town, it can´t handle the weight.

If you ever been to, or watch a GrandPrix race you know how important the depot are for the crew in the race. Thord is logistic manager and it is his responsibility that all containers traveling worldwide are ending up on the right place at the right time.

- The people you see here is crew of the wet team. We are taking care of the boats while the dry team are meeting visitors face to face at the pavilions.

The man in the truck yells for Thord and one guy in Eriksson- clothes, sort of wetsuit, comes up to us from the barge. Time to direct container lifts.

http://www.ireport.com/docs/DOC-269608

Live broadcasting and Business cards

2009-06-11T11:36:00.001+02:00

Last week I gave this thing of transforming into a role a lot of thoughts. Today I realized that there is only one thing that does it. And that is, to borrow a quota from a famous movie “ Wax on Wax off”. Three days of 12 hours radio broadcasting and around 10 reports from the construction area at Skeppsbron, including interviews, has made me into a reporter.

In the early morning when broadcasting live at the studio, giving the listeners the results of the 8^th leg in the race, Ericsson 4 finished first at 04.25 closed follow by Puma and GreenDragon. This gave Eriksson a third win and they are in the overall lead. On Sunday they sail towards Sandhamn and then awaits in-port race to Stockholm. Well, that was a sidetrack. Back to the studio where I were on my way to leave when a deliver came for me. I know this will sound silly but when opening the box and watched my very own business cards in black and white; whit my name on, titled as journalist, my mail and blog- address , a feeling most properly described as a rush through my body appeared. Now it is for real. It was two-sided, on one hand I felt happiness, a relief that I am on the right track and on the other hand I got scared it felt huge. I know that it actually is the smallest thing in the world, a natural thing and that I could, in theory, have done these even before I was a journalist but for me it is a sign post.

Fort Knox

2009-06-10T16:56:00.007+02:00

I entered fortknox ... it is a controlled chaos at Skeppsbron where the construction of what to become the VolvoOceanRace Stopover in a few days. All seven V70 boats in the competition has their own VIP building, because these are no tents but two floor of show off. Overall its is very virtual, with high-technology equipment and huge screens that brings live broadcasting from the race.

These VIP lounges is kind of the champagne version of the depot. 9 days is what the teams get to put them together, from containers to be up running. I met Martin who has been to all stopovers building for Ericsson.

- We are an international crew where every one have their speciality and then we work together at the spot, he says.
- There are two set of the same construction, otherwise the transport wouldn't manage, says Martin. There are also two teams. One crew that put it together and one to torn it apart and there are not a 9-5 job, here there is action from sun rise to sun set, says Martin.

goooooood morning sunshine

2009-06-10T08:14:00.006+02:00

Yippiiiii ! A good nights sleep. Woke up and could step out of bed in underwear and bare feet what a happiness.

Guitarr hero in the morning, who said that you actually need a guitar ?

Action in the studio. Broadcasting at skärgårdsradion, fixing the microphones for me and Ted for todays 12 hour race, oh yeah, the V70 boats are outside Denmark, soon to reach Marstrand. Yesterday I tried to get into VOR area at Skeppsbron it felt like trying to enter Fortknox, after a few phonecalls I have a pass and a date with the security staff.

I´ll be back with a report from a rainy construction area during the afternoon.

The escape

2009-06-09T23:45:00.005+02:00

Oh my, it is a day of breaking records. 12 hours of broadcasting radio and when finally home it was freezing as in a cold wind meet you when you open the door. I´m convinced that the stairway is warmer. I had posted notes by the entrance and as I thought they were gone. My neighbor told me that the landlord were here today and that she did not turn on the heat but instead pulled away my notes from the board. And as my brother asked, "is it micaela cold which he mean that I do freeze most of the time, or is it cold. I can tell that it is cold; about 14 degrees said my neighbor excluded the wind, he put on three hoods and are still cold. I heard from him that the guy next door to him and them above have installed forms of electric heaters.

I think that my back-packing feeling got a bit overwhelming, I had enough and fled to my parents place. It is such a relief to be sitting in the bed in a top and underwear and writing, not to be tense in my whole body.

Didn´t hold the good spirit from the morning when it comes to "meal and sleep watch". or dependent on how you count I did have lunch but it was a pie. Had dinner I should, planned to grab a shake but I had forgotten to buy a juice to mix it down in, time flew and I ended up having a pizza. Good thing is though that I didn´t skip food, maybe learnt once more that I have to bring my juice from home in order to make sure that I got it, is in bed now and are almost managing the bed time.

Well, time to enjoy a good nights sleep.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away...

2009-06-09T12:39:00.011+02:00

... and I add Herbalife Thermocomplete so that has to be ultra good. It can be needed in my Igloo and fully booked days. For the moment busy at the radio soon I will add my job at Puma lounge during the stopover at Skeppsbron, but this time in rush hours, compared to before I will really try to have my "meal and sleep watch" activated even in stressful times, as it actually is even more important to keep up with the schedule at these times not to loose energy.

Herbalife Thermocomplete is specially formulated to help you overcome the common challenges associated with dieting, and to give you a tremendous lift! Even the most dedicated person following the ideal weight management program can struggle to get through the day without giving in to food cravings and hunger pangs. It supports your bodies energy levels with a vitality boost and helps improve your concentration and mental performance.

This product's formulation of Natural Caffeine, Yerba-Mate, Cocoa Powder, Green Tea Extract and a special blend of Herbs is for you if you suffer from frequent tiredness and need an energy boost. If you feel your diet is lacking in essential nutrients or if you need something to help you stop picking at food between meals.

I will up-date you if I do think it gives any effect. Read more at

http://www.herb alifeww.com/se/products_wm2_00 50.shtml

Live Broadcasting RadioVOR 91.9

2009-06-09T08:39:00.002+02:00

Early morning, not my cup of tea but once up and in action it actually feels pretty good. Camilla just arrived with a breakfast sandwich to me, lovely, and Roger I had my shake in the morning so this will be regarded as snack ; ), feels nice to have a hunger again.

I´m on air with ted at 91.9 with Pre sale to VolvoOceanRace Stockholm stopover. There might be a risk that this is addictive ...

Maryland cookies and coffee do not cure morning- depression

2009-06-09T00:11:00.008+02:00

Woke up to late, again. Couldn’t get a hold of the day at first but I did catch up. After an hour of discussion with my self I finally went to the kitchen and made myself a shake. And as before, it did, in combination with my Herbalife pills of multi-vitamin, omega3 and an herbal pill and of course rose ox to cure my cold. I also had a chat with my coach Roger and he told me to double the omega3 and so I did. I managed my blog and spoke to Ted at the radio giving me an up-dated on the phone: we are going live tomorrow morning at RadioVolvoOceanRace.

Went jogging around five and passed the store on my way home picking up some low-lactose yogurt, firm in my decision to lower dairy products. Ok, I know the cookies are not in line with that but I decided to take it more seriously from now on because it really don’t do me good. Bought a flower to on my way home and then made some dinner, order business cards on the internet. Said to be free but I ended up paying 434 crowns… don’t really know how that happened (maybe because I had to pay an additional 235 crows to get them within 3 days instead of 14 days).

Ted came over and we started planning the broadcast up until the stopover begins. That is on Sunday. It will be fun, high lights from the race reports, up dates on the preparation and creation of race village at Skeppsbron and a lot more.

Late evening preparations in the Igloo (my freezing apartment) for tomorrows broadcasting, the first one live ever at the official Stockholm Stopover radio station 91.9 tune in from 07.00 tomorrow morning.

We created our own virtual V70 boat that for the moment sails towards Marstrand. Present ranking is 215613,

Online now	20205
Online last 24 hours	69531
Registered players	216525
Groups	5963

Check it out it is fun !

http://www.volvooceanracegame.org/home.php

When looking for another note I found my schedule. And to be true I haven’t been that bad, it is jus that I have shifted the hours around. As for today I slept on my first working shift, managed my blog and ordered business cards on the second and planned RadioVOR on the third. Had a shake and dinner. Well I left out a meal and 2 snacks… you can’t get them all. I do like my new life style; I like to at least have a schedule to strive to follow even though it is so much easier to put together a schedule than to keep up with it.

Time for ice princess to go to bed.

Listen on RadioVolvoOceanRace 91.9 tomorrow morning I be there from 07.00

and find more information at http://www.oceanracestockholm.se/nyheter/visa/stockholm-stopover-far-egen-radio

Sthlm in sunset

2009-06-08T01:54:00.003+02:00

Five hours in the studio, on out way home in the car this amazing view appeared and I did as I would have done as a backpacker. Stopped the car, went out and had a photo. Strange but a small thing like that do make me feel alive.

My apartment is still an igloo and when letting my landlord know I got the answer that I should put on some more cloths and that is only heating season up until may 15. How do you argue that !

It is sunday and as you notice I have turned the hours around, not done any exercise since monday and have not been following my "skalman-model". My stomach is a bit upset and my but in general do not play with the cold. I haven´t got a hold of the day, something i might need to try to take control of again, but it is this way when it is not clear what is going to be with what. I will try to regain some control of it though. I also hope for some warmer weather but I can't let that rule me, so tomorrow I will go swimming then I can have a hot sauna afterwards and that would be nice. Now awaits a cold bed ...

Pep-talk

2009-06-07T20:36:00.004+02:00

Hi Micaela,
Will be sending you some great success stories every week so you may keep your motivation up because they have all been doing the same as you are going to do http://www.startherbalife.com/ecm/success/success.jsp?category=weight_mgmt&pageId=1147217715455:en_US

HugsRoger

Live broadcasting : )

2009-06-07T20:11:00.008+02:00

Ok, I have to confess, I was a bit nerveus before going out live, but once I got a hold of it I really enjoy it. Me and Ted a sunday evening. I totally burried my self in information of baloons. Had no idea that it was tat big of an industry. Weddingcouples in baloons, well I dont know but check it out, it is pretty amazing. I especially like the baloon magic.
http://www.conwinonline.com/design_projects/lm_bride_groom.asp

Calle Söderberg at Promarina was my guest in the show "Min Skärgård". Yesterday they opened the guest marina below the royal castle that will be there throughout the Volvo Ocean Race Stopover.http://www.volvooceanrace.org/

http://www.oceanracestockholm.se/stockholm-stopover/

And Yes grandpa, I have given my vote in the European election, check !

National day celebration

2009-06-06T23:49:00.009+02:00

25 000 Balloons were released at Skeppsbron. To see more go to http://www.kultur.stockholm.se/default.asp?id=22733

This is the area now in construction for Volvo Ocena Race Stopover the 14th-26th. Of course me and Ted did some reports, you can hear them tomorrow when we go live at 18.00 in Skärgårdsradion 90.2 http://skargardsradion.se/

Carolina met up and we had a nice view of stockholm from the boat. It was cold though, around 9 degrees. Not a summer weather but today I were prepared.

On our way from the studio suddenly we couldn' t get any further with the car. They had blocked one way at Strandvägen due to a royal cortege from the castle towards Skansen. People actually left their cars and went out to see what was going on, that is how still we stood.

Back in my Igloo, have to do something about it tomorrow now it really is freezing.

BTW Sweden lost in soccer to Denmark... well it was fair but not pleasant to watch and probably a bit of a partykiller.

Has my bedroom transformed into a tent ?!

2009-06-06T11:46:00.003+02:00

Woke up and felt the cold outside my cover. My body was worm but my face were cold and he eyes too, like when you are sleeping in a tent and wake up in the morning. It is cold around you and all you want is a hot shower. Fortunately I could have one and I can tell that it made me a new person. You really start to appreciate things usually taken for granted.

Now I am at the studio where we try to get the Radio Volvo Ocean Race to be up running properly. Me, Ted and Micke supporting on the phone. Soon we will get down to the construction area by Skeppsholmen where the Swedish national day celebration, among other places, are held. I ´ll be back with some more pic's and reports from there.

Late report from the igloo

2009-06-05T23:22:00.005+02:00

Good news! (Always start with the good ones I have learn)

I found a glass where my blender is able to reach all down to the bottom; great. 15 Swedish crowns each at Lagerhous and less dish to do for me.

I love my bed, speeker and computer and the movie, body of lies, was just what I wanted to see; dealt with the subject of trust and decisions and consequences.

Over to the bad news

It is still extremely cold. Cap on tonight. Well to turn it in to something positive they say that you sleep better if cold in your bedroom so I can look forward to sleep like a princess tonight, I do doubt that they wear hood and cap

I’m a chicken

2009-06-05T19:54:00.004+02:00

… Or at least I have been. When I said yesterday that I missed to have someone to talk things trough with or else I should do meditation, then I might have taken it to the extremes. What I didn’t thought about, and that I have never considered (how strange it might seam) being an alternative solution is to talk to the person that are messing with my head. No matter if it is work or your private life. A former colleague once said by the coffee machine where a lot of the worlds biggest mysteries I think have been solved here, anyway this day he said that I had a great schedule ( working part time) hrmpf well for now but not considering the paycheck. He then said:

- Do you know what answer you should give on that

- . No, apparently not, I said a bit confused

- You should say that, one makes its own day.

I didn’t like the answer back then, but probably because I did escape from everyone, everything and that including myself.

Today I did something I think I never done before. I dared to send that sms that you don’t want to come back with the wrong answer. I told him how I felt and that I didn’t want it to be this way. This is a guy that I was dating a few months ago. I got an sms and a phone call and the situation is cleared.

And now back to where I started. This is how one should deal with life. Talk to the person that your mind and probably in this case also your heart won’t let go, and not talk to everyone else, make theories based on other persons or situations that just bring you further away form the core. The same goes for your work. I met my old bosses and got my self job during Volvo Ocean Race, I then had to get an answer on what days I was going to have paid job for Skärgårdsradion in order to put together a schedule for the whole period of time. And I got my answer, now have a schedule and today I realized why I am bored of listening to people whining on and on about their husbands, children, their boss, parents or who ever they now have complains about; deal with the situation. This do however assume that you know what you want. So if you don’t take time to figure it out…

Now I´m going to put on another hood-jacket and my cozy “socks” and move my Mac into the bed have a herbalife shake and watch either La Zona or Body of lies that I just rented. Oh yeh my cap is on to, I can tell you that it is about 6 degrees outside and windy and I doubt that I have more than marginally that inside my apartment, I can feel the wind and the water was kind of a mix of yellow and orange… yes I do live in Stockholm in Sweden, but I do wonder sometimes !

Ps. it is a relief to realize that is is ME who makes MY decision and it is me who take the consequences for them. I have to say it again because it amazes me that I haven't thought about it before. I have done it before but not consciously, besides when out traveling, and the only reason for that is that I haven´t had any other ways to do it than to deal with situations and people along the road and with that make decisions of whom to trust based on my own mind. And most important to trust in your self.

Sleeeeeeepy

2009-06-05T09:41:00.002+02:00

Woke up 8.15, suppose to be at work 8.30 concluded it impossible and decided to try to be there at 9.30 instead. It actually don't mean anything else than I have to stay another hour in the afternoon but still. Didn´t woke up by the alarm. A short shower, some clothes on and a quick makeup later I was at the subway. No morning shake today, just didn´t had time for that, and for the moment that is a bit of a project as I don´t have any good glass that I can mix in so I have to use a bowl and then pour it over to a glass, not an ultimate solution. Stopped by at the Sodexo restaurant and grabbed a sandwich and had a coffee here at the office, now I have loaded Peo Enquist and I am ready to start the day. I was standing in my room in the dark, just arrived and hadn´t turned on the lights yet. One man stopped by and asked if it was such a day today, no I answered. Strange it feels like I would be hangover; sensitive to light, a bit extra irritated and I don't like people at all.

An evening with myself

2009-06-04T22:11:00.006+02:00

Recorded with Calle Söderberg, at Promarina, in the studio and on the way home we stopped by at the construction area of Skeppsbron 14th -25th of June . On Saturday, national day, there will be a pre-opening of the "race village" for the moment in construction for the Volvo Ocean Race Stopover. In a constant rain and in 6 degrees celsius we checked it out.

The 85 meter long scene bring my thoughts to the Opera house in Australia. Placed on the water with the royal castle in the background this will be an event to remember.

This is where I probably will be most of the time when not out broadcasting for Skärgårdsradion: at the Puma lounge. Today I got it on paper. Lovely I will be able to pay the rent one more month.

Still feel a bit low, it is like every time that I do a lot of things during the day it´s like I kind of speed up and just want to do more. Don't know if it is a good or a bad habit. Had a tuna-salad for dinner and now like 7 crackers. actually I was longing for a run, but the time were past nine when I arrived at home and I didn't felt like going out running on my own at that time. It is in these situations when I want to go for a run or just discuss everything and nothing that hapepns around me, cause it does and I don't always know how to deal with it neither what decisions to make. It is not major but still I feel a need of charing it with someone. There is a huge problem here and that is that it is not many people that I consider worth to this task. I know, if I were to live as I learn, then I wouldn't need anyone at all, instead I would meditate or something

but I am not there yet.

A hot tab and then off to bed.

A morning with Obama and an afternoon with Peo Enquist

2009-06-04T18:18:00.002+02:00

I500 letters that are to be folded and put into envelopes with additional address stickers on. What do one do to amuse one self … for sure I brought my baby, my MacBook. Surfed the net and found Obama live from Egypt on the white house official webpage. Interesting as I never has heard a longer speech with him since the election campaigns. And even more interesting did it become further in to the speech. He spoke of humanity in the sense of unity and not separation into religion, race or culture. And he encouraged foremost us, who are up coming in the society today to not be bound by the past but to re-imagine and create this world. To be aware of Darfur and Bosnia and other crises and to view them as a stain of our collective conscious. I was pretty impressed, f course he is a great spokes man but what he actually put forward are in line with what His Holiness Dalai Lama stands for. Peace and humanity under unity rather than diversion and villain versus the good guys. It’s not so easy as to blame one side or the other.

“Moses, Muhammad and Jesus joined in prayer”, he said. So why shouldn’t we?!

Lunch and then back, what to watch now?

At the governmental radio station P1 I found the headline: Per Olov Enquist reads “Ett annat liv” or “ Another life”. 30 episodes where he takes the listener back to mid 19^th century. At one point he says that “ at the time when my grandpas father were youth the Lutheran moral were high, for a play house, which at this time were defined as a place where dance were held one was punished with 25 crows in fee as it was against the law back then.

That made me think of what my physiotherapist said that we Lutherans are so stiff which in turn brings up troubles with our nerves and muscles in our bodies occurring depression and other physiological deceases. If dancing were considered a sin what else wasn’t. It is in our genes even though I think that my generation compared to my parents is more open minded and more influenced by other cultures, due to the wider spread of music, TV-shows, books etcetera due to internet but also that more people are traveling more. To let go of control and just have fun do not coming natural in our blood compared to more southern longitudes, but it might within a few generations. I m also convinced that if, as a friend of mine said the other day “that if we were force Nazis to go outside Swedish borders, leave them with no money, just a ticket somewhere in Europe then they will come back as change persons, they will realize that there are scumbags in all colors and in all classes and cultures as well as there are guardian angels and just regular pretty nice people, because most of us are. I like the thought.

It also made my mind flip back to the movie I watched yesterday, angels and demons, and the diversion of science and religion. It is actually just two ways of explaining the impossible; the thing with anti-materia is that it falls under both of these ranges.

The earth is moving!

I’m a back-packer in life

2009-06-03T23:23:00.008+02:00

Another day were things seamed to have a will of its own. When at the radio right before we were suppose to start to record I realized that the log were not made for Sunday, which means that the play list were not up and I wouldn’t know what

artists and what songs would be played. No harm done, Kalle, who will be my guest in the studio, can be there tomorrow again. “Nice that we are flexible”, he said with a smile. Ok what now, maybe I shall meet up with a friend. Tried some but no result. Why is it always that when we really want someone to pick up they never do! Ok, talked to another guy at the office, told him about my day and he said, “Well some days just are like that” and he is right. This day I have never really been on from the beginning. It is a zombie day. Tried to get some dinner-company but failed. So again, what now? I started to walk through the city to find out.

I felt like a female version of the main character in August Strindberg’s Röda Rummet (The red room) when he just walk in town without any specific destination. Passed Stureplan and thought that maybe I go and see a movie. And so I did. Dan Browns´ “Angels and Demons” were just about to start so I bought a ticked, went to the ladies room and poured my herbalife powder into a juice and I had a dinner-shake. When placed in the cinema I felt pretty pleased, similar to when I am out traveling. A kind of inner peace. Since I started to view everyday as day of back-packing everything got more interesting and also I am living now. The movie it self were neither good not bad. Tom Hanks is a terrific actor he is so human and he are one with his character so naturally on the screen. But I haven’t read the book, those who have consider the movie a disappointment, for me it was what I had expected. But there were not any direct connection to angels and demons, the title should rather have been "illuminarius" or whatever the name were of the ancient secret society.

Maybe the secret is that we feel separated every time we consider us lonely, to reach this conclusion we have to view our selves in comparison to them around us. But if we instead realize that we are never separated, that might bring us comfort and freedom. Like tonight, even if i were physically alone I didn´t felt lonely. Maybe as a single one should strive for … no I don’t really know what to write. Maybe I am trying to find out why so many people are creating something in life that will remind them of some kind of meaning with life it self. Is that what one should do? It doesn’t come natural for me. To buy a dog, have a kid or to find a man; to have a job that I build my life around; tie my self up with principles or routines!

No, I think that happiness lies in the the power of now and in freedom.

To be one with the character

2009-06-03T18:21:00.001+02:00

And here we go again. Woke up around 12.30 and felt like I had caught the flue. The feeling of loneliness was still there. A wise lady said once that you should hug those feelings and be greatful for them because they are telling you something, and not to push them back. So I did. It didn’t really matter that I was sleeping in as I had a free day. But I don’t like the feeling of an upcoming depression. Maybe the best thing for me isn’t to go to bed around 11 and up early. Maby I feel better to go to sleep around 1.30… Well, surfed the internet for a while and then made myself a shake. I should look into some ideas for articles that I might be able to sell in, but I can’t. I don’t have the energy for it. Ok. Time to boost.
Liftoff and rose-ox to keep the flue away and to deal with the first stage of depression so that it doesn’t goes any further. I have noticed since I begun with herbalife I haven’t had such a terrible emotional rollercoaster and that really is a relief. I did my exercises for my back and had a pasta, packed my stuffs and left for the studio. Pre-broadcast for Sundays´ show. When finally here, I wasn’t the only one who thought this rainy Wednesday to be a good afternoon to be in the studio. There were spots to be recorded and voice track for this evening. Well I sat down in the reception and write a post. When having a coffee I turned a magazine “business traveler” and once again I thought to myself that there are millions of oppertunities to sell in articles so once again WHY DON’T I DO IT ?

This made me think of something a guy I met when writing my master thesis. We were a bunch that used to hook up at the library, write one by one but have coffee and lunch together. Somehow we started to discuss clothes. And he said that you have to be man enough to wear a suit and especially here at university, you kind of have to earn that status and fill the role that comes with the wear. I haven’t thought so much about it since then until now. I might have to add that clothes for me is a way of express yourself, it is a matter of statement. Even if you go against or follow the main stream; dresses classical or sporty it is a part of you that you are showing off.

I have been wearing sneakers, jeans, and t-shirt for long. Nothing special, pretty mainstream. Neither wrong nor special. I think that I didn´t have the energy to care, neither to fill out the female clothes. I kind of escaped, hide. Yesterday I realized that it was fun to match clothes, to fix my hair and to do a make-up. But there might be something important lying in the words of my study-friend. Something that might not only consider clothes but also other parts of our life where we have to be the identity that we show. I know it doesn’t appear clear and maybe that because I’m not really sure of what I mean. I think that I kind of want to say that for me to identify with the role as a radio-reporter has taken a while. I needed time to grow into the role. Today I have. In the book 10 thoughts about time Bodil Jönsson writes about “in-between time” a kind of them that goes from when you first realize something or first come into contact with something until it kind of sinks into you and becomes natural for you. I think that this is where I am when it comes to written journalism. So the next question to ask oneself would then be, how do I proceed? How do I become the role. When I studied to become an actress we read a lot of how to become our character. I think that the same technique might be useful to overcome this barrier.

Hopefully there is someone of my friends that want to discuss this further over a drink tonight. Either way I will dig into my old books and look this up and transform it to my present situation. Tomorrow awaits 1500 dispatch = a lot of time to listen to music and philosophize…

Where the wind blows or have faith in ...

2009-06-03T00:52:00.007+02:00

A long day that took strange turns. After lunch something happened. The negativity that had been hanging over me as a cloud suddenly blew away. A very nice man stopped by at my door and we had a chat. In the hallway I run in to a familiar face. I had seen her at lunch, but as I has been here back and forth doing jobs like these and because my father works here, there are a lot of people that I have met once in a while. But there were something different with this face, and also that I in the morning had noticed another familiar face saying god morning. She cleared the riddle. It was my two bosses from the time back when I worked at the globe arena, 2003. One thing led to another and we will work together again during Volvo Ocean Race Stopover. “Just tell us when you can work and then we put together a schedule “ .

Next step: to clear up with the radio; what, when, where and payment!

In a terrible rain and a cold Stockholm I went, in my white sneakers and shorts, to the studio. A short meeting, 10 minutes and a coffee later I was booked 4 days as a reporter both at Sandhamn and at Skeppsholmen.

GREAT ! The day has turned from bottom to top, and I LOVE it.

While at the radio, Jesse came in with a plasticbag in his hand. proudly showing me that he had bought a new camera for action reporter Loogna, one that is waterproof. And what shall one do with new gadgets than to test them…

As if this wouldn’t be enough I picked up my soundsticks at macsupport and met up with my mum and had dinner. Then I got a phone- call from a guy I met in a bar the other week. I did something that I rarely do, I gave him my number and I had according to him told him to call me on Tuesday. Why I have no clue about, but he did.

Isn´t amazingly interesting what some envelops can bring about. I start to be convinced that the buddhist say that "prayers shall fly with the wind" meaning that everything shall be in a constant move. And when they are, when you are, then possibilities shows them selves and its is up to you if you do something about them or just let them pass.

Oh, almost forgot. The tosca cake were from Friday … and I also figured out who the talented pastrycook were. Thanks Camilla : )

Blue is the color

2009-06-02T13:34:00.006+02:00

Felt really down after my dinner yesterday, watched some TV and didn’t fall asleep until around two. To late, as I was to get up around six in the morning to be at my dads' work to finish up some work I started on Friday. I thought that exercise were suppose to make you feel better about your self and give you extra energy and patients to handle things but I just felt lonely and sad. That feeling kind of stayed with me all night long and into the morning. I didn’t get up until I really had to, missed my subway I was suppose to take and arrived 15 minutes later than planned.

On friday I had an assistant, today I had spotify, and ted at skärgårdsradion as company.

Now all envelopes are filled and packed, for this time, another 1500 lying ahead on Thursday. Well it is money and it gives me a lot of time to think about just about anything and everything.

As felling low in the morning I gave my self a good start with a red- berry smoothie and when preparing it I realized that I have missed to pour in dinkel-flakes and that might be one reason for my stomach to be a bit upset. Maybe the weekend of celebration has something to do with it.

I have just had a coffee and this is where I am now …

Go with the Flow

2009-06-01T21:24:00.005+02:00

I am very interested in words. How we tend to use some based on personality and in affect of our surroundings and the time we live in but also dependent on were about at the earths surface we are. Also it interests me because their content is always subjective. It tends to be so, at least for me, that if I get a hung up on a word, kind of when you cant get the first song you herd in the morning no matter how bad it is, out if your head. It kind of follows you the whole day through. For me it is the same with certain words.

RESISTANCE

It came to me about a month ago or maybe it had been there before but that was when I knew about it. It is not that I have been walking around all day long thinking about the word but in some situations it has come up. I think it does because I don’t know what it means to me.

Today at my physiotherapist I met the word again. He told me that if we regard our pain as evil and let it take over us it will get worse. Our resistance will create more negativity and we will get more tense, the muscles will close them selves and nerves will be in- between causing an escalating pain.

My meeting were cancelled so I went home had a shake around 5.30 and went for a run. My purpose was to run as smooth as possible or maybe loose is a better word. This was my focus and half way around I realized that Go with the flow are a way of living. I enjoyed the rest of the run so much more that I use to. Usually it is more of a need than something I do feel pleasure in.

The first thing that poppet up in my mind, while running there in the forest, were the movie “Finding Nemo” and the turtles that says “just go with the flow dude! “ . It is so clear and so easy. Instead of always trying to swim against the current just let it take you on for a ride. But it is as hard as it is easy, because it contains that you have to let loose of your control; you also have to believe in and trust as well as let go of all your fears.

sunny afternoon

2009-06-01T17:30:00.004+02:00

Isn't it amazing how easy it is to escape reality when the sun is shining ! A sms beep that promise a blanket and beer, and of course his lovely company, if you meet up at the park. Who can resist such an offer. So here I am now. He drinking beer and me having my non alcoholic. So some points for me at least and I also cleared up some from my to do list before hand. In an hour I'm heading for a meeting down town so I think that I can give my self some time to enjoy the sun.

Rewind or forward ?!

2009-06-01T12:44:00.003+02:00

Woke up a bit to late to do my exercise. Made a shake and walked to my physiotherapist. Arrived there at 10.05 almost in time. The verdict was pretty good actually. He told me that the tejp had done its part to loosen up muscles and free nerves in my back.

- Your problem is in your bum, he said. It is pretty common among us white people. Our Lutherian culture makes us into machines. We are programmet to go forward. And when in a rush we tend to flex once muscles in the bum and accelerate our speed. Take the subway for example, we white people form lines and are structured and planned when entering the train. Look at someone of dark skin, they take it more soft and smooth, take their time and then enters. They are more flexible in their walk. This is, according to a Norwegian professor due to the substance of melanin. It lies underneath the skin and we white people have less of this substance. Therefore we have another way of handling life. So I might say that we white people are defect. And this gives us huge problems with our bodies. You have to shake your bum more!

I laugh and thought of the people I have known and still are friend with that are not Swedish and it strikes me that they never complains of back issues nor that they are depressed. If you then believe in the philosophy that everything in the universe is perfect just the way it is and that the present circumstances has something to tell us, then the next step has to be to ask oneself what it is saying us.

Maybe we, the white race, has been productive during the industrial era due to our Lutheran culture, and it might be so that we had to discover all this to free time for our self so that we could make room for our spiritual process. Something that has been a natural part in life for red, yellow and black skins all along. Destroyed by the whites´ in their search for development and progress. When writing my master thesis in political science I met Dalai Lamas advisor. He told me that it we instead of separates our selves from each other and regard us as humans, independent of race, culture and religion and base our action out of humanity, if we exchange hate to compassion then a new world order are possible and humanity would take a step to another level.

My physiotherapist also said that pain are an indicator of that something is wrong, you should try to feel the pain but not give it your attention. Just recognize it and listen to what it tells you. In the beginning of my back issues I didn’t I kind of identified my self with my pain and that gave more pain. Today I have a different relationship with my own body and it is much easier to deal with.

Maybe it all goes together. A lot of circumstance, that regarded as one single unit are not so special but when added they all bring me forward. It then becomes mysterious and interesting, and makes my curious and brings me forward. My daily life then transforms into a good book, you know one of those that you cant let go of because you want to turn the page and see what happens next.

The one and only

2009-06-01T00:32:00.006+02:00

Me and my bike. On my way from the radio. Grabbed a Falafel on the way with a friend. I now feel that my stomach is not well at all. Tomorrow is the 1st of june and then I am going to be firm on not having any milk products nor meat other than at really special times. More Herbalife, and more real food. less sandwiches and buns and bread overall. That is what I think that my stomach are longing for. Tomorrow I 'll do some rice.

Double meaning (or tripple, if counting my bike as one) in the title. Champagne is the drink for every moment. And one is the amount of glasses I am going to have. I enjoyed good company a lovely view of stockholm in sun- set, sipping a glass of champagne, and then called it a night. I left my bike in the city, it was a bit chilly by now, took the subway and came home, now sipping a tea and it feels great. I am kind of proud of my self.

Even though the hours become to late again, it feels like I actually are going to turn this around with a combination of a lot of decisions coming together and a great help form family and friends, mostly I am greatful for their patients with me and their capability of letting me do my things my way, even though they do not always agree nor understand what or why I am doing the things I am or the way aI do it, but always stay with me as support. Thanks !

Braodcasting

2009-06-01T00:14:00.006+02:00

Sunday afternoon. That means studio hours. We had a really warm mothers-day celebration at my parents place. Coffee, sorbet and cinnamon-buns at the balcony in 28 degrees. Finally the summer has arrived. Went home to pick up my entry card to the studio, that I had forgotten, and to grab a shake. Had one herbalife tropical shake with juice and jumped on my bike. Stockholm is beautiful this time a year. to bicycle along the water is luxury. It took me 25 minutes, faster than by sub way...

Sundays is "min Skärgård", my weekly show where I visit or have someone with me in the studio that tells me and our listeners about their archipelago. Today it was an hour of cows' I loved it. BEside me on the table in the studio i found this tosca cake, my absolute favorite when it comes to cakes. I guess that it has been there since friday but what harm could it do ? Had a piece and it tasted as tosca shall. Not everyone are able to get it right, that's for sure, so I had another one. hopefully my stomach did like it to...

Karin 30 ! Me no alcohol

2009-05-31T01:28:00.010+02:00

Do you like my biker-shoes ? I know you do...

Arrived to the party on bike a few hours to late. A lovely buffet were still on, even though the coffee were soon to be served. I had brought some non alcoholic beer, pour

ed it up and grabbed a plate, sat down and ate. Well, thats after saying hello to a few familiar faces and some new ones. I have to say that I was a bit nervous about how it wold be not to drink. Not so much about me not drinking as me

not being a bit drunk. I have always been the loud, noicy one that are everywhere and no where at parties. Now, when

sober, I am not. It takes me time to adjust.

I had a few very nice conversations. different ones. Everything from why cant a girl have a male name as her second name. Who has actually said that it should be wrong?! I love those conversations as there are no straight answers and it also makes us all to re consider our values and what we believe in. For me I think it would be ok as a secon

d name; I mean who has decided that Daniel is a male name ? But I am not there yet considered the first name, and that because it would probably not be juste to the kid. To stay with names a story came up of a girl who the other day by the age of three had told her mother over an ice-cream that she wanted to change her name. to what did her mother ask. To jasmine, she said. Ok said her mother, why not. And we all agreed on that it was the right choice, why not. And for me i draw a parallel to the book about angels that I just read where they say that children do have a tight relationship to the spiritual world. If this identification with a name had to do with that or something else would be to speculate but what I do believe is that if her mother in this case would have refused her to change name, then she would have take something away from her daughter. And also by respecting her will she did respect her daughter. And to be treated with respect is one of the key issues when it comes to love.

Well, from there the livingroom became a eurovision song contest arena. The subject turned to the perfect concept of the episodes of two and a half men, with the comment " you might call me old but I love it because it is slow " . And the night, for me and the beginning for the rest, were closed up by talking of anxiety attacks. Oh now I almost forgot. My worries about not pleasing everyone because I would be boring or what ever it is that I think I will, or will not be I had to take back. When saying good bye, one of the girls said "it was nice to seeing you, as always" then we decided to get together for a brunch a bunch of us. I don't think she can imagine how much those words meant to me right in that moment.

Now it really is time to go to bed, looking forward for my power-walk in the morning.

good night and sleep well

don't forget mothers day tomorrow !

Birthday

2009-05-30T18:57:00.012+02:00

My brothers´20th birthday. Beautiful weather and heavenly good birthday cakes in the company of family and friends what else could one wish for.

Funny, when I had written this post, i added the title. It got me thinking of the interesting with birthdays. have you ever thought of why we celebrate it. now it striked me that it is a celebration of life. Today I had my family around. To watch my little cousins trying to figure out how the little newborn Almas' hands are compared to theirs and their fascination of that their hand has been that small. His black hand in- between mine and little Almas' that is mystery enough, even for an adventurer.

I woke up to a symphony by the birds outside my window and the sun shining in on me. Got up made my self a smoothie with my new blender. The old one broke yesterday and that gave me trouble as I couldn’t make my morning shake properly. Now I can again.

Instead of a regular blender I bought a hand blender to even make it all one step easier, less dish, as I now can mix it in the glass at once.

I drank my shake while getting dressed. I felt firm. To make a decision almost feels like you are loosing weight. You feel easier. Breath calmer and you believe in the mystery of universe, walked through the wood and pass the allotment to my parents place to bake cinnamon- buns for my brothers birthday mingle at the dock this afternoon. With my herbalife shake in hand i sat down at the dock in the light breeze. My grandpas wife told me that those drinks really has helped her out a lot. She had a lot of trouble with balance and feeling sick as well as trouble with her eyes. She went back and forth to the hospital but the doctors didn´t find anything. she started to drink these she told me and now she is all well. She had the same symptoms as I did. and she were as lousy as I when it came to food. Then she told me about her "nub carpet" and how it helped her to engage the circulation in her body. And I tried it.

It felt a bit sticky at first, i layed for 20 minutes and during that time it came and passed a few times a heat within my back and I could feel how the muscles did relax and by that I did to. It is now at the top 5 at my which-list.

Home for a quick change and now off to a friend for birthday dinner and party

let´s get this started

2009-05-29T22:21:00.000+02:00

Schedule

07.30 Wake up beauty

Herbal pills

Pilates /Yoga 20 minutes alternatively Jogging, power- walk or swimming

Shower

08.30 Shake&vitamins

Get dressed

Hair&Make-up

09.00 Ready to meet a new day

09.00-12.30 Working shift 1/ Free time : Coffee

12.30 Lunch

13.00-16.30 Working shift 2/ Free time : Fruit/ Liftoff /

Thermocompleate

17.00 Jogging/swimming/ power-walk/Pilates boll

(Minimum 2 times a week)

18.00 Exercises for my back

( resting days Thursday and Sunday)

18.30 Dinner

Herbal pills

19.00- 22.00 Working shift 3/ Free time : Tea

22.30-23.30 Meditation

24.00 Good night sweetheart

* Two Shifts a day is minimum.

*One glass minimum between every meal and snack.

One way out

2009-05-28T23:10:00.001+02:00

My biggest issue for the moment is that I fell out of control, as my life is slipping thorough my fingers. What do I do then; I have a glass of whine. Since when did that solve anything?

Before that I made a decision that one way out of the rounder-bound is to stop looking for a job and start working. I have my own business, make it work. Do some jobs sell them and maybe some long-term or project based ones will pop-up. This is the typical pattern. I have a deep conversation that leads to great progress in how to solve the situation I am in. Instead of putting all my energy into o that I decide burry my head in the sand. Having a glass too much. I then erase the positive effect with putting on a negative. A newly found friend said to me over a dinner when sharing life stories that " maybe you just should stay away from drinking, as it don' t bring you any good". i heard him and probably it got stuck on my mind as I have kept the words. He is right. I think that i was holding on to it as we all to to things that are a habit, or that we find a kind of pride in trying to manage, it is as if I give up if I don' t find a way. but what i didn't thought of then were that by giving up i might win.

I say thank you herbalife for keeping me going these days. Without my shakes I would have been more depressed and more filled with anxiety. I know it because this is not the first time around that I am in this position. But, hopefully the last time in this appearance, as I decides here and now to put an end to this vicious circle. I now know what the trigger point is.

Dexter said in one episode “ how could I loose my earlier control “ and “ where do I find it again” he just like me had to make the code in to his own by believing on what he did and that it was right. And in that I have my answer. My code. I just have to build it up with and fill in what it contains and not. To put up the rules that is to be obeyed that is what my process has been about since 2004 and when set, everything will be much more smooth as I then know what, where, when and why I do as I do. I will act in a conscious way and that will give control.

A roundabout

2009-05-26T23:41:00.004+02:00

It feels like I am caught in a French roundabout. You know one of those that you for some mysterious reason just end up in; and then you find you self doing laps after lap. It all goes around in circles you try to get out of their but there is always cars that push you back in, that don’t let you trough. And you are not sure of what direction you are heading; you came from one that’s the only thing for sure. You wish for a map but don’t have one for this particular roundabout. It is like someone just placed it there and refuses to take it away. Your head spins and it is almost that you just want to stop the car, walk out and sit in the middle of everything. Just sit there until all cars disappear, but you know that is not likely so you have to decide what road to take. Focus and find your way there, no matter if that is the wrong way or not, but you need to stop doing laps. So why don’t you? Because the body and mind don’ t work together. You can’t break free.

Managed to get out of bed and meet up with a friend at Humlegården for lunch in the park. Received a phone call that I didn’t get the job at Sandhamn either. Realized that I have to turn this around. That all my bitterness that has come over me is highly due to the feeling of not being in control. So I have to gain that control again. Decided to rent out my apartment during summer, live at Sandhamn and do radio and stay with my good friend in her parents house when I Stockholm. With a decision in my mind and a plan in at least one direction I felt a bit better. Gained some energy by food and sun and stopped by at the radio to record with Matilda.

Preparations, at Skärgårdsradion, for the Volvo Ocean Race official radio station

A friend stopped by in the evening for tea and I told her about my plan. We developed it further. I am going to be a journalist for fulltime, make up my own ideas, pull them through and sell them in. In that way I am responsible for my own good.

This demand that I do take control of my self again and that I am firm with my planning and make sure that I are one step ahead of my self all the time and not one behind. Also that I put up deadlines and keep them. Structure my days.

"You are being tested" were the words form a friend after telling him over the phone about my complicated life situation and how it all slip through my fingers, and hoe it fells like I never get anywhere and that no one understands me. And then he says the sentence you don't want to hear, and why am I being tested, what bad have I done or should I be glad that I am being tested. Sorry I can't really se the good in it. Is that what I am to learn. Well as I said before, tested or not, I have to find a way out of this roundabout. Now when giving it a second thought I am not sure of why this roundabout really is. Maybe it actually is a test. and maybe it is not the way I choose that is the important but my state of mind when doing laps and deciding to make a choice of what direction to take. maybe it is two-folded.

So Tomorrow I have to work on that schedule. Both food and drinks, wakening hours and when to go to bed as well as planned working hours and exercise. I had a negative relationship to this before. It felt like I had to do something, but not when turned it all around it feels like I am free. That I am in power of what my days are to bring me. And I look forward to wake up tomorrow and start to create my schedule.

‰

2009-05-25T22:26:00.006+02:00

4:04

Koutsläpp

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TE7HyPeKAsc&feature=channel_page

Saturday night, a friend turned 30 and we all gathered at Judit and Bertil, on the south side. Had some wine and talked about all and nothing as one should a Saturday night. I had a glass of wine too for once. The last three weeks with the beginning of a glass at Sandhamn, I have taken a glass now and then.

Oh, for you who don’t know the background I have since the autumn of 2004 started to quit drinking back and forth. Not because I don’t think that I wouldn’t manage to quit forever but because I don’t want to. Or at least I didn’t want to. Not up until a few hours ago. Sunday morning, I woke up by the phone. The sun was shining in, it was already 10.30. I had arrived back home yesterday night at half past two but then felt said, angry and too frustrated to go to bed. I must have taken at leas one hour before I finally went to sleep. I don’t know if it was a beginning of the insight that I might have realized that drinking and me are no good combination. Or if it was the fact that everyone else went home together with someone, except for me.

Either way I woke up on Sunday morning and typed an sms to a friend asking him if he possibly could put aside an hour or so to help me with my film. Which actually is a job application for a job as a reporter. A friend had seen the add in metro; two months on the road; blog; camera; film and twitter for Svenska Turistföreningen. The application is a video posted on youtube tagged to twitter. So here I was. Newly awake receiving an sms. “If you’ll be at the office in 30 minutes”. Jumped in to the clothes that were on top of the sofa and left my apartment, felt really low but couldn’t really know why. Arrived at his office and the sight of breakfast; yogurt, bread and cheese and coffee really made me smile. There in the middle of breakfast and American dad on the TV I put words on it.
- I had some wine yesterday, it made me feel said, and when sipping my wine; at every sip I noticed quietly for my self that I had another sip; conscious. All the time I check on my self and ask my self how much have I been drinking; how do I feel. Am I ok? and so on.
- The thing with drinking alcohol is to not think, my friend replied
- Yes, I know, I said, but I had too, as I was afraid that I would get caught up in the mood otherwise and find my self having a few to many and fall back in to old habits. I continued by adding that I thought that I could hold it on a social level. To have a glass or two among friends together with a dinner or like this among people that are slow drinkers.
- Not like when we are out, he laughed
- No not when I could get caught up in the mood, because I love the feeling of being drunk together with friends. Allow it to escalate, dance and just let everything go for a night. Having a blast. My problem is that those days when everything stays at that are very few compared to when it doesn’t. And yesterday, even if I just had few glasses I feelt the eager of something, and those times that I just have taken a glass I feel that it. It affects my feelings and I turn the hours around, don’t hold on to my routines, not that they are significant for the moment, but they sure not get better with alcohol in the picture.

The sum is that the conscious drinking equals the relaxing feeling that comes when the alcohol runs in your body. as they equals each others and leave me with its back-side and a constant worry for not handling it I only see one rational decision to take. And to put into the words of my spiritual mentor "if it does not fall in under the umbrella of that it brings me good, then it doesn´t . I should never take something away but instead make sure that every thing I do and thing´k are for my own best, not in an egoistic way but as in being kind to my self".

With that deeply philosophical breakfast the day were colored by a strange shimmer. I recognize it. I have felt it before; it makes your life spin, you don’t know why but it feels like you are running out of time and at the same time as some thongs appear clear others darkens and becomes really hard to determine.

I cut my movie, realized when watching my self on film that I was glad that I’m familiar with my own voice so that I “only” had to deal with watching my self on the screen, then I had my herbalife- shake with vitamins and went to the studio to record tonight’s show. Today i brought a juice and my containers of tropical flavored formula 1 and protein powder mixed; easy to pour into the bottle; shake it and drink it. Around nine when finally finished in the radio studio I was glad that I had taken that shake because I was hungry then, and would have been terribly hungry if it wasn't for my afternoon shake. Hooked up with some friends and sat down, relieved to just sit there and to have a great pasta, a long day that I really didn’t seam to get a hold of, in the same way as I wished for it to reach its end I wanted it to last forever just to be able to take it all in and figure out how to take this further. but every day has an end and that end is the beginning of a new day with new challenges. The night in- between are for us to sleep on it and maybe un-counsiously plan the next move.

Happy cow

2009-05-23T17:01:00.011+02:00

Oh my, about 2000 people in all ages gathered around the fence, to watch the cows take their first steps for the year in freedom, in a rain that wouldn´t stop.

How do you get form the very far of no- where? Well the first bus towards Stockholm left at 15.27, the time were around noon, so me and Matilda decided to hitch- hike. Finally a cuple stopped, they offered to drive us to the bus-station close by where me might find a earlier bus to Norrtälje, we ended up ride with them to Jakobsberg where we took the train to central station.

Enjoyed the last hours of the day with a friend, having a late lunch at kvarnen outdoor dining. salt-cured salmon and potatoes in white sauce with dill, typical swedish lunch, and a Staropramen.

Oh yeh it is summertime !

on my way to cow Springbreak

2009-05-23T10:28:00.003+02:00

I met up with Matilda at 07.40 to catch the bus towards Norrtälje. An hour later we stepped of the bus and on another one. Passed lonely, open fields and houses, horses and some warning signs of elk and bulls, to finally get of in the middle of nowhere with an angry elderly woman shouting at us to step down towards the door… don’t know what she was so stressed about. Out her there are no stress, we walked along the road for about 900 meters and reached our goal for the day. The Väddö dairyFarm. This is where we in about an hour will experience the transformation when a cow is to see daylight and feel the grass for the first time after six months in the barn.

A sign for the lost one

2009-05-22T20:41:00.010+02:00

On our cruise I came about these signs that gave us a laugh

It is a bit unclear where this toilet is located, points down to the walk-way, or through it.. we did not follow it up ...

...If you don´t remember your room number you can always try to remember what animal you are

.... Ted notice the obvious about this sign; saying water and points towards this window...

... What can one say ... IT IS CRYSTAL CLEAR

“Life is like racing Grand Prix “

2009-05-22T18:48:00.004+02:00

What do we do when we get of track? Yes, right, we get back on track again. Maybe you need to stop at depot to repair what has been broken and maybe to come up with a new strategy. Then you push the gas and get back out there keep on with you laps. And you enjoy it!

Wise words from my neighbor. I’ll tell you the story that made him say this. But first let me start by saying that It’s Friday! After work and a weekend lying ahead, well at least for some. For me the day just goes on. Usually they are filled with things to do but it is things that I do not have to do. The backside is that I won’t receive any money on my account, and that do form a cloud of uncertainty over the days. Now you might say. Why don’t she just get a job. That’s what I used to say so I understand you. But believe me it’s not the easiest thing to do anymore. There are lots of jobs I can’t do due to by back- issues and if that frustrates anyone I can assure you that I have gone crazy over this lots if times. Because it put me in the position that I’m not able to fully take care of my self. I have always done that and now I’m more than often dependent on help from others.

I haven’t even been good when it comes to herbalife this week, nor done any exercise. I tried on Monday but it did hurt too much in my spine. I have not been able to swim as I have this tape on my back and arm. But I could very well have been out taking long walks everyday, but I didn’t. Yesterday on the whole day cruise when broadcasting. I prepared my self with a morning shake and my vitamins. Had a small breakfast on board, like a snack, and a steak for lunch but then came the afternoon and I was thinking of making my self a shake but I thought too long so that I lost my energy and just grabbed a sandwich like everyone else. It made me lazy. When back home I had a shake to stable the stomach and it felt better but still I should have had that shake in the afternoon when I first felt that eager for something. I think I have to sharpen my sense of when and what I need and make sure that I do what I can to fix it. But it’s hard to get a structure in all this, especially when I am not sure what form of structure I want.

As a wise person once told me: When lost go back to the beginning and your answer will appear. (Maybe that actually were said by Yoda in Star Wars) well either way it is a wise say.

So, I am back on square 1. My meal- and sleep watch in at the daily and to believe in, and sometimes convince my self that love is everything and everything is love. Most important I have to remind myself to believe.

Well, back to my neighbor; today he stopped by; found me lying in the sofa watching television. Totally off. It is not that I have had to much to do, neither bored nor that I couldn’t do anything productive like meet up with some friends, write an article or edit some radio, or even maybe find a job that I could apply for, because I could. But I did choose to lie down and be feed. I did hide. Why I asked my self, it is not like me to give up, neither to not take control of my life. Or at least it was not. Maybe I as feed before as I am now laying her watching television. But just in another way. I did everything, as I should, it appeared to be controlled but did I actually have control. I doubt it. Maybe now, after my six years of late teenage revolt I am on my way to build my life the way I want it. The hard thing that comes with it is to really find out what do I want?

I want to share something I found in a book the other day, and rewind to my late teenage years. From the time when I started to go to clubs (when 16) I have been 23, and I still am. In September I turn 27 and I can assure you that I have longing for that day. I can’t really tell why or how but it just has been that way. Then I read this and it kind of gave me an explanation but at the same time it confused my head even more.

“ We are all connected with our angel as a child. Its presence is strong when we are newly born. (…) When she experience here “self” in a Freudian way, she begins a divorce form being one with everything, from the universal consciousness And the birth of an “I” even by some defined as “ the ego”. As time passes and the child starts talk, walk and think she moves towards the worldly. The emancipation processes up until the 21^st and 28^th year, when she in her human form do take the most responsibility for her destiny, even if she now are trying to reconnect or reestablish a connection to the world of angels”.

It made me think that maybe this explains my curiosity of the spiritual world and also my escape form everything during these years. But what stills cant leave my mind is that it says up until 21^st and 28^th not in- between but maybe that’s what it means or maybe it just says that it is this period in life that this comes to surface, this is when we have to deal with our selves.

Broadcasting at sea

2009-05-21T17:50:00.003+02:00

I have boarded the cruise-ferry Isabella at the Stockholm ferry-terminal 07.30, early morning. We are a few colleagues from the radio station, me and Jesse Wallin at the picture, Ted Johansson and our tour leader Matilda, taking a day- tour in our beautiful archipelago together with our winners of the competition held the last week, Daniel and Anette.

When arriving at the breakfast buffet, in my zombie- state of mind, with my eyes strictly focused on coffee I couldn´t help to notice the people around me. Who are they and what brought them all together here today. I had the impulse of go straight up to them and ask how they ended up here just at this time, this day and in this constellation. How did I ?! That is something that never will stop to amaze me, how people meet; what led them on the same course and brought them together just in this or that time. Have we actually met in a previous life and therefore are drawn to each other? A vise woman once said to me that we are all moving around in circles where once or two of them sometimes, for a limited time or for longer, do overlap each other. And in those spaces we meet. That’s the reason for how we tend to meet someone who accidentally, or is it, do have some connection to someone else that you know. Isn´t so that it all has its logic. that every meeting have something to tell us, bring us or make us conscious about.

Thats about it from the morning philosopher. Back to the cruise-ferry, where all these people gather in lines to pile up bred and yogurt, fruits for me I head for the coffee and grab two croissants on my way as we are leaving Stockholm behind and goes towards the open water.

Oh yeh. It is well known that the boat architecture design are a kind of its own. Neither less this is one of the best I´ve seen. They have tied to create a Italian piazza feeling at teh buffet dining, but I don’t know if the atmosphere with plastic big pack ham and cheese and the “waiting- or closing- music” (you know that annoying tunes that you have to listen to while waiting inline in phone or when a warehouse is about to close) combined with this, plastic piece of painted tile/brick wall do it... Well, see for your self.

We found our selves alone at the breakfast buffet, I got the mission to sort out where everyone left and what they are up to ?

... They do karaoke.

And we couldn´t be any different, Jesse filled in form with his name and the song he were to sing. And what a performance, Jesse alias Elvis delivered 'I can´t help fallin in love with you´ with grace, charming every lady in the club. And I can tell you that I got the evil eye when he dedicated it to me, standing on the side recording with Ted.

After a short visit in Mariehamn we´r now boarding Rosella cruising ship and I can assure you that this is nothing like you can imagine. A day cruise to Mariehamn, Åland, is something special. We just said that this do only happens in live broadcasting. An original, you know one of those that you hear, can’t miss and are just not like everyone else. A woman, sunburned, in dreads enters the sun deck for a smoke. She is a bit scary at the same time as she seams harmless. Sits down next to a couple and starts a conversation. Meanwhile 2 youngsters are repainting the stairs so we can’t enter the second level on sundeck. A man chaffs in the middle of our recording so we all have to hold back a laugh, and another man loudly says that its time for shrimp- sandwich and beer. this all took place when we still were at harbor. For you not familiar with Swedish tradition I can tell you that this is a culture of its own, but neither less a wide and appreciated by many. I might add that the average age are 65 this Thursday afternoon. what makes me glad though is to watch how they have dressed up for this day and really seams to enjoy.

At the time of writing a cover- band named Janssons Frestelse, which initially are a dish named after the famous opera singer Pelle Jansson who always had this fish dish as a night snack after performance, now it is three middle aged men in suit at a stage with a purple curtain behind them delivering Peter Lundblad ´ta mig till havet´. A few couples are dancing and me, I’m having a coffee and remembering this song from my childhood. A bit nostalgic at this picturesque bar where tax free carriers with beer and wine piled on top of each other among some candy and make up. When it comes to us we do what we can to fit in smoothly; drinking beer, whine and even some smaller moves can be seen, but most interested I think we are in the status of our cells and computers, to see if we are back on Swedish net so we can be connect again. Do I have to say that the drinks are colourful with an umbrella and a fruit on a stick.

Adjustments for month 2

2009-05-20T18:43:00.009+02:00

Roger handing me Partybag 2

with additional Liftoff and Theromcomplete

Micaela, you have during the first month have had a lot of ups and down. I know that it sometimes seams hard and even impossible to keep up, specially when you are in a situation like yours, with no job for the moment and by that no clear routines we have to create some order. Up till now you have taken the morning shake daily and just by that you have noticed a difference. But you dip in the afternoon and hence we need to keep you focused all day for you in order to expect the results that we do want: both in energy levels and in shaping the figure.

Straighter with your eating regime – “Skalman” to not get the energy dips during your days.

Plan your eating the day before always have opportunities with you to be able to take a healthy meal quick on the run as you are stressing around a little to much. How many people don’t recognize them in that situation in this world?

We will during this month enchange your focus and energy levels between your meal by some small middle meals and by LiftOff by Thermo Complete (In US the name of this tablet is Total Control and that is a better name).

A meal plan for you will mainly look like this

Breakfast: Herbalife Protein Shake with tablet enhancers

Snack: Fruit, or a Protein bar and Thermo Complete

Lunch: Lunch of the day or Herbalife Protein shake

Snack:Some cottage Cheese with fruits and Thermo Complete

Dinner: Dinner of the day or Herbalife Protein shake (depending on lunch)

When coming to meal sizes we will work in-line with the thinking in the book Body For Life, by Bill Phillips. I will give you the book next time we meet so that you can start to plan not only your meals but also your exercise. That is a ingredient that we will add this month. You will find that focused training is possible to do even if you are in a period with a tight schedule or one without any notes in your calendar, as long as you plan you days a week ahead.

And finally, some tips from the coach !

On every meal: try to combine some Carbohydrates, protein, good fat, vitamins and minerals because they need each other to work efficient in your body.

Directly after exercise you shall take some carbohydrates and protein with some vitamins and minerals to start your recovery. Then around 1-1, 5 hour after your exercise make sure to have a Herbalife Protein shake with focus on a lot of proteins and Herbalifeline (Omega3) RoseOx (potent Antioxidant). This shake will build your body during the night.

Back to back

2009-05-19T01:00:00.007+02:00

Today I’ve been taped with kinesiology tape. But the reason for why goes back to ester two years ago, more accurately than so I don´t know but most likely this goes back further than that date.

But I´ll start to tell you about my day.

After being treated for almost an hour with cracking my back and neck and dealing with trigger points from the neck, middle of my back down to my bum and out in the arms and the feet, by my newly found physiotherapist. I located him through recommendations from a friend. After trying most of the techniques why not try him out. I couldn’t be worse and the pain really has escalated the last months so i thought I could give it a try.

I was surprised of how he asked me questions and actually seamed to listen to my answers, demonstration a prototype in plastics different possible diagnoses and what they could be derived from. He were the first one to actually take time to hear me out before hand and also treat me as a likewise not treat me as a child. He then asked me to lie down, after doing some neck and back tests standing up to se the movement of my muscles. A pain that made me sweat incredibly. He then suddenly stopped and asked me sit up. I felt like I lost 10 kilos of weight, I also felt that I could breathe and that I had the power to hold up my own neck.

Then he started to bend my arms and ask when it felt this and that, placing the first piece of tape. “What help will it do” I asked but in the same time as my words came out of my mouth I felt a strong relief in my whole arm up to the neck. “I take it back I said” almost at the same time. He kept on crating a tattoo of tape on my neck and upper back. It felt as if I had a strong hand holding up my neck helping my posture to stable the neck.

I went home still surprised of the effect of a piece of tape.

So, how did I end up here at the first place you might ask? It’s a long story but I will try to keep it short to you.

Three days before Easter- day, two years ago, I woke up with a terrible pain in my back. I tumbled out of bed, managed to get dressed, even though it felt like I had done a hard hours exercise, got my clothes on and left for a seminar at university. Two days later, the day before Good Friday, my pain grew and when standing at the subway it felt like thousands of needles did hit my back at the same time. It caused such a pain that I apparently screamed out loud, the reason I know that is that I recognized an idiot screaming and thought why don’t she stop, until I realized that the idiot was me. This was the beginning of what was to come, a long-drawn process of doctor visits, chiropractor, massage, advices to go and see a psychologist. Three months of not being able to grab anything, not even a glass; limited in getting dressed, as my arms couldn’t go further than the shoulders; not being able to work and hence live on credit. The diagnoses were many; fever in the muscles in the back, burnt-out, stress -related to the best of them all: there is nothing wrong with you back.

I started up with exercises given by my chiropractor mixed up with yoga and pilates as well as I could. In the beginning I was to sore to even to anything, I slept about 14 hours a day and I could only wear soft clothes and do maximum one thing per day. I cut down on my hobbies, my social life and of course the kickboxing had to be put out aside so also rough forms of party and late nights.

I felt helpless for the first time in my life. I couldn’t handle anything on my own. I could find my self sitting on the floor crying because I couldn’t even open my own door to get out of my apartment. When taking a shower I had to do it one thing at the time. If I did the hair one day I could do the body the next and so it kept on. Also not to be able to work or gain any income could make me cry, I have always taken care of my self and paid for the things I wanted and needed, but now I wasn’t able to do so any more and I didn’t get any money from the government either due to various circumstances.

I managed to find my self a part time job that I could handle with my back and also psychologically. To work four hours demanded a ten-hour sleep and that I went straight home after work. I slowly extended my working hours and since Christmas this year. Two years since my back collapsed, I could almost manage full time. I had put up my own recovery program with exercises and to do´s such as cut down on social life and other to let my back relax while I wasn’t at work. It has been two years of film and lots of episodes.

The wise ones says´ that to those owners of a great Ego something drastic occurs to awaken them. It will force them to revalue their life, to search or to build something out of it. When, or if, they come out on the other side of it they will see thing from a different angle. A more unselfish approach will grow. It makes reminds me of an old say that my grandma used “ what does not kill you, makes you stronger “. This phrase is true and therefore it’s hard to hear sometimes, especially when you’re in the middle of your pain or process, but even more needed then to remind you of keeping the faith.

My first 30- days with Herbalife

2009-05-17T22:42:00.010+02:00

1 month has passed. The time has come to measure the results of my Herbalife pills and powder !

Generally I feel healthier, my cold I have dragged on since beginning of autumn are as good as gone. I don’t know if it’s because of the arrival of the spring or due to my pills and specially rose ox that contains antioxidants. On the other hand I have also felt a difference in energy level: today the everyday life and its doings like dish, cleaning, laundry or other stuffs that everyone has to do were before a huge project for me and I didn’t do it until I really had to. Now I have more energy and these things aren’t such a problem any more. I also recognize the lovely thing with having a juice-shake in the afternoon when feeling a bit low.

For this month I have kicked off the day with a shake and my pills. This has crated a hunger for food at lunchtime, something I didn’t feel before. So, I have had a real lunch and when it comes to dinner I have alternated dependent on where I have been at the moment.

When I first stepped up on the scale I was amazed about what it could measure. When i stepped on, grabbed the handles and just breathed, the scale got deep down under my skin measure me up. Technology now makes it impossible to hide.

Specifically I let the numbers speak for themselves

My total body fat range were 26%, not a terrible number but still it could be improved. We will shape up my body. Increase muscles and decrease fat. During this month I have improved, lowering my total body fat range to 24.2, almost 2 %, which is good says Roger, and continues, it means that we have lost fat and gained muscles which in turn improves the combustion.

My upper-body is where the most visible improvement has taken place. For total I have raised from 26.6 to 26.9 that indicates that my body takes shape.

I promised you a new bikini picture every month

so here it is...

Important now is that we continue to give the body fuel so that it does not fall into a back-lash with dragging on a cold which is very common at this stage when the body cant handle slaggprodukterna due to that it does has not enough nourishment. Therefore I will add some more products to your collection so that your body will have enough fuel to keep on the great process that we have begun, says Roger Nilsson, my Herbalife coach.