I have to confess though that there is a empty space in-between that is called reality. When I first got dropped of at my apartment on Thursday I felt totally lonely and life were so sad. Rented a great movie, don’t remember the name but it was a famous photographer that came back after his fathers death to town where he grew up and one thing after the other made him face reality. It is strange how things appears, the movie ended like the butterfly effect with two endings. As then, I liked the none happy ending. I lied in my bed with cheese doodles and chocolate and felt like someone had dragged out the plug and all air went out of me. And as usually this comes with sleepless nights.
Friday and I were to be at my dad´s job to help out during the day, late night Thursday I realized that I had double booked and were suppose to be at my spiritual mentor at 10.00 on top of that I overslept, bought breakfast at seveneleven and missed the train that only goes every 20 minutes due to construction. What a lovely day ! At least it went from terrible to ok. I got served a barbecue at the night by and with some friends. It made me feel less lonely but still I felt like I had lost something. The last two weeks has been so intense and not only that, but I realized that this is what I want to do, and what I am good at. This thought you might think is a good one, and of course it is but it is also scary because it makes me addicted and forces me to focus so that I can finance it. I have not only discovered a lot on the workside of life but also on the private. And as always when this happens it strikes me like lightening from blue sky and a panic attack rises.
It is good if I stay away form alcohol at this time because then I can take the good thing out of it and with a clear mind let it all sink in and then sort out how to proceed. Like on Friday I get fever and feel low, it is my body’s way of saying slow down. So I did but this time in company of friends and family.
If this intense life is how I want to live my life I have to really value the time in-between and by that value what I do with it such as watch a good movie that I really want to see, do some exercise and meet friends and family not because I should but because I want to.
Since the first night I went to Café Opera with the sailors I have kept up the tempo, and I really asked my self, no actually my mentor asked me, could you not have had the same fun if drinking sparkling water? After a while of thinking I said to my self, I would, and probably in the long run even more fun. I do not regret anything but I have now once again confirmed what I already knew: that my body and mind do not play with alcohol. I have not done any exercise and I have been sloppy with my meals, less herbalife and more bread and vegiburgers, late snack and late breakfast, if any. This makes me week and I fall back into depression. The good thing is htat we don’t talk even close to the ranges that I used to drink before. But still it is too much. It do mess with my brain, senses and feelings in a way that don’t generate anything good. For example I have eaten meat and ice-cream even though I know that my stomach really don’t like it. I am not taking care of my self and living in line with my code of loving kindness in this way not towards my self.
Don’t know how many times I have to go through this but they say that you do it until you get it, and apparently it takes a while. The good side is though that I am far from as down as I used to be. I don’t have so many steps to climb to be back in the game again. Before I were down in the dungeon now I have just fallen down a few steps, and I know how to climb them again.
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