Karin 30 ! Me no alcohol

Do you like my biker-shoes ? I know you do... 

Arrived to the party on bike a few hours to late. A lovely buffet were still on, even though the coffee were soon to be served. I had brought some non alcoholic beer, pour

ed it up and grabbed a plate, sat down and ate. Well, thats after saying hello to a few familiar faces and some new ones. I have to say that I was a bit nervous about how it wold be not to drink. Not so much about me not drinking as me

 not being a bit drunk. I have always been the loud, noicy one that are everywhere and no where at parties. Now, when

 sober, I am not.  It takes me time to adjust. 

I had a few very nice conversations. different ones.  Everything from why cant a girl have a male name as her second name. Who has actually said that it should be wrong?! I love those conversations as there are no straight answers and it also makes us all to re consider our values and what we believe in.  For me I think it would be ok as a secon

d name; I mean who has decided that Daniel is a male name ? But I am not there yet considered the first name, and that because it would probably not be juste to the kid.  To stay with names a story came up of a girl who the other day by the age of three had told her mother over an ice-cream that she wanted to  change her name. to what did her mother ask. To jasmine, she said. Ok said her mother, why not. And we all agreed on that  it was the right choice, why not. And for me i draw a parallel to the book about angels that I just read where they say that children do have a tight relationship to the spiritual world. If this identification with a name had to do with that or something else would  be to speculate but what I do believe is that if her mother in this case would have refused her to change name, then she would have take something away from her daughter. And also by respecting her will she did respect her daughter. And to be treated with respect is one of  the key issues when it comes to love. 

Well, from there the livingroom became a eurovision song contest arena. The subject turned to the perfect  concept of the episodes of two and a half men, with the comment " you might call me old but I love it because it is slow " .  And the night, for me and the beginning for the rest, were closed up by talking of anxiety attacks. Oh now I almost forgot. My worries about not pleasing everyone because I would be boring or what ever it is that I think I will, or will not be I had to take back. When saying good bye, one of the girls said "it was nice to seeing you, as always" then we decided to get together for a brunch a bunch of us. I don't think she can imagine how much those words meant to me right in that moment. 

Now it really is time to go to bed, looking forward for my power-walk in the morning. 

good night and sleep well 

don't forget mothers day tomorrow !

Birthday

My brothers´20th birthday. Beautiful weather and heavenly good birthday cakes in the company of family and friends what else could one wish for. 

Funny, when I had written this post, i added the title. It got me thinking of the interesting with birthdays. have you ever thought of why we celebrate it.  now it striked me that it is a celebration of life.  Today I had my family around. To watch my little cousins trying to figure out how the little newborn Almas' hands are compared to theirs and their fascination of that their hand has been that small. His black hand in- between mine and little Almas' that is mystery enough, even for an adventurer. 

I woke up to a symphony by the birds outside my window and the sun shining in on me. Got up made my self a smoothie with my new blender. The old one broke yesterday and that gave me trouble as I couldn’t make my morning shake properly. Now I can again.

Instead of a regular blender I bought a hand blender to even make it all one step easier, less dish, as I now can mix it in the glass at once.

 

I drank my shake while getting dressed. I felt firm. To make a decision almost feels like you are loosing weight. You feel easier. Breath calmer and you believe in the mystery of universe, walked through the wood and pass the allotment to my parents place to bake cinnamon- buns for my brothers birthday mingle at the dock this afternoon.  With my herbalife shake in hand i sat down at the dock in the light breeze. My grandpas wife told me that those drinks really has helped her out a lot. She had a lot of trouble with balance and feeling sick as well as trouble with her eyes. She went back and forth to the hospital but the doctors didn´t find anything.  she started to drink these she told me and now she is all well. She had the same symptoms as I did. and she were as lousy as I when it came to food. Then she told me about her "nub carpet" and how it helped her to engage the circulation in her body. And I tried it. 

It felt a bit sticky at first, i layed for 20 minutes and during that time it came and passed a few times a heat within my back and I could feel how the muscles did relax and by that I did to.  It is now at the top 5 at my which-list. 

 

Home for a quick change and now off to a friend for birthday dinner and party 

let´s get this started

Schedule 

07.30      Wake up beauty

Herbal pills

Pilates /Yoga 20 minutes alternatively Jogging, power- walk or swimming 

Shower

08.30 Shake&vitamins

Get dressed

            Hair&Make-up

09.00 Ready to meet a new day 

09.00-12.30   Working shift 1/ Free time : Coffee 

12.30   Lunch

13.00-16.30 Working shift 2/ Free time  : Fruit/ Liftoff /

 Thermocompleate

17.00 Jogging/swimming/ power-walk/Pilates boll  

(Minimum 2 times a week) 

18.00 Exercises for my back 

( resting days Thursday and Sunday) 

18.30 Dinner

Herbal pills

19.00- 22.00 Working shift 3/ Free time : Tea

22.30-23.30  Meditation

24.00 Good night sweetheart

* Two Shifts a day is minimum.  

*One glass minimum between every meal and snack. 

One way out

My biggest issue for the moment is that I fell out of control, as my life is slipping thorough my fingers. What do I do then; I have a glass of whine. Since when did that solve anything?

 

Before that I made a decision that one way out of the rounder-bound is to stop looking for a job and start working. I have my own business, make it work. Do some jobs sell them and maybe some long-term or project based ones will pop-up. This is the typical pattern. I have a deep conversation that leads to great progress in how to solve the situation I am in. Instead of putting all my energy into o that I decide burry my head in the sand. Having a glass too much. I then erase the positive effect with putting on a negative. A newly found friend said to me over a dinner when sharing life stories that " maybe you just should stay away from drinking, as it don' t bring you any good". i heard him and probably it got stuck on my mind as I have kept the words. He is right. I think that i was holding on to it as we all to to things that are a habit, or that we find a kind of pride in trying to manage, it is as if I give up if I don' t find a way. but what i didn't thought of then were that by giving up i might win. 

I say thank you herbalife for keeping me going these days. Without my shakes I would have been more depressed and more filled with anxiety. I know it because this is not the first time around that I am in this position. But, hopefully the last time in this appearance, as I decides here and now to put an end to this vicious circle. I now know what the trigger point is.

Dexter said in one episode “ how could I loose my earlier control “ and “ where do I find it again” he just like me had to make the code in to his own by believing on what he did and that it was right. And in that I have my answer.  My code. I just have to build it up with and fill in what it contains and not. To put up the rules that is to be obeyed that is what my process has been about since 2004 and when set, everything will be much more smooth as I then know what, where, when and why I do as I do. I will act in a conscious way and that will give control. 

A roundabout

It feels like I am caught in a French roundabout. You know one of those that you for some mysterious reason just end up in; and then you find you self doing laps after lap. It all goes around in circles you try to get out of their but there is always cars that push you back in, that don’t let you trough. And you are not sure of what direction you are heading; you came from one that’s the only thing for sure. You wish for a map but don’t have one for this particular roundabout. It is like someone just placed it there and refuses to take it away. Your head spins and it is almost that you just want to stop the car, walk out and sit in the middle of everything. Just sit there until all cars disappear, but you know that is not likely so you have to decide what road to take. Focus and find your way there, no matter if that is the wrong way or not, but you need to stop doing laps. So why don’t you? Because the body and mind don’ t work together.  You can’t break free.

Managed to get out of bed and meet up with a friend at Humlegården for lunch in the park. Received a phone call that I didn’t get the job at Sandhamn either. Realized that I have to turn this around. That all my bitterness that has come over me is highly due to the feeling of not being in control. So I have to gain that control again. Decided to rent out my apartment during summer, live at Sandhamn and do radio and stay with my good friend in her parents house when I Stockholm. With a decision in my mind and a plan in at least one direction I felt a bit better. Gained some energy by food and sun and stopped by at the radio to record with Matilda.  

Preparations, at Skärgårdsradion, for the Volvo Ocean Race official radio station 

A friend stopped by in the evening for tea and I told her about my plan. We developed it further. I am going to be a journalist for fulltime, make up my own ideas, pull them through and sell them in. In that way I am responsible for my own good.

This demand that I do take control of my self again and that I am firm with my planning and make sure that I are one step ahead of my self all the time and not one behind. Also that I put up deadlines and keep them. Structure my days.

"You are being tested" were the words form a friend after telling him over the phone about my complicated life situation and how it all slip through my fingers, and hoe it fells like I never get anywhere and that no one understands me. And then he says the sentence you don't want to hear, and why am I being tested, what bad have I done or should I be glad that I am being tested. Sorry I can't really se the good in it. Is that what I am to learn. Well as I said before, tested or not, I have to find a way out of this roundabout. Now when giving it a second thought I am not sure of why this roundabout really is. Maybe it actually is a test. and maybe it is not the way I choose that is the important but my state of mind when doing laps and deciding to make a choice of what direction to take.  maybe it is two-folded. 

So Tomorrow I have to work on that schedule. Both food and drinks, wakening hours and when to go to bed as well as planned working hours and exercise.  I had a negative relationship to this before. It felt like I had to do something, but not when turned it all around it feels like I am free. That I am in power of what my days are to bring me. And I look forward to wake up tomorrow and start to create my schedule. 

‰

4:04

Koutsläpp

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TE7HyPeKAsc&feature=channel_page

Saturday night, a friend turned 30 and we all gathered at Judit and Bertil, on the south side. Had some wine and talked about all and nothing as one should a Saturday night. I had a glass of wine too for once. The last three weeks with the beginning of a glass at Sandhamn, I have taken a glass now and then.

Oh, for you who don’t know the background I have since the autumn of 2004 started to quit drinking back and forth. Not because I don’t think that I wouldn’t manage to quit forever but because I don’t want to. Or at least I didn’t want to. Not up until a few hours ago. Sunday morning, I woke up by the phone. The sun was shining in, it was already 10.30. I had arrived back home yesterday night at half past two but then felt said, angry and too frustrated to go to bed. I must have taken at leas one hour before I finally went to sleep. I don’t know if it was a beginning of the insight that I might have realized that drinking and me are no good combination. Or if it was the fact that everyone else went home together with someone, except for me.

Either way I woke up on Sunday morning and typed an sms to a friend asking him if he possibly could put aside an hour or so to help me with my film. Which actually is a job application for a job as a reporter. A friend had seen the add in metro; two months on the road; blog; camera; film and twitter for Svenska Turistföreningen. The application is a video posted on youtube tagged to twitter. So here I was. Newly awake receiving an sms. “If you’ll be at the office in 30 minutes”. Jumped in to the clothes that were on top of the sofa and left my apartment, felt really low but couldn’t really know why. Arrived at his office and the sight of breakfast; yogurt, bread and cheese and coffee really made me smile. There in the middle of breakfast and American dad on the TV I put words on it.
- I had some wine yesterday, it made me feel said, and when sipping my wine; at every sip I noticed quietly for my self that I had another sip; conscious. All the time I check on my self and ask my self how much have I been drinking; how do I feel. Am I ok? and so on.
- The thing with drinking alcohol is to not think, my friend replied
- Yes, I know, I said, but I had too, as I was afraid that I would get caught up in the mood otherwise and find my self having a few to many and fall back in to old habits. I continued by adding that I thought that I could hold it on a social level. To have a glass or two among friends together with a dinner or like this among people that are slow drinkers.
- Not like when we are out, he laughed
- No not when I could get caught up in the mood, because I love the feeling of being drunk together with friends. Allow it to escalate, dance and just let everything go for a night. Having a blast. My problem is that those days when everything stays at that are very few compared to when it doesn’t. And yesterday, even if I just had few glasses I feelt the eager of something, and those times that I just have taken a glass I feel that it. It affects my feelings and I turn the hours around, don’t hold on to my routines, not that they are significant for the moment, but they sure not get better with alcohol in the picture.

The sum is that the conscious drinking equals the relaxing feeling that comes when the alcohol runs in your body. as they equals each others and leave me with its back-side and a constant worry for not handling it I only see one rational decision to take. And to put into the words of my spiritual mentor "if it does not fall in under the umbrella of that it brings me good, then it doesn´t . I should never take something away but instead make sure that every thing I do and thing´k are for my own best, not in an egoistic way but as in being kind to my self".  

With that deeply philosophical breakfast the day were colored by a strange shimmer. I recognize it. I have felt it before; it makes your life spin, you don’t know why but it feels like you are running out of time and at the same time as some thongs appear clear others darkens and becomes really hard to determine.

I cut my movie, realized when watching my self on film that I was glad that I’m familiar with my own voice so that I “only” had to deal with watching my self on the screen, then I had my herbalife- shake with vitamins and went to the studio to record tonight’s show. Today i brought a juice and my containers of tropical flavored formula 1 and protein powder mixed; easy to pour into the bottle; shake it and drink it. Around nine when finally finished in the radio studio I was glad that I had taken that shake because I was hungry then, and would have been terribly hungry if it wasn't for my afternoon shake. Hooked up with some friends and sat down, relieved to just sit there and to have a great pasta, a long day that I really didn’t seam to get a hold of, in the same way as I wished for it to reach its end I wanted it to last forever just to be able to take it all in and figure out how to take this further. but every day has an end and that end is the beginning of a new day with new challenges. The night in- between are for us to sleep on it and maybe un-counsiously plan the next move. 

Happy cow

Oh my, about 2000 people in all ages gathered around the fence, to watch the cows take their first steps for the year in freedom, in a rain that wouldn´t stop. 

How do you get form the very far of no- where? Well the first bus towards Stockholm left at 15.27, the time were around noon,  so me and Matilda decided to hitch- hike. Finally a cuple stopped, they offered to drive us to the bus-station close by where me might find a earlier bus to Norrtälje, we ended up ride with them to Jakobsberg where we took the train to central station.

 

 

 

 

Enjoyed the last hours of the day with a friend, having a late lunch at kvarnen outdoor dining. salt-cured salmon and potatoes in white sauce with dill, typical swedish lunch,  and a Staropramen. 

 

Oh yeh it is summertime  !     

 

on my way to cow Springbreak

I met up with Matilda at 07.40 to catch the bus towards Norrtälje. An hour later we stepped of the bus and on another one. Passed lonely, open fields and houses, horses and some warning signs of elk and bulls, to finally get of in the middle of nowhere with an angry elderly woman shouting at us to step down towards the door… don’t know what she was so stressed about. Out her there are no stress, we walked along the road for about 900 meters and reached our goal for the day. The Väddö dairyFarm. This is where we in about an hour will experience the transformation when a cow is to see daylight and feel the grass for the first time after six months in the barn. 

A sign for the lost one

On our cruise I came about these signs that gave us a laugh 

It is a bit unclear where this toilet is located, points down to the walk-way, or through it.. we did not follow it up ... 

...If you don´t remember your room number you can always try to remember what animal you are 

.... Ted notice the obvious about this sign; saying water and points towards this window... 

... What can one say ... IT IS CRYSTAL CLEAR 

“Life is like racing Grand Prix “

What do we do when we get of track? Yes, right, we get back on track again.  Maybe you need to stop at depot to repair what has been broken and maybe to come up with a new strategy.  Then you push the gas and get back out there keep on with you laps. And you enjoy it!

 

Wise words from my neighbor. I’ll tell you the story that made him say this. But first let me start by saying that It’s Friday! After work and a weekend lying ahead, well at least for some. For me the day just goes on. Usually they are filled with things to do but it is things that I do not have to do. The backside is that I won’t receive any money on my account, and that do form a cloud of uncertainty over the days. Now you might say. Why don’t she just get a job. That’s what I used to say so I understand you. But believe me it’s not the easiest thing to do anymore. There are lots of jobs I can’t do due to by back- issues and if that frustrates anyone I can assure you that I have gone crazy over this lots if times. Because it put me in the position that I’m not able to fully take care of my self.  I have always done that and now I’m more than often dependent on help from others.

 

I haven’t even been good when it comes to herbalife this week, nor done any exercise. I tried on Monday but it did hurt too much in my spine. I have not been able to swim as I have this tape on my back and arm. But I could very well have been out taking long walks everyday, but I didn’t. Yesterday on the whole day cruise when broadcasting. I prepared my self with a morning shake and my vitamins. Had a small breakfast on board, like a snack, and a steak for lunch but then came the afternoon and I was thinking of making my self a shake but I thought too long so that I lost my energy and just grabbed a sandwich like everyone else. It made me lazy. When back home I had a shake to stable the stomach and it felt better but still I should have had that shake in the afternoon when I first felt that eager for something. I think I have to sharpen my sense of when and what I need and make sure that I do what I can to fix it. But it’s hard to get a structure in all this, especially when I am not sure what form of structure I want.

As a wise person once told me:  When lost go back to the beginning and your answer will appear. (Maybe that actually were said by Yoda in Star Wars) well either way it is a wise say.

So, I am back on square 1. My meal- and sleep watch in at the daily and to believe in, and sometimes convince my self that love is everything and everything is love.  Most important I have to remind myself to believe.

 

Well, back to my neighbor; today he stopped by; found me lying in the sofa watching television. Totally off. It is not that I have had to much to do, neither bored nor that I couldn’t do anything productive like meet up with some friends, write an article or edit some radio, or even maybe find a job that I could apply for, because I could. But I did choose to lie down and be feed. I did hide. Why I asked my self, it is not like me to give up, neither to not take control of my life. Or at least it was not. Maybe I as feed before as I am now laying her watching television. But just in another way. I did everything, as I should, it appeared to be controlled but did I actually have control. I doubt it. Maybe now, after my six years of late teenage revolt I am on my way to build my life the way I want it. The hard thing that comes with it is to really find out what do I want?

 

I want to share something I found in a book the other day, and rewind to my late teenage years. From the time when I started to go to clubs (when 16) I have been 23, and I still am. In September I turn 27 and I can assure you that I have longing for that day. I can’t really tell why or how but it just has been that way. Then I read this and it kind of gave me an explanation but at the same time it confused my head even more.

 

“ We are all connected with our angel as a child. Its presence is strong when we are newly born. (…) When she experience here “self” in a Freudian way, she begins a divorce form being one with everything, from the universal consciousness And the birth of an “I” even by some defined as “ the ego”. As time passes and the child starts talk, walk and think she moves towards the worldly. The emancipation processes up until the 21^st and 28^th year, when she in her human form do take the most responsibility for her destiny, even if she now are trying to reconnect or reestablish a connection to the world of angels”.

 

It made me think that maybe this explains my curiosity of the spiritual world and also my escape form everything during these years. But what stills cant leave my mind is that it says up until 21^st and 28^th not in- between but maybe that’s what it means or maybe it just says that it is this period in life that this comes to surface, this is when we have to deal with our selves.

Broadcasting at sea

I have boarded the cruise-ferry Isabella at the Stockholm ferry-terminal 07.30, early morning.  We are a few colleagues from the radio station, me and Jesse Wallin at the picture, Ted Johansson and our tour leader Matilda, taking a day- tour in our beautiful archipelago together with our winners of the competition held the last week, Daniel and Anette. 

When arriving at the breakfast buffet, in my zombie- state of mind, with my eyes strictly focused on coffee I couldn´t help to notice the people around me. Who are they and what brought them all together here today. I had the impulse of go straight up to them and ask how they ended up here just at this time, this day and in this constellation. How did I ?!  That is something that never will stop to amaze me, how people meet; what led them on the same course and brought them together just in this or that time. Have we actually met in a previous life and therefore are drawn to each other? A vise woman once said to me that we are all moving around in circles where once or two of them sometimes, for a limited time or for longer, do overlap each other.  And in those spaces we meet. That’s the reason for how we tend to meet someone who accidentally, or is it, do have some connection to someone else that you know.  Isn´t so that it all has its logic. that every meeting have something to tell us, bring us or make us conscious about. 

Thats about it from the morning philosopher. Back to the cruise-ferry, where all these people gather in lines to pile up bred and yogurt, fruits for me I head for the coffee and grab two croissants on my way as we are leaving Stockholm behind and goes towards the open water.

Oh yeh. It is well known that the boat architecture design are a kind of its own. Neither less this is one of the best I´ve seen. They have tied to create a Italian piazza feeling at teh buffet dining,  but I don’t know if the atmosphere with plastic big pack ham and cheese and the “waiting- or closing- music” (you know that annoying tunes that you have to listen to while waiting inline in phone or when a warehouse is about to close) combined with this, plastic piece of painted tile/brick wall do it... Well, see for your self.

 

 We found our selves alone at the breakfast buffet, I got the mission to sort out where everyone left and what they are up to ? 

... They do karaoke. 

And we couldn´t be any different, Jesse filled in form with his name and the song he were to sing. And what a performance, Jesse alias Elvis delivered 'I  can´t help fallin in love with you´ with grace, charming every lady in the club.  And I can tell you that I got the evil eye when he dedicated it to me, standing on the side recording with Ted. 

After a short visit in Mariehamn we´r now boarding Rosella cruising ship and I can assure you that this is nothing like you can imagine. A day cruise to Mariehamn, Åland, is something special. We just said that this do only happens in live broadcasting. An original, you know one of those that you hear, can’t miss and are just not like everyone else.  A woman, sunburned, in dreads enters the sun deck for a smoke. She is a bit scary at the same time as she seams harmless. Sits down next to a couple and starts a conversation. Meanwhile 2 youngsters are repainting the stairs so we can’t enter the second level on sundeck. A man chaffs in the middle of our recording so we all have to hold back a laugh, and another man loudly says that its time for shrimp- sandwich and beer. this all took place when we still were at harbor. For you not familiar with Swedish tradition I can tell you that this is a culture of its own, but neither less a wide and appreciated by many. I might add that the average age are 65 this Thursday afternoon. what makes me glad though is to watch how they have dressed up for this day and really seams to enjoy. 

At the time of writing a cover- band named Janssons Frestelse, which initially are a dish named after the famous opera singer Pelle Jansson who always had this fish dish as a night snack after performance, now it is three middle aged men in suit at a stage with a purple curtain behind them delivering Peter Lundblad ´ta mig till havet´. A few couples are dancing and me, I’m having a coffee and remembering this song from my childhood. A bit nostalgic at this picturesque bar where tax free carriers with beer and wine piled on top of each other among some candy and make up. When it comes to us we do what we can to fit in smoothly; drinking beer, whine and even some smaller moves can be seen, but most interested I think we are in the status of our cells and computers, to see if we are back on Swedish net so we can be connect again.  Do I have to say that the drinks are colourful with an umbrella and a fruit on a stick.  

Adjustments for month 2

Roger handing me Partybag 2 

with additional Liftoff and Theromcomplete

Micaela, you have during the first month have had a lot of ups and down.  I know that it sometimes seams hard and even impossible to keep up, specially when you are in a situation like yours, with no job for the moment and by that no clear routines we have to create some order. Up till now you have taken the morning shake daily and just by that you have noticed a difference. But you dip in the afternoon and hence we need to keep you focused all day for you in order to expect the results that we do want: both in energy levels and in shaping the figure.

• Straighter with your eating regime – “Skalman” to not get the energy dips during your days.

• Plan your eating the day before always have opportunities with you to be able to take a healthy meal quick on the run as you are stressing around a little to much. How many people don’t recognize them in that situation in this world?

• We will during this month enchange your focus and energy levels between your meal by some small middle meals and by LiftOff by Thermo Complete (In US the name of this tablet is Total Control and that is a better name).

A meal plan for you will mainly look like this

Breakfast:  Herbalife Protein Shake with tablet enhancers

Snack: Fruit, or a Protein bar and Thermo Complete

Lunch: Lunch of the day or Herbalife Protein shake

Snack:Some cottage Cheese with fruits and Thermo Complete

Dinner: Dinner of the day or Herbalife Protein shake (depending on lunch)

When coming to meal sizes we will work in-line with the thinking in the book Body For Life, by Bill Phillips. I will give you the book next time we meet so that you can start to plan not only your meals but also your exercise.  That is a ingredient that we will add this month. You will find that focused training is possible to do even if you are in a period with a tight schedule or one without any notes in your calendar, as long as you plan you days a week ahead.

And finally, some tips from the coach !

• On every meal: try to combine some Carbohydrates, protein, good fat, vitamins and minerals because they need each other to work efficient in your body.

• Directly after exercise you shall take some carbohydrates and protein with some vitamins and minerals to start your recovery. Then around 1-1, 5 hour after your exercise make sure to have a Herbalife Protein shake with focus on a lot of proteins and Herbalifeline (Omega3) RoseOx (potent Antioxidant). This shake will build your body during the night.

Back to back

Today I’ve been taped with kinesiology tape. But the reason for why goes back to ester two years ago, more accurately than so I don´t know but most likely this goes back further than that date. 

But I´ll start to tell you about my day. 

After being treated for almost an hour with cracking my back and neck and dealing with trigger points from the neck, middle of my back down to my bum and out in the arms and the feet, by my newly found physiotherapist. I located him through recommendations from a friend. After trying most of the techniques why not try him out. I couldn’t be worse and the pain really has escalated the last months so i thought I could give it a try. 

I was surprised of how he asked me questions and actually seamed to listen to my answers, demonstration a prototype in plastics different possible diagnoses and what they could be derived from. He were the first one to actually take time to hear me out before hand and also treat me as a likewise not treat me as a child. He then asked me to lie down, after doing some neck and back tests standing up to se the movement of my muscles. A pain that made me sweat incredibly. He then suddenly stopped and asked me sit up. I felt like I lost 10 kilos of weight, I also felt that I could breathe and that I had the power to hold up my own neck.

 

Then he started to bend my arms and ask when it felt this and that, placing the first piece of tape. “What help will it do” I asked but in the same time as my words came out of my mouth I felt a strong relief in my whole arm up to the neck. “I take it back I said” almost at the same time. He kept on crating a tattoo of tape on my neck and upper back. It felt as if I had a strong hand holding up my neck helping my posture to stable the neck.

I went home still surprised of the effect of a piece of tape.

 

So, how did I end up here at the first place you might ask? It’s a long story but I will try to keep it short to you.

Three days before Easter- day, two years ago, I woke up with a terrible pain in my back. I tumbled out of bed, managed to get dressed, even though it felt like I had done a hard hours exercise, got my clothes on and left for a seminar at university. Two days later, the day before Good Friday, my pain grew and when standing at the subway it felt like thousands of needles did hit my back at the same time. It caused such a pain that I apparently screamed out loud, the reason I know that is that I recognized an idiot screaming and thought why don’t she stop, until I realized that the idiot was me. This was the beginning of what was to come, a long-drawn process of doctor visits, chiropractor, massage, advices to go and see a psychologist. Three months of not being able to grab anything, not even a glass; limited in getting dressed, as my arms couldn’t go further than the shoulders; not being able to work and hence live on credit. The diagnoses were many; fever in the muscles in the back, burnt-out, stress -related to the best of them all: there is nothing wrong with you back. 

I started up with exercises given by my chiropractor mixed up with yoga and pilates as well as I could. In the beginning I was to sore to even to anything, I slept about 14 hours a day and I could only wear soft clothes and do maximum one thing per day. I cut down on my hobbies, my social life and of course the kickboxing had to be put out aside so also rough forms of party and late nights. 

I felt helpless for the first time in my life. I couldn’t handle anything on my own. I could find my self sitting on the floor crying because I couldn’t even open my own door to get out of my apartment. When taking a shower I had to do it one thing at the time. If I did the hair one day I could do the body the next and so it kept on. Also not to be able to work or gain any income could make me cry, I have always taken care of my self and paid for the things I wanted and needed, but now I wasn’t able to do so any more and I didn’t get any money from the government either due to various circumstances. 

I managed to find my self a part time job that I could handle with my back and also psychologically. To work four hours demanded a ten-hour sleep and that I went straight home after work. I slowly extended my working hours and since Christmas this year. Two years since my back collapsed, I could almost manage full time. I had put up my own recovery program with exercises and to do´s  such as cut down on social life and other to let my back relax while I wasn’t at work. It has been two years of film and lots of episodes.

The wise ones says´ that to those owners of a great Ego something drastic occurs to awaken them. It will force them to revalue their life, to search or to build something out of it. When, or if, they come out on the other side of it they will see thing from a different angle. A more unselfish approach will grow. It makes reminds me of an old say that my grandma used “ what does not kill you, makes you stronger “.  This phrase is true and therefore it’s hard to hear sometimes, especially when you’re in the middle of your pain or process, but even more needed then to remind you of keeping the faith. 

My first 30- days with Herbalife

1 month has passed. The time has come to measure the results of  my Herbalife pills and powder  !

Generally I feel healthier, my cold I have dragged on since beginning of autumn are as good as gone. I don’t know if it’s because of the arrival of the spring or due to my pills and specially rose ox that contains antioxidants. On the other hand I have also felt a difference in energy level: today the everyday life and its doings like dish, cleaning, laundry or other stuffs that everyone has to do were before a huge project for me and I didn’t do it until I really had to. Now I have more energy and these things aren’t such a problem any more. I also recognize the lovely thing with having a juice-shake in the afternoon when feeling a bit low. 

For this month I have kicked off the day with a shake and my pills. This has crated a hunger for food at lunchtime, something I didn’t feel before. So, I have had a real lunch and when it comes to dinner I have alternated dependent on where I have been at the moment.

When I first stepped up on the scale I was amazed about what it could measure.  When i stepped on, grabbed the handles and just breathed, the scale got deep down under my skin measure me up.  Technology now makes it impossible to hide. 

Specifically I let the numbers speak for themselves

 

My total body fat range were 26%, not a terrible number but still it could be improved. We will shape up my body. Increase muscles and decrease fat.  During this month I have improved,  lowering my total body fat range to 24.2, almost 2 %, which is good says Roger, and continues, it means that we have lost fat and gained muscles which in turn improves the combustion.

My upper-body is where the most visible improvement has taken place. For total I have raised from 26.6 to 26.9 that indicates that my body takes shape.

I promised you a new  bikini picture every month

 so here it is...  

Important now is that we continue to give the body fuel so that it does not fall into a back-lash with dragging on a cold which is very common at this stage when the body cant handle slaggprodukterna due to that it does has not enough nourishment. Therefore I will add some more products to your collection so that your body will have enough fuel to keep on the great process that we have begun, says Roger Nilsson, my Herbalife coach. 

"The grass is not greener on the other side"

I woke- up with the world.

 

The old say that the grass is greener on the other side is one of the huge misconceptions, made and constantly re established, by humanity. It makes you hunt or search for something else, all the time, a belief that takes away the beauty of now, because you are either having guilt for what you didn’t do or for what you did; or by having all your thoughts on tomorrow and what the future will bring if you just do this or that. Instead open your eyes just where you are. Take it in, say out loud that this is the place where I am, and the rest will follow. Sometimes it might help to close your eyes but don’t make it into a rule, you might miss beautiful surroundings like I had the opportunity to be a part of this morning. 

I sat down at the beach and just sat there, paralyzed by its beauty, took my shoes of and felt the sand and the cold water. I know you might think that I´m being a bit scary now, but I can tell you that it was the most natural thing to do. I didn´t find a reason to put the shoes back on so I walked my way back through the forest bare-feet. I haven’t done that for a long time, and it told me how intense that feeling is. We know that we have thousands of trigger points in our feet’s but have you really felt that the earth and you are to become as one, that what ever you step on actually affect your whole body and leaves a feeling inside you. 

Here at Sandhamn, in the outer archipelago, the ground is soft that it almost feels like you’re bouncing, a bit like a bumbi bear, traveling through the forest.

Don’t forget what you have. Cherish it and optimize it; that will bring about the power of Now, and it will manifest it self within you if you let it to. 

So just Do it. Don’t wait for the perfect time; what ever reason your brain is now trying to come up with. You will then spend your whole life waiting.

Ok I know, now you think that I had some mushrooms or similar. For the record, I didn´t.  So, lets go back to reality for a while. Time to do some radio-editing for tonight´s show, I give you my out-door workplace, it is pretty ok to do get some work done under these circumstances : )  

Among 24 000 Islands

I can tell you that it sure was an adventure, and an amazing view

What a beautiful day we had in the sky; me Camilla and Eric. 

We met up at Brommaplan, bus-station west of Stockholm, grabbed a coffee at McDonalds and sat down on the bus that was to take us to the airport. A feeling of adventure and spontaneity run through my body. A feeling that usually are connected with back-packing, you know the feeling of that you are just here in this moment and you don’t really know how you ended up here or what to expect out of it. You just enjoy it.

We stepped of at the end- station, trying to figure the map out that we had printed out form Internet. Hrmmpff the main building were not on and we felt a bit disorientated, but there were an information- desk, there always are. “ Go through the small gate” and then out on the sidewalk towards Solvalla, then you turn left and walk straight out … OK we’ll do. And we started walking, found a small gate that were held open by a broom, went through it turned left and found us standing on the starting-point at the map. By now we had walked around half of Bromma Airport. 

We could just laugh, this map is made for people who arrives with car or taxi not by local communications, like us. Following the map we reached our destination Hangar 4.  I felt like I were on to something that I haven´t felt for a long time. A feeling of adventure and freedom and maybe even love. 

 

At 11.00 we went out to the plane, stepped into life-vests and got a security lesson. Then we took off. 

Why do we only feel that curiosity and childish expectations for what to come, when abroad, the feeling of  total presence in whatever it brings about. A calmness in mind and body for in that everything is to be as it is and nothing more or less. That it is so. Why do we leave this feeling when we arrive at Arlanda? ! Maybe you didn’t and good for you, keep it, and if you like me did. Find a way to re-capture it and make every day in you life into an adventure.